I feel…

I feel like I am misunderstood. I really just want to crawl up in a hole and hide. I want to isolate. I’m tired of always feeling like everything is my fault.

Now I  must go to work and be all happy and cheery for everyone! Yay! Not.

Love & Peace

Devin

Cutting or Smoking…

So the last couple of weeks have been really hard emotionally. I’m not really even sure where to start. There is too much that happened to go into details of everything that did happen. So I will just go into a little bit. I haven’t been sleeping well, especially this last week. I’ve just been up and down and all over the place. I feel like I’ve pushed the friend, Dani away, that I spoke about in an earlier post. I wasn’t mean to her or anything, just distanced myself because the feelings I had, were hard to deal with. Now it just seems like its different between us. We still talk some but I feel like there is a wall. I feel like I have also pushed another friend away because we didn’t agree on an issue. I don’t feel like I was understood in the situation and I don’t know what they are feeling. I want to talk about it but am torn between talking about it and just letting it go. Then this last week I was hungry when I got off work one night at 930pm, so went to Taco Bell but then went to bed shortly after eating it. I woke up with major heartburn. Finally got rid of that after being up for over an hour with it, but then woke up in the morning nauseous. I was nauseous all day, though I didn’t throw up. Last night I couldn’t get to sleep until after 230am, even though I went to bed at 11am. Today I am just tired.

So all of this stress and lack of sleep has really caused me to struggle with some feelings from past addictions. I started cutting when I was in high school. I’ve done it off and on for the past 15 years. I’ve been hospitalized three times for cutting and depression. I still do it on occasion. I’ve never done it for suicide but to get the pain from the inside to the outside. It also helps me feel like I have some type of control over something. In the past, people have kind of freaked out about the cutting. Now I have a few people who are more understanding about it. I can talk to them about it and don’t feel like they are going to rush me into the hospital. Its nice to be able to talk about it, because that helps me get it out of my head. With these few people, I can be honest with how I really feel. Its not like when you go to a psychologist, and you have to be afraid that how you feel is going to get you sent to a mental hospital.

My other past addiction is smoking. I started smoking in my early 20’s. Then when I was with my ex, we quit together. Then after we broke up, I started smoking again. This time I became really addicted fast. It also affected my breathing and caused me to cough. So after a year and half or so, I quit. I’ve been smoke free for three months.

So this brings me to how I’ve been feeling the last couple of weeks. I go back and forth between wanting to cut and wanting to smoke. The cravings have been mostly consistent. Though its either one or the other, I’m always craving something. Tonight got really bad and after church this evening, I went and got a couple small cigars. I didn’t want to buy a pack of cigarettes because I knew that would start the habit over again. I am hoping that by just taking the edge away a little bit, I will feel a little better. So far I do. I still want to cut a little bit but not to the point that I did.

I just feel like everything is my fault. I wish I could level out a bit and not be so all over the place. I used to be on medications but decided I would rather deal with the emotional roller coaster, then to be out of it all the time. I feel like the medications took away my creativity, added bad side effects, and then didn’t even help the depression. I don’t think everyone should take this route because some people do need the medications to keep them stable, but its the route that is best for me. A coworker of mine suggested trying Calms Forte which is a natural remedy to help with anxiety and to help with sleep. I bought some tonight and am going to try it out and see if it might help me some.

Time to take the pup for one last walk and then attempt going to bed.

Love & Peace

Devin

 

A Fraction of What They See…

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my fears and insecurities. There are a lot of them. I am trying hard to figure out how to overcome them. I do make friends easily, but am always afraid they will get sick of me or abandon me. I am afraid that if they truly knew what I was feeling or thinking, they wouldn’t like me anymore. People tell me all the time that I am a talented, amazing person but I don’t see it. I know I’m creative but always feel everyone else is better then me. I’m tired of comparing myself to others but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to be ok with who I am. I don’t know how to stop putting my value in what others think. Though a lot of my recent friends say that I’m a special person, I don’t see it. I wish I could just see a fraction of what others saw in me. I wish I could have the confidence that I show on the outside (at times). I don’t want to see this in a prideful way but a humble way. Just enough so I can believe in myself.

Love & Peace

Devin 

Unsure…

So I’m indecisive today… My phone is not charging correctly and I need to get a new one soon before this one hits the dust. I’m trying to work on a budget and putting a new phone into the budget. I’ve been working with a friend on a budget, so was talking to her today. The phones that I could get with the company I’m with (that I would want) is a smartphone for a $100 or a flip phone for $35. I really don’t want to go backwards to a flip phone, but I’m afraid that with a smartphone, I would be tempted to use the internet. I don’t want to be one of those people who are always on a device. I want to remember to look at the world around me. They don’t have another version of the phone I have, so its only these two options. When I have to make decisions like this, it really stresses me out and I go back and forth on it a lot.

I was also a little frustrated because when I was talking to my friend, she said that I would need to work some overtime at my job in order to afford a new phone. What she and most people don’t understand, and I didn’t think to tell her this, is that working 40 hours a week is already exhausting to me. I don’t know that I could handle overtime. I really need my two days off a week in order to survive my sanity. I am irritated with the fact that it seems to be my two choices are; 1) have time to yourself and no money, or 2) have money and no time to yourself. It doesn’t seem fair. I know it wouldn’t have to be a long term thing but I don’t want to burn myself out, which is what would end up happening.

