LIES! It’s All Lies!

I’m not even sure how to start this post out. I’ve been in a funk lately. When I get into a funk like this, I believe that everything nice, people say about me is a lie. Even when I’m not in a funk I don’t totally believe it, but it’s even worse when I’m in a funk. People at work tell me, that most of the residents like me a lot. A lot of the residents┬átell me that I’m their favorite caregiver. They tell me that I do a good job. People from my church tell me nice things. They tell me that they’ve adopted me as family. These people tell me these things over and over again. I just can’t bring myself to believe it. Somewhere deep inside of me is a bad root that tells me these are lies. This root tells me that these people are just trying to be nice. That they pity my sensitivity and so tell me these things, so as not to hurt my feelings. For some reason it is easier to believe this bad root, then all the people telling me good things. It makes me hate myself because either all these people are liars and lying to me, or I can’t figure out how to believe the truth.

It doesn’t help that I have a couple people who say they want to hang out but when it comes right down to it, they are too busy. Or I always have to take the initiative which is really tiring. Or they make plans within earshot or right next to me, and then I just feel left out. I just need one friend who wants the same from me as I do from them. Someone who will call ME up, and say, “let’s go get coffee.” My best friend who I could do this with is in WI and too far away.

I guess I’m just lonely and wishing for someone to want to actually be my friend and not just in words but also in actions. Sometimes I think I am just to much for people and they can’t handle me, so just put up a front when I’m around.

Devin

Needing to Write (I Think)

Well tonight I’m feeling kind of antsy. I’m not sure entirely why. I felt like I needed to write but don’t have anything big to write about. Finally decided to ride the stationary bike for 20 minutes and read while doing it. That helped some. I need to be heading to bed soon but don’t feel like it. Will have to force myself again. Hopefully my nightly meditation will help me settle down some.

Hours at work have been cut because of low census. So I’m working an average of 3 days a week, right now. Not nearly enough for the pay check but at least it’s something. I have worked one night at one of the other facilities a couple of towns over. They are needing a lot of help right now, so I have offered to also work there on occasion. I got a text tonight asking if I could work from 6p-10p. I would have said yes but I worked 6a-2p today, and do the same tomorrow. I REALLY need the hours but I also REALLY need me time and sleep. Since I’ve worked crazy hours in the past, burning myself out, I am not willing to do that again. I have to have faith that God will provide all of my needs.

Well I need to go do some kitchen cleanup and then head up to bed. Four O’clock in the morning comes awfully early.

Love & Peace
Devin

Dani Thoughts Again

So I’ve been watching the last couple seasons of Friends on Netflix. I had the first 9 seasons on DVD and now it’s on Netflix so I can finish it there. I’ll still buy the last seasons, but for now this will work.

Anyway today I was watching the end of Season 9. One of the episodes was where Rachel was helping Joey practice his lines for Days of Our Lives. She told him to remember when he was in love, and let that help his reaction for how he was supposed to be in the show. He started describing to her about how when he loved her. One thing he said was that it was hard to see her, because he just wanted to kiss her. How it was hard being around her because of his feelings. I don’t remember word for word what he said, but it brought up a bunch of emotions about Dani. I can SO relate to what he was saying because that is how I felt about her. It was even harder to see her with her boyfriend. I think if we still hung out, I would still be feeling that way. Or if we were to start hanging out again. A lot of those feelings aren’t as strong because I don’t see her all the time, so I’m not constantly thinking about her. The feelings are obviously still there once she is in my head.

Then I start thinking about if I will EVER fall in love with someone who also loves me back. Right now it doesn’t seem possible. I don’t know if I could ever love someone like I loved her. We had such a great connection. I don’t know if that will ever happen again. I just feel so lonely sometimes. And I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I want to be with someone who loves me the same way I love them. I try to be patient that God has someone, somewhere for me. But sometimes it is really hard to see that.

Here’s to hoping!

Love & Peace
Devin

From My Ex…

So yesterday when I got off work, I saw that I had a text with an XXX area code. I pretty much knew who it was since she is the only person that would text me with that area code. My Ex, M. She texts me roughly every 6 months, even though I told her I don’t want any contact. This time she was asking me if I wanted some pictures that she found of mine. My first thought was, “what if she actually has pictures that I didn’t get with me.” Then I thought, “No, I’m pretty sure I got all the pictures of mine.” “And if not, can I just let them go and forget about them?” Then because I always second guess my decisions, I talked to my pastor about it. While talking to S, I came to the conclusion that I really didn’t want to bring M into my life. Considering that she has a reputation of finding excuses to text me around the same time period, I could most likely be sure this was just a ploy to try and pull me back in. To kind of test the waters, I decided I would just respond with, “No Thanks.” Then depending on if or what she responded, would pretty much answer my question. Her response back, was this, “Why not? Just so you know, I have moved on. I am in a relationship. The pics are of when you went to help your grandma move.” Ah, so she really just wanted to tell me she was in a relationship. OK, well I moved on a long time ago and I didn’t need to be in a relationship to do that. Though I was the one that broke it off, so while it was hard, it was probably easier for me to move on. I was looking for brighter and better things. She was an emotional abuser and very negative. I didn’t want that toxicity in my life. Second, thankfully I already had those pictures so didn’t need to respond to that. I figured that I probably had them since we had made copies of all the pictures while we were still together. I have gone through a lot of the CDs of pictures I have, and found that there are a lot of duplicated pictures. I wasn’t too worried about them after my first response.

So after her last response, here are some things I wanted to respond back. One was to tell her what I said above, “That I had moved on and didn’t need a relationship to do it with.” And second, “So you want an award or something?” Neither of these things would have helped the situation. Now admittedly, I am very curious as to who she is in a relationship with. She was an emotional abuser, negative attitude and had poor hygiene. I’m not saying this to slander her but it’s who she was. I am really hoping that she has grown and has found someone where they can be on equal ground, and neither be abused or co-dependent. Our relationship was definitely the latter, also. So upon my curiosity, I decided to do some searching for her Facebook page. Now I had blocked her on all of mine (There was a time when I had multiples for things like Farmville). I couldn’t find her but thought maybe she had blocked me. So I started a Facebook under my fictitious name and searched but still couldn’t find her. So either she has it hidden very well or she has shut it down. It would surprise me if she shut it down because when we were together all she ever wanted to do was play Facebook games and other online games. Maybe this other person is good for her and got her away from the computer some. Who knows? I was a lot disappointed that I couldn’t find her, but it was probably for the best. Maybe it was a God thing, knowing that it was better for me not to find her. I will never know.

I said I moved on, but then admitting the above makes me wonder. We were together for 4 years though so she was a big part of my life. It’s hard to move on from that completely. Something to talk to my counselor and pastor about.

Glad to be to a better place in my life!

Love & Peace
Devin