Yikes! CBT was a huge trigger for me again today. At the beginning, we did a meditation. I was doing OK with it and then self harm thoughts started to creep in. After meditation, I just felt more and more triggered. We weren’t even talking about anything triggering. I’m thinking that part of it was anticipation of feelings, since last week I got triggered. Finally I said something about it. The instructor, S, asked me if I was sad. I felt a little sad but once she asked, it was like any energy I had left, to keep myself together, left. It just drained out, I could feel it. S kept prodding and my mother stuff came up again. The things she called and said to me. No parent should ever talk to their child like that. It really fucks them up!
Now at age 31, I am learning how to grieve for what I didn’t receive as a child. I am having to grieve that I grew up to fast and had to be the adult. I have to grieve the fact that, I had to take care of my mother’s feelings, more then she even thought about mine. I am learning that it is OK to grieve these things, and is actually better for me, if I do. I’m not sure how to grieve it though. How to just let it out. I’m so afraid of opening that dam up. What if after I do, I can’t gain control of it. I am SO afraid of loosing control. On one hand I’m afraid of it, and on the other, I want it! But so far I’ve been able to hold it together. I wish I could get angry and break things and let go, but something keeps me from doing it. One of the other group members left early today, because she had lost control. I was actually envious of her because I can’t do that, not in front of people anyway. And sometimes I don’t even let myself when I’m alone. I just so afraid of it!
So now it’s time for another post, to my mother. Coming up next!
I’m not even sure where to start on how I feel right now. I’m feeling discouraged about my job, and discouraged about myself. When I got my job in September, I really felt like God was leading me in that direction. I still don’t doubt that He put me in that job, but I’m wondering why. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not getting many hours. And I’m really irritated with most of the people there. The employees, that is; I love the residents. If I’m not going to be even making part time hours, then I need to find another job. I don’t know where that would be. I don’t know that I want to move on to another assisted living facility. I feel like I am back to square one, and stuck. I don’t know how to move on, again. I feel like I am always going to be in this stuck place. Because of my own limitations, I don’t know how to move on. I feel like only a couple people really understand how I am feeling. How I have no energy. And how the stress of the job, for me, isn’t the normal stress that someone without mental illness goes through. It goes beyond the next level and into the anxiety level of stress. The part where you really just want to scream, and curl up into a ball and cry. When I say my job stresses me out or the idea of working full time hours, stresses me out; people just don’t get it. They think I am being lazy or over exaggerating. They don’t know what that kind of stress is like. And I have had SO many people tell me, when I’m talking to them about my hours being cut at work, “well that’s not going to help you get out of your aunts.” Gee, really? You could have fooled me. I don’t need people to state the obvious. I’m not asking for you to tell me what I already know, I just want you to listen. It’s like telling me, smoking is bad for me, and will kill me. You think I don’t know that? And now that I’ve quit, AGAIN, I am feeling antsy and I really want a cigarette. I noticed the cravings are a lot worse at night. And I’ve been really missing my pup, Wyatt lately. I feel guilty that I can’t be with him. I feel guilty that he and I are both having to depend on other people. He needs to be back with me. I haven’t even been able to go see him, since i got this job. Either I don’t have the time or I don’t have the money.
Tired of being stuck,
I just don’t know how I do it. I’m so tired! I don’t like feeling tired all the time. I want to be able to know what it’s like to feel renewed and rested. I’m tired of the depression hanging over me, even on good days, it’s still there. I just want to be happy and free from the chains of the clouds surrounding me.
That is all!
I talked to my best friend M, on the phone tonight. I was talking to her about how I was feeling about all the different things that are going on. She suggested writing them down into a list, to see if then I could feel a little better about them. She thought that maybe this could help me to organize the stressors and then the thoughts that come with them. So I decided I would try it.
1) Working with people, that I feel like I need to be upbeat around, then feeling
completely exhausted when I get home.
2) My living situation and feeling like my thoughts and feelings don’t matter.
3) My addictions.
4) Going to see Wyatt. Feeling like I want to see him but then when I do have a
weekend available, feeling to overwhelmed by then not having time to myself.
5) The hours I do cleaning etc, for my room and board.
6) Feeling the stress of having to live a ‘normal’ life, like everyone else but not
having the energy or motivation. Then wondering if that is even possible, but not
knowing how to figure out otherwise.
8) Not feeling adequate enough in my spiritual life.
So these are the main ones. If I remember more later, I may add them.
So I wanted to type this post but then thought, “no, I really need to go to bed.” I went and took a shower, but kept thinking about it, so am posting so that I can go to sleep.
I have addictive behavior. When I am actively cutting, it becomes an addiction. Then I gave up cutting and took up smoking, because it’s more acceptable. Then I quit smoking and went into overeating and gained weight again. Now for Lent, I gave up fast food, and have been smoking again. I have kept it to one a day, so that I can hide it from my aunt and uncle, but I feel the addiction looming overhead. I’m tired of being tied to these addictions. It’s tiring and stressful.
Tonight my prayer is, for God to take away this addictive behavior. Not just the cutting or smoking or overeating, or anything else I may pick up; but the behavior. To cut those chains from me so that I can be free from the addictions. ALL of the addictions. I want to be healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally and I feel like this is a start in that direction. God has to do it though, because I can’t. He’s got to break it from me.
That is all!
One of the articles I was reading in my Psychologies magazine talks about needing 8 hours of sleep a night. It points out how much of an effect sleep can have on depression and negative thoughts. I’ve heard this a lot growing up, and believe I need 8 hours of sleep. Even though I believe I need 8 hours of sleep, I usually only get 5 1/2-6 1/2, depending on the night. On mornings that I work I get up at 4 am, which would mean I need to get to bed by 8 pm. There are days now this month though where I will be doing 6 am-10 am and then going back for a 4 pm to 8 pm shift. So the earliest i could be in bed there, is probably 9 pm and that would be pushing it. As it is now when I’m not working the evening shift, I don’t usually get to bed until 10 pm. When I first started working, I was trying to get to bed by 8 pm, and then 9 pm; it seems to be getting later and later. So now I try to figure out how to get closer to 8 hours of sleep. Maybe I need to add just a half hour at a time for awhile. So start with getting to bed at 930 pm for a couple weeks or a month, then add another half hour, until I get to 8 hours of sleep. I wish it was easier for me to go to bed, but sometimes I just procrastinate. And then I need to stick to going to bed and getting up at the same times, even on my days off, and that’s REALLY hard.
Any thoughts or ideas, feel free to share!
Wish me luck!
So after being emotional after my work meeting yesterday, I texted my Pastor and asked if she had a minute to talk and pray with me. She called and we talked for a little bit, and then she prayed with me. Then I was still somewhat emotional and got some crying out of the way; before and after our talk. Then I felt SO extremely tired that I couldn’t wait for bed. You know that ‘after a good cry’ tired?
Yeah and now I’m WIDE awake. It’s only 1130 pm here, so in my time zone this all still happened today. Word Press seems to be on another time zone so said yesterday.
So then I was playing my Wizard 101 game most of the evening and got bored with that, so was looking at the books on my kindle. There is one about personalities and learning other people, so I started reading it. The author suggested taking this personality test online that is free. My Neurotics Facet is 99%. No wonder I’m so messed up and can’t handle stress at all.
Yes I’m FINE. Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, and emotional.
Thankfully I don’t have to work until 2 pm tomorrow for an 8 hr shift. I can sleep in a bit. Though I do have to get up and do at least 2 1/2 hours of cleaning tomorrow, so I don’t have to do some much on Friday and Saturday.
LET ME SLEEP!