So the last couple of weeks have been really hard emotionally. I’m not really even sure where to start. There is too much that happened to go into details of everything that did happen. So I will just go into a little bit. I haven’t been sleeping well, especially this last week. I’ve just been up and down and all over the place. I feel like I’ve pushed the friend, Dani away, that I spoke about in an earlier post. I wasn’t mean to her or anything, just distanced myself because the feelings I had, were hard to deal with. Now it just seems like its different between us. We still talk some but I feel like there is a wall. I feel like I have also pushed another friend away because we didn’t agree on an issue. I don’t feel like I was understood in the situation and I don’t know what they are feeling. I want to talk about it but am torn between talking about it and just letting it go. Then this last week I was hungry when I got off work one night at 930pm, so went to Taco Bell but then went to bed shortly after eating it. I woke up with major heartburn. Finally got rid of that after being up for over an hour with it, but then woke up in the morning nauseous. I was nauseous all day, though I didn’t throw up. Last night I couldn’t get to sleep until after 230am, even though I went to bed at 11am. Today I am just tired.
So all of this stress and lack of sleep has really caused me to struggle with some feelings from past addictions. I started cutting when I was in high school. I’ve done it off and on for the past 15 years. I’ve been hospitalized three times for cutting and depression. I still do it on occasion. I’ve never done it for suicide but to get the pain from the inside to the outside. It also helps me feel like I have some type of control over something. In the past, people have kind of freaked out about the cutting. Now I have a few people who are more understanding about it. I can talk to them about it and don’t feel like they are going to rush me into the hospital. Its nice to be able to talk about it, because that helps me get it out of my head. With these few people, I can be honest with how I really feel. Its not like when you go to a psychologist, and you have to be afraid that how you feel is going to get you sent to a mental hospital.
My other past addiction is smoking. I started smoking in my early 20’s. Then when I was with my ex, we quit together. Then after we broke up, I started smoking again. This time I became really addicted fast. It also affected my breathing and caused me to cough. So after a year and half or so, I quit. I’ve been smoke free for three months.
So this brings me to how I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. I go back and forth between wanting to cut and wanting to smoke. The cravings have been mostly consistent. Though its either one or the other, I’m always craving something. Tonight got really bad and after church this evening, I went and got a couple small cigars. I didn’t want to buy a pack of cigarettes because I knew that would start the habit over again. I am hoping that by just taking the edge away a little bit, I will feel a little better. So far I do. I still want to cut a little bit but not to the point that I did.
I just feel like everything is my fault. I wish I could level out a bit and not be so all over the place. I used to be on medications but decided I would rather deal with the emotional roller coaster, then to be out of it all the time. I feel like the medications took away my creativity, added bad side effects, and then didn’t even help the depression. I don’t think everyone should take this route because some people do need the medications to keep them stable, but its the route that is best for me. A coworker of mine suggested trying Calms Forte which is a natural remedy to help with anxiety and to help with sleep. I bought some tonight and am going to try it out and see if it might help me some.
Time to take the pup for one last walk and then attempt going to bed.
Love & Peace