Category Archives: Love/Loved

A Positive Day…

Last night I went to my friend N’s house to spend the night. Today was a Pray and Play church program in Portland. I spent the night at N’s so that I would already be closer and could ride with her. The big bonus to this was spending some extra one-on-one time with her, which I always enjoy. The Pray and Play was a big blessing. We had some small group activities. The pastor leading, C, always tries to get us to get into groups with people we don’t know a lot about. I ended up in a group of just me and one other person, K. I was thankful for only the two of us being in a group, and it seemed like she did too. K is a very special person and we seemed to connect well. When we first got into a group, we were sitting in front of a few women who thought they needed to talk, while C talked up front. As soon as we got a chance, K turned to me and said, “we need to move.” I was like, “Yeah, we do!” So we relocated. I then told her I wished I could say something to the women behind us, but didn’t have the guts. So we did our group activities, which focused on prayer and three women from the Bible, who saw Christ. Anna who saw HIm as an infant, The Bent Over Woman who needed healing, and the women who went to the tomb after Jesus had been risen. We then had to tie these women into our lives and talked about how we can see Christ in even small things, if we are looking. After we came back together, we again ended up sitting in front of the women who thought they needed to talk. I thought it was funny because K and I both turned at the same time and said, “Shh..” The women were quiet after that. One thing I really appreciated about K was that she had healing hands. I am the type of person that if I know you, I will put my hand on your shoulder when I talk or touch your arm. I do this a lot where I work. One resident told me I had healing hands, by doing this. It felt nice to be on the receiving side of this. It was also nice that K felt comfortable doing this, when she didn’t know me well. I will say that not everyone who does this, I feel comfortable with; but in this case, it made me feel good.

So after Pray and Play, I rode home with N, and then got my stuff and headed back to my home. When I got home, I took a nap. Then I decided I REALLY needed to stop procrastinating and mow the lawn. When I was out doing yard work the other day, I had done some pruning on the rose bushes out back, but hadn’t picked up the branches. So I needed to do that before mowing. I went over to start picking up the yard. I bent over and all of a sudden heard this, what I thought, was loud buzzing. It was really loud and I thought it was a big bug. I kind of jumped and looked to see what it was. There was a hummingbird drinking from the blueberry bush flowers. I wished I had my camera and then decided to just enjoy it while it was there, instead of stressing about having my camera. I watched it for a couple of minutes before it flew off. I got a big warm feeling in my chest as I watched it. I felt thankful that God had blessed me so much today.

Then about half an hour ago, I decided to go get the mail, as I hadn’t gotten it since Thursday. In the mail was a letter from the little boy I sponsor in Columbia. It put another big smile in my heart.

God blesses me everyday, but today I was watching and saw so many blessings. I am so thankful tonight!

Now it’s time to go take a relaxing bath and head to bed.

Nighty-Night,
Devin

Dani Flashback

Wow! So last night, I had worked a 4 pm-8 pm shift. While I was sitting at the nurses station, writing my chart notes; a couple of women had come in looking for the lab diagnostic book. I had to go up and ask my med aid where it was. I found out it is stored on the Rehab side. So came back downstairs and told them this. Then they left. A few minutes later, they came back with another woman with them (they evidently couldn’t find the book). When I looked up, I swear the third woman looked just like Dani. I don’t know if it was because of how I reacted, but she almost looked like she knew me too. Then they were talking to my med aid and I went back to charting. I didn’t want to stare. Then when I glanced back up, it didn’t look so much like Dani anymore. Most everything did, but her eyes looked different. I really can’t explain it. It was SO unreal and I’ve never had something like this happen before. Now I feel the pain for her again. It is always so strong. I would think I would have gotten over her by now.

