Pulling Myself Up By The Bootstraps…

Hello Everyone, 
So a lot has happened in the last week. A couple of weeks ago, I got a letter confirming that I had been accepted on the Oregon Health Plan. So one weeks ago, I went to my first doctor’s appointment in a few years. I had been dealing with a lot of depression and just couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it this time. So I talked to my doctor about it and she put me on Zoloft. Then last week, I got my labs done and Monday I go in to hear about those, and get my physical. It feels really good to be taking care of myself. 

So 3 times in the past I have been hospitalized for depression and self harm. At that time, I was put on medications. I was put on a cocktail of things. I was on and off a number of different meds from 2003 until I went off them in 2011 or 2012. Because of all the side effects that come with taking medications, I really wanted to fight this on my own. I also felt like the medications took my creativity away. Anyway, I was very stubborn about staying off medications this time. But I finally gave in. This time I feel like its a little more in my control, which helps me feel a little better about it. I feel like I have a choice in the outcome of this. 

So far I’ve been feeling better about things. I don’t know if the medication is starting to take affect already or because some other things have happened this last week. Or both. 

I have a storage unit reserved. So now its just setting up to move everything. I will feel so much better once everything is moved. It will cost more but I won’t have to worry about bothering people. At least in that matter. 

I had a good time hanging out with Dani. We went to Russell St BBQ, which is an AWESOME BBQ place. Then we walked around Lloyd Center. We hung out in Barnes & Nobles for awhile. I bought a red leather journal with a heart on it. I am using this to write about my feelings for Dani. We had a good time together and it ended way to soon. 

My dad came this week from WI. He came out here to buy a pick up truck. So I picked him up on Monday at the airport and spent time with him Monday and Tuesday. He found a truck and drove it back, leaving here Wed morning. In WI, they salt the roads, which causes vehicles to rust faster. So he came to OR to buy a truck that will hopefully last longer. I had a good time seeing him for a couple of days. 

I am seeing things differently about my living situation, so hopefully this will make it a little easier on me. 

My aunt and uncle that I live with, are also teaching me round dancing. I am still self-conscious about it but hopefully that will get better. 

I think that I all for now. 

Love & Peace
Devin

 

It’s Been Awhile

So its been ALMOST a month since I’ve written. I’m really not sure where to start tonight. There has been a lot that has happened but I feel like I’m not sure how to put it all in words. I am still looking for work, living at my aunt and uncles. I am in the process of finding a new place for my stuff because the people who are storing it now, are selling their house. I am thinking a storage unit because then I don’t have to worry about bothering people with it. So far I’ve only visited Wyatt once. I want to visit him more but I’ve been busy most weekends with church stuff, or just not in the mood. It is really hard seeing him. Sometimes its easier to just pretend that he’s just a dream. I’m not sure if dream is the right way of describing it or not. I know that makes me sound so heartless but my heart breaks to be back with him, whenever I think about him. 

I have had a couple of interviews but nothing as come out of them yet. I really need a job so I can move on from here. I need to find a healthier, happier atmosphere. I really wish there was someone else I could live with, but there’s not. And I don’t have the money to move into my own place. Even just renting a room seems to be more then I can afford at this point. 

I have gone to the beach since my last post. I went with my friend P. I had an awesome time and hopefully P did also. Took some really cool pictures, which is therapeutic for me. 

So early on in my blog, I mentioned my friend Dani who I had fallen in love with. We had worked together and the last couple of months before being fired, I had kind of distanced myself from her because she had started dating a guy we worked with. Anyways after being fired I didn’t see or talk to her much. I have seen her twice when going to the hospital to visit my friend N. So on Sunday we are planning on going to lunch and hanging out for awhile. I want to be friends with her and hang out but ever since seeing her the other day and then making plans for Sunday, I can’t get her out of my mind again. I’ve seen some movies where the guy is friends with a girl and falls in love but the girl doesn’t like him in that way. I know its just a movie but I’m sure it happens in real life. I mean obviously its happening to me, so it happens in real life. I feel its a little different in a straight situation because the guy can try to see if the girl likes him. When I’m around Dani, I feel like I have to completely keep a secret from her. As far as I know, she identifies as straight and my fear is that if I said anything, it would ruin our friendship. The other part is that she is young, and if she ever did sway away from being straight, she would need to figure it out herself, not with me pