Unsure…

So this evening, N, a friend from work and I had a lot of interesting conversations on multiple levels. I’m really not sure where to start. They have my brain going in a thousand different directions. I feel I need to write about them before bed or I won’t sleep. One major conversation was about why I don’t think I’m a good person. Other then the beliefs engrained in me as a child, I really, honestly don’t know why I hate myself so much. I am thirty now and I really hope it doesn’t take another thirty years to like myself. I’m so tired of trying to change my beliefs about myself. I really want to see what others see in me. I really would like to be happy with myself and my life. Things like a cluttered house, my job or even the mistakes I have made in life, don’t define me or who I am. I know that in my mind, but why can’t I know that in my heart? Why can’t I figure it out already? I wish God would give me a big eye opener that can start to change my mind. I need to move on from the things my mother told me. I will say there was a difference in my response tonight then what I’ve had in the past. In the past, I would deny being a good person or try to convince the other person of my way. I did that a little tonight but it really stopped me in my tracks. I had to admit, that if I really think about it, I really don’t know why I hate myself so much. Aside from the mother stuff, that is. I think maybe I need to learn to separate that from now. I’m not sure how to straighten that out in my head right now, but its something to think about.

So that was the major conversation but another interaction between N and I, really bothered me more then that conversation. I say interaction because I don’t even remember what the conversation was about. Just what happened during it. For some reason this interaction is really bothering me. I am not able to pinpoint why. This is what happened…

So N and I were going on about something. I don’t remember. We were standing near each other and she reached up to fix her hair or I don’t know what, and I flinched. Her response was, “I’m not gonna hit you.” I’m not sure what bothers me so much about this. One part is the fact that I flinched in the first place. I felt kind of stupid and childish that I would flinch. I know it goes back to the physical abuse I received as a child but I want to be over that by now. Maybe it was the gentle way she said she wasn’t going to hit me. I hate that my subconscious made me flinch because obviously she would never hit me. Maybe it partly bothered me that she noticed I flinched. Its embarrassing that there is still a little child in me, who is fearful. I hate that people can see it in me so easily. I want to be tough and able to hide my feelings. Then on the other hand, I want someone to notice and protect me. I still want that motherly figure to be affectionate. And while I want the affection, I’m terrified of it. When someone does touch me on the shoulder or hug me, I tense up but then hate when they pull away. I hate that my mind contradicts itself so much. Part of my mind tells me I’m to old to get that affection to the point of making things better. Like it would never make up for the fact that I missed out on it as a child. I feel like I could get all the love in the world now but it still wouldn’t make a difference because I didn’t have it as a child. I really feel like I got cheated out of this love and affection. Sometimes I really blame God for it. He could have given me a mother who loved me. Why didn’t He? Why was I not important enough to have a loving mother? People say I wouldn’t be the person I am today. OK but why couldn’t I still be compassionate, loving and accepting of others and still have a loving mom. Why did I have to get the exact opposite of who I am? So my mother taught me who I DON’T want to be, but other people have loving moms and it shows them how to be that way. ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!
Devin

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God Takes Care of Me…

So even though I was having some rough patches last week, some really good things happened. So on like Monday or Tuesday, I was offered a permanent position at my job. It was a full time position and would have Tuesday, Wednesday off. I was really wanting Sundays off, so I could go to church. I really wanted a full time position because then I could get benefits, but church is my only social life right now and I really didn’t want to give it up. I went back and forth about it all day. My boss wanted an answer at the end of my shift. So after mulling it over in my head, I decided to pass by this full time shift and stay oncall for awhile.

Then on Thursday, I was offered a second position. In this position, I would have Sunday, Monday off. I had no idea this job position would be coming available. I just knew I wanted Sundays off. The shift wasn’t the issue, I just needed to be able to go to church. I was so thankful that I had put my faith in God, knowing that He would provide the shift I needed. I had no clue it would be so soon. I was thankful I hadn’t impulsively grabbed the first shift I was offered. Sometimes it really pays to wait.

Love & Peace
Devin

Rough Day…

Today was kind of a rough day. My back has been bothering me the last few days so I just kind of started off in a pissy mood. I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with people today, but since that’s the majority part of my job, I didn’t have much of a choice. I made it through the day and then the worst part was on my way out the door at work.

So there are a few people, that when we aren’t busy at work I will go talk too. One woman is up a few floors and I had gone to say hi earlier but both times she was kind of busy, so I didn’t stay long. Then I had to go up to her floor to complete a couple of tasks at the end of the day so said hi. Then I was walking out at the end of the day and we happened to meet up in the hall leading out of the building. I said hi to her and she kind of half turned, said hi and kept going. I just felt kind of slighted, because if felt like she didn’t want to talk to me. I’m sure she was just in a hurry to get home and just wanted to get out of there. That is probably reality. The problem is that my beliefs and self-doubts tell me that people don’t really care about me or want to talk to me. My mind tells me that I’m a bother when I go to talk to people. People tell me they are interested and like talking to me but I don’t believe them. I don’t believe anyone could think I’m interesting. And its worse when I’ve had a hard week and bad day. It makes my self doubts a lot more apparent and on the surface.

