Tag Archives: CBT

To My Mother >>>Trigger Warning<<<

To My Mother,

I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.

I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!

Devin

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Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) >>>Trigger Warning<<<

Yikes! CBT was a huge trigger for me again today. At the beginning, we did a meditation. I was doing OK with it and then self harm thoughts started to creep in. After meditation, I just felt more and more triggered. We weren’t even talking about anything triggering. I’m thinking that part of it was anticipation of feelings, since last week I got triggered. Finally I said something about it. The instructor, S, asked me if I was sad. I felt a little sad but once she asked, it was like any energy I had left, to keep myself together, left. It just drained out, I could feel it. S kept prodding and my mother stuff came up again. The things she called and said to me. No parent should ever talk to their child like that. It really fucks them up!

Now at age 31, I am learning how to grieve for what I didn’t receive as a child. I am having to grieve that I grew up to fast and had to be the adult. I have to grieve the fact that, I had to take care of my mother’s feelings, more then she even thought about mine. I am learning that it is OK to grieve these things, and is actually better for me, if I do. I’m not sure how to grieve it though. How to just let it out. I’m so afraid of opening that dam up. What if after I do, I can’t gain control of it. I am SO afraid of loosing control. On one hand I’m afraid of it, and on the other, I want it! But so far I’ve been able to hold it together. I wish I could get angry and break things and let go, but something keeps me from doing it. One of the other group members left early today, because she had lost control. I was actually envious of her because I can’t do that, not in front of people anyway. And sometimes I don’t even let myself when I’m alone. I just so afraid of it!

So now it’s time for another post, to my mother. Coming up next!

Devin