Awhile ago, I bought a book at Barnes & Noble called, List Yourself, Listmaking as the Way to Self-Discovery, by Ilene Segalove and Paul Bob Velick. Tonight I happened to pick it up and look at it some. One of the first pages I opened up too was, List What You Would Say If The One Who Got Away Showed Up In Your Room. Yikes, I have a lot I would say. I’m not sure I could get everything I would want to say out in words. Lets see what I could get out…

List What You Would Say If The One Who Got Away Showed Up In Your Room

1) I have NEVER had the strong connection, we had, with anyone else.
2) I fell in love with you the first week, when you started training me.
3) I always loved the time we spent together
4) I wanted to tell you SO badly, how I really felt, but didn’t want to ruin our friendship, by freaking you out.
5) The night you told me you were dating the other guy, felt like a sword through my heart. It was all I could do, to keep from crying. I really hoped you didn’t see the pain in my eyes.
6) I tried really hard to still be your friend after that, but it was hard. It hurt every time I saw you two together. It hurt every time you talked about all the fun things you did, like go to Hawaii together.
7) It’s better now, but every once in awhile, those memories come flooding back, and the hurt is there all over again.
8) I will never love anyone the way I loved you.

Well I think that about sums it up!

Night All
Devin

Feeling Loved!

So after being SO depressed yesterday, I still didn’t have the energy to go to church today. There are days when I’m down and don’t want to go, but will still attend. Today the idea of getting off work at 2pm, rushing home for a quick nap, shower and then to drive 40 minutes to church, to get there by 5pm, was extremely overwhelming. So I decided I needed to just stay home and do nothing tonight. One reason I haven’t looked for another church just because it’s closer, is because I work most Sundays and then can still go to church in the evening. Another reason is the idea of trying a new church by myself is overwhelming. My church is small and we meet in member’s homes, so it wasn’t quite as intimidating to me at first. Anyway, back to my story. So tonight I didn’t go to church. Normally, I would text someone and tell them I wasn’t coming. Usually my Pastor/Friend S or friend D. Anyway, tonight I guess I kind of wanted them to worry about me. I wanted to know that someone cared about me, and even if that made them mad that I didn’t let them know, I didn’t care. And I know this sounds really bad, but I think it is still the BPD showing it’s ugly head right now. So I didn’t text. After a little bit S texted me and said she was missing me. Then D also texted and said she missed me and hoped everything was alright. I responded to both saying I was tired and had a hard last couple of days. After Church, S texted me and asked if she could call. I said she could. So she called and then passed the phone around to the rest of my church family. It was very uplifting to hear everyone’s voices and to hear that they missed me and were thinking of me. Quite a few said they loved me and missed my hugs. My Pastor’s husband who is also a pastor, told me that he was proud of me, for taking care of myself today. It was nice to get the validation. So even though I’m tired and still feeling a bit off, I will be going to bed tonight, knowing I am loved and cared for. I really needed that phone call tonight! S has no idea, what it REALLY meant to me.

Love & Peace
Devin

I Fell in Love…

So I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about this on here and then decided, it would be OK since most of you don’t really know who I am anyway. The people who do know me who will read this probably already know the situation as I’ve talked to those couple of people already about it. So what the hell…

So I fell in love, and I hate myself for it. This is where I tell you that I’m bisexual. The woman I ended up falling in love with is straight. I’ll call her Dani. She is a beautiful woman who is very pleasant and amazing to be around. When I first met her, we became fast friends. We had a lot in common and had a lot of fun together. I never told her I liked her because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. We hung out more and more and as we got to know each other, I fell for her. I fell hard for her. I still couldn’t tell her how I really felt. She is an amazing friend and I didn’t want to ruin that.

Then one day she told me that her and this other guy we hung out with were dating. I had already started to suspect it, and she confirmed it. I told her I was happy for her, and I really am; its just really hard to see them together. When its just the three of us, I feel like the third wheel. I am really trying to be normal but its hard. I feel like since this happened I have been different and I don’t want to be different. I want it to be like it was but its not and I don’t know how to change that. I don’t think I can. The worst part is that she is my friend, and I can’t even talk to her about it. That’s the hardest part of all.

I hate myself for loving Dani. How could I let myself fall in love with someone who I don’t even have a chance with? Why couldn’t I fall in love with someone who could love me back? When will I find that special someone who will love me back? Someone who actually does love me who isn’t abusive in any way? Someone who is a person of God? Someone where we can grow together in God? I’m trying to be patient that God has someone for me and will bring them to me, but I’m getting impatient. I really don’t know if I’m ready for that but God does. I’m not sure what else I need to do to be ready. I feel like I’m 30, and if I plan to have children some day, I need to get started. And maybe none of that is in the cards for me, but why not???

I’m not really sure how to end those thoughts above right now. Its so complicated, so I’m just going to end it there.

Love & Peace

Devin