There is this other girl at work who works in my department. She is a few years older then me but sometimes acts like a 10 year old. For example she will come up to me and if I’m in a conversation with someone, she will just start poking me, or click her pen in my ear, or things like that. I try to ignore these and she eventually stops. Another thing she has done in the past, is when I’m eating lunch or something, she’ll just take some of my candy or cookies, without asking. One time I finally said, “have you ever heard of asking?” Then the last time she did it, She did ask. When people get in my space or think that I’m a nice person so won’t care, it really gets on my nerves. If you want something, just ask. I’ll more then likely give it to you. Anyways I find this girl very annoying a lot of the time, she doesn’t understand boundaries. So my mind is always thinking that other people think of me this way. Even though I don’t overstep these boundaries, I’m afraid people find me annoying. They always tell me they don’t but I don’t believe them. I don’t know how to believe that anyone actually likes spending time with me.

I have asked God to help me love and accept myself recently, but I haven’t seen any changes yet. I know its a process and I have to do some hard work to get there. I’m just tired of doubting myself and hating myself so much. When someone tells me I’m a good person and they like being around me, I want to be able to believe it and feel good about it.

That is all for today…

Love & Peace

Devin

Emotionally Drained…but Good!

Holy Wow! What a day! I am so emotionally drained, I wish it was bedtime now! Last night I had so much going on in my head that I stayed up until almost 1am. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 1225am. I went to bed somewhere shortly after but I’m not even sure the exact time. I was in such a bad place, I figured I would get up this morning, take Wyatt out and go back to bed. I really just wanted to sleep most of the day. I had church in the evening and was planning on going to my friend’s house a little before hand. I was going to sleep until I had to get up and get ready for that.

Boy did God have another plan! Wyatt got me up at 830am. “Fine, we’ll go for a walk and come home and go back to bed.” That was my thought and what I told Wyatt. I get up, get dressed, get Wyatt ready and we head out.

Now here is a little backstep. So the Pastor at my church, S is married to Pastor D at another church about 45 mins away on a good day of traffic. My church is in the evening which helps so that D can join S at this church too. So sometimes I go out to D’s church if I want a little bit of a different service or if I happen to be working in the evening and can’t go to my church.

So I’m not even sure how far on the walk I got this morning, before a little voice in my head told me I should go out to church. Now remember I got up at 830am. Church is about 45 mins away and starts at 1030am. Wyatt needs his morning walk and its sunny out so we go our usual morning route through the park, which is about 20-30 mins, depending on how many times he stops to sniff or mark, or whatever. We get back to the house roughly 915am. I really quick eat a Greek yogurt because its quick and has 2x the protein. I am one of those people who HAS to have breakfast in the morning. I get headaches and shaky if I don’t. So I was hoping the yogurt would do. I scarfed that down and got my coffee going. I ran to the bathroom and jumped in the shower, for a quick wash. I get out, get ready, grab my coffee and go. As I walk to my car, I kick myself for not getting gas last night. I probably could have made it but I didn’t want to push it. I don’t recall the time of leaving the house but it was 0957 when I pulled out of the gas station.

So I didn’t mention above, but shortly after I had the thought to go to church, I texted S to tell her I would be coming to church this morning. Now I’m not sure if I’m going to be on time and I’m really wishing I hadn’t texted S. I am thinking, I should have just stayed home in bed. I am feeling very rushed at this point and its my day off. I should be relaxing. I’m thinking how do I know I’m supposed to go to church when now I just want to stay home. Why didn’t I just follow my original plan? But I told S I was coming, and so I feel I better go.

I was so worried I was going to be late. When I walk into a group of people late, I feel extreme anxiety. I don’t like people to notice me that obvious and I always try very hard to avoid it. Thankfully, Traffic was great! I may have gone a little faster on the freeway than the posted speed limit, but I had to get to church. I arrived about 5 mins before the service started. The only way I can explain that, is by God’s power. It takes me 25 min to get work on a good day, and this is way past my work. 

So we go in and the service starts. Pastor D preaches a sermon today that I was SO meant to hear. D compared Joshua and Jesus from the Bible. He talked about how Joshua was in the wilderness for 40 years and Jesus for 40 days and nights. He then compared this to our lives when we are in a spiritual and emotional wilderness. I’m not even going to try to explain it because it wouldn’t compare to how he spoke it. I cried through the whole sermon. The way he spoke it, spoke to how I was feeling last night.  I feel like I am in a spiritual wilderness right now. I have to look for the good things that come my way because they may be hard to see but they are there if I take the time to notice them. Some day I will get out of this wilderness to the promised land. God will show me where to go when I need to and when I need to stop. I just need to listen to Him and He will lead me. I will get out of this. I just need to give it time. And not my time but GOD’s time.

