Tag Archives: BPD

Still Alive…

Hello,

I just wanted everyone to know that I am still alive. I have been in a place I haven’t been in a long time. Very depressed and with no interests whatsoever. At least before I was hospitalized, I was still interested in posting and stuff, but even that has gone away. I will try to post every so often until I get out of this slump.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Devin

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Feeling Like A Failure…

I just called my Dad for Father’s Day. We had a nice talk. He told me though, that my brother and his girlfriend just bought a house. He also told me that my brother is trying to start his own Roofing business. My brother is 4 1/2 years younger then me. I am 31 and barely surviving. I woke up depressed this morning because of some triggering dreams. The transitional housing fell through, for now. I might be able to do it in the future but for now, it’s not an option. This has created more tension here, as my roommates really want me out. Almost every time I go upstairs she asks me if I’ve been looking or found anything out yet. I’m just really depressed and need to talk to someone but don’t know who to talk too. Lately I just haven’t had the energy to blog. I would say my mood is about a 2 this morning.

Devin

Seven More Days…

Seven more days until the 16th! The 16th is a good day! My friend J is coming out from Texas, so we are meeting up for dinner. I have a counseling appointment with an awesome counselor. AND that is the end of the poetry contest I entered, so I should find out shortly after, that I won. I’m trying all the visualization stuff, people are always talking about. I am visualizing a check with $1000 dollars written on it in my name. I am picturing my poems in the magazine, as the winning person. I’m also praying that I win. It’s been a couple months since I’ve been working, and I could really use the money to pay some extra bills. I could also use the “being published” part. That way when I get my books finished, it will be easier to get an agent, so that I can publish my books. I know I could self-publish, and that’s good for those that do, but I feel like if my things are good enough to be published, then I should be payed to have it done, rather then having to pay for it myself. I also am not motivated enough to go through with self-publishing.

So seven more days until the day comes!!!

Love & Peace
Devin

Been Away…

I’ve been in one of those moods again, where I don’t have anything to say. I would say I’m coming out of my slump, but am just not feeling up to writing or reading much. So haven’t even done a lot of reading of other blogs lately. I’ve been binge watching Lost a lot. Then on Friday, I went to hang out with my friend G. She has a large library of movies, so I borrowed 5 and watched 4 of them over the weekend. She is planning on bringing more to church, so I can trade them out.

This morning I made a broccoli quiche. I’m not much for cooking, as it stresses me out. I bought the ingredients last week, and procrastinated until this morning. So now it’s in the oven, and smells delicious! And I didn’t get as stressed out this time. Of course GR cut my onion and garlic for me, so that helped a lot.

I messed up and overdrew my bank account. I thought something had already come out, but it hadn’t. So thought I had more money then I did. And then since I haven’t been working yet, I was kind of panicking. Bills will start coming out in 4 days. So I asked my church if they could help me. Then my Aunt A has also agreed to help me out some. So I should be good for a little while. Hopefully I will hear about my drug test this week. Then I can start working.

And now the rest of the day I’m just chillin’. I will be going to my friend D’s house, before church, and hanging out.

Love & Peace
Devin

Drug Test

This morning I had to go fill out the new hire paper work, and take a drug test. The drug test was one they give there at work. Then it shows up on the side of the cup, if there are drugs in your system. I didn’t even think about the fact that eating a bagel with whole poppy seeds for breakfast would effect it. I didn’t even think about it until the test tested positive for opiates. So now they have to send the test to the lab, which could take at least a week. So the job has to wait until after that.  I wish I would have remembered that poppy seeds can have that effect, and I would have had something else for breakfast. I am feeling very defeated!

Devin

Things Looking Up, Mood Still Down

Things are starting to come together. I go in tomorrow morning to sign New Hire paperwork at the new job. My new counselor J is awesome! I went to my new recovery group last night and I think it’s going to be a good fit. I am going to Bible Study tomorrow evening at the same place. All of these things are good, but I’m still in the dumps. Why? I don’t know. Once I get my new medication provider, I am going to talk to them about my meds. Just been slumping it lately.

Devin