I have only been at this job for 4 months. My last job I had was on-call 24/7. I didn’t get any days off unless I specifically requested it. There were a lot of times where I didn’t get the hours that I needed but still felt like I couldn’t do anything because I was attached to a pager and had to be within an hour of the office. This job was a high stress level job with a very negative atmosphere. Even though I didn’t always work EVERY day or only worked a few hours here and there; I got burned out from it. I worked there for two years. Now with my new job, I am really trying to learn how to take care of myself. My other thing is that if I start giving in and working over time, they will expect that from me. They need to know that I am not available all the time, and at this point, I don’t think I’m willing to give in to that. Yes, I can be very stubborn. I also have a dog, who I already feel has been neglected lately because even on my days off, I’ve been busy. He needs to see me some of the time. I am trying to figure out how to stay home more on my days off as it is, and not be running around all the time. Its a work in process right now.

I’ve had other people tell me too how they’ve worked long hours overtime in their life and suggest that I should do it. I’m not like them and can’t handle that. I know that sounds like I am lazy but it probably has more to do with my low energy level (which I’ve always had) and the depression I deal with on a daily basis. I am not one of those people who can or want to run myself ragged. I need time to myself.

I am tired of letting these type of decisions stress me out so much. Its so hard to just decide and then let it go.

Love & Peace

Devin

 

End to a Perfect Night

The last patient I transported tonight is why I like my job. It was an older gentleman. His wife was with him. She was a little on edge because he was in the hospital. I took them up to his room and got him over to the bed. He wanted some warm blankets so I went and got him three. I got him all tucked in. His wife had bought him a sandwich and fed him, so he wouldn’t have to be uncovered while he ate. She was staying the night; so I went and brought her a warm blanket too. The best part of the whole interaction with this patient and his wife was that at the end, their daughter arrived. When she walked into the room, she walked up to her mother, looked into her eyes with this great amount of love, and gave her a hug. Because of the operation, she was unable to give her father a hug, but she also looked into his eyes with a large amount of love. I’ve seen loving families at the hospital a lot but I’ve never seen this much love in a daughter’s eyes for her parents. It just radiated off her and was amazing!

Its a good reminder to me, that there are families who still have this strong love for each other. In times of need they will be there to support each other. It gives me faith in humanity.

Love & Peace

Devin

Worst Possible Dream…

So this morning I had the worst possible dream ever. I dreamt, I had gone to visit the people working at the doggy daycare, I used to work at. I took Wyatt along with me. This is weird for starters, because he is not the friendliest dog. He is a chihuahua mix and definitely has their personality type. For some reason in my dream though he was fine. Which is also weird. So I went around and said hi to all the people I still knew there. During this time, Wyatt wasn’t with me. After visiting for a couple of hours, it was time to head out, so I went looking for Wyatt. I couldn’t find him anywhere. We were all looking but couldn’t find him. Then the one Dog Attendant N., was on the phone. When she got off the phone, she said that the vet thought a big Saint Bernard, Chancellor had eaten him. The leash was with the dog and they were going to take him in for an XRAY to find out. I of course started crying, and then woke up. I didn’t hear what the verdict was. When I woke up, I had a very heavy heart. I talked Wyatt into coming under the blankets for some cuddles before we got up, which helped a lot.

I’ve heard that your subconscious can come out in dreams. I do know that I have a fear of something happening to Wyatt. I don’t know what I would do without him. We are each others world, though I do have a world outside of the house and he doesn’t. I live to come back home to see him. He is also what keeps me sane. He keeps me on track, as I know I have to keep a job to keep a roof over our heads, and so forth. Not saying that I would plan on leaving my job now, but when I worked my old crappy job, I had to stick with it until I found another. I couldn’t just quit, like I’ve done at past jobs.

Now I’m feeling a little better, and it’s time to go and get ready for work.

Love & Peace

Devin

I Fell in Love…

So I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this on here and then decided, it would be OK since most of you don’t really know who I am anyway. The people who do know me who will read this probably already know the situation as I’ve talked to those couple of people already about it. So what the hell…

So I fell in love, and I hate myself for it. This is where I tell you that I’m bisexual. The woman I ended up falling in love with is straight. I’ll call her Dani. She is a beautiful woman who is very pleasant and amazing to be around. When I first met her, we became fast friends. We had a lot in common and had a lot of fun together. I never told her I liked her because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. We hung out more and more and as we got to know each other, I fell for her. I fell hard for her. I still couldn’t tell her how I really felt. She is an amazing friend and I didn’t want to ruin that.

Then one day she told me that her and this other guy we hung out with were dating. I had already started to suspect it, and she confirmed it. I told her I was happy for her, and I really am; its just really hard to see them together. When its just the three of us, I feel like the third wheel. I am really trying to be normal but its hard. I feel like since this happened I have been different and I don’t want to be different. I want it to be like it was but its not and I don’t know how to change that. I don’t think I can. The worst part is that she is my friend, and I can’t even talk to her about it. That’s the hardest part of all.

I hate myself for loving Dani. How could I let myself fall in love with someone who I don’t even have a chance with? Why couldn’t I fall in love with someone who could love me back? When will I find that special someone who will love me back? Someone who actually does love me who isn’t abusive in any way? Someone who is a person of God? Someone where we can grow together in God? I’m trying to be patient that God has someone for me and will bring them to me, but I’m getting impatient. I really don’t know if I’m ready for that but God does. I’m not sure what else I need to do to be ready. I feel like I’m 30, and if I plan to have children some day, I need to get started. And maybe none of that is in the cards for me, but why not???

I’m not really sure how to end those thoughts above right now. Its so complicated, so I’m just going to end it there.

Love & Peace

Devin