So after church I was talking to D & S, and telling them what had been going on this past week. I told them about the memories. D suggested that maybe I was being allowed to see these memories now because I have supportive people in my life. Before I didn’t have very many supportive people. And those that I though were, weren’t always. It has been truly amazing! When I really look at what God has done for me, I still can’t believe it. Both of these churches are so full of love and acceptance, and its astonishing. I don’t believe I deserve all this love they give me, but for some reason they do. And they show it to me on a regular basis. I could never describe into words what these people mean to me; and what God is showing me through these people.

Now to get some sleep and I should be good!

Love & Peace

Devin

 

Memories, Not So Good

I have been having a hard time lately. I don’t sleep well at night. I’m emotional during the day, probably because I’m not sleeping. I’m not sure all of why I’m not sleeping. I toss and turn and wake up, or can’t get to sleep to begin with. During the day I am having a lot of memories lately about my mom and the abuse from when I was a child. I don’t know why this is coming up now but it is. I wish I could go to bed and sleep forever because then I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. I dream about it at night, so this wouldn’t be able to just be a nights sleep but a forever sleep. Yes I wish this but its not something I can go through with. I have to keep going but I don’t know how to make the swirling thoughts stop.

I don’t know why she hated me so much. I was just a child and didn’t deserve to be treated that way. My brothers were not treated this badly. I was the oldest and only girl. Someone suggested once that maybe she had wanted me to be a boy. They did have a boys name picked out for me. It would make sense on one aspect because of what I have been told about how she was raised, but that still doesn’t merit what she did to me. Tonight I saw a mother and daughter at work. The daughter was in distress and the mother was comforting her. That is what a mother is supposed to do. I didn’t get that. I get so mad that God didn’t give me that. People say that God allows bad things to happen to good people. They also say that these bad things that have happened to me will make me a better person. I try to keep in mind that the things I have been through can some day help someone else. But how can any of that be true. If what has happened to me makes me so depressed all the time, to the point of such self-hatred, how in the world can I help anybody? I can’t even help myself! I know. Depend on God right? He will help me. I really don’t even know if I believe that right now. I ask Him to help me sleep. I ask Him to show me how to love myself, forgive myself, and have patience with myself. Then I saw the mother and daughter today, after asking Him for that this morning. It just points out what I didn’t get as a child that every child should have. I am 30 now. Yes I am still young and (should) have a long life ahead of me; however I feel old. I feel like things should at least be starting to come together, and they are not. I’m tired of trying, to no avail. I’m tired.

Tired Soul,

Devin

 

Creating New Habits…

Over the last few months, I have been slowly adding new habits to my day. I started by making my bed every day. There are some times where I miss but I mostly follow thru. Then I also started working on a budget. Still working on the full follow thru on that one but its coming. My main problem here is wrapping my brain around the mathematical part. Math was never my strong point so I have a hard time with that. I’ve also started trying to rinse my dishes off and put them in the dishwasher after each use. Then actually emptying the dishwasher when dishes are done. This also is happening more times then not. Now today I have added trying to drink more water to my daily routine. Its hard when we are busy at work because there isn’t always time to stop and drink water, and my job doesn’t allow me to carry it with me; because of what I do. I brought a water bottle in and have it in the break room. A friend guessed its about 16 ounces. I filled it and drank it twice today. Now I’m going to try and keep that one. I figure if I just add good habits here and there it will be easier then changing my whole life at once. Maybe by adding small habits here and there, I can finally get my life straightened out a little bit more.

Love & Peace

Devin

Big Step For Me…

Today was a big day for me. I was supposed to meet up with a friend this evening to go see a movie. She canceled on me though, and I was looking forward to going to see a movie, so kind of thought I could just go on my own. I wasn’t sure though as I’ve never gone to the movies alone. I have a hard time doing things alone and being OK with it. Eating at fast food is one thing but going to fancy restaurants, movie theaters, and the like; just felt weird and awkward. I met with my friend and pastor though and she suggested going to see the movie Frozen. So I did, ALONE. And nothing bad happened. It was really cool!

Frozen was a good moving about liking yourself. I definitely recommend it. Still processing the whole concept though so don’t know what else to write about it. I will write this quote from the movie; “Love melts a frozen heart.” Go see it!

Here’s a video I found on Youtube a long time ago. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs Its OK to do things alone. I am still learning this but I think today was a good start. And maybe it was good that my friend canceled. Had I not had plans to go to the movies I probably wouldn’t have even thought of doing that today. The thought of doing it alone probably wouldn’t have crossed my mind in a serious way. I’ve thought about it in the past but was to afraid to take it seriously.

Love & Peace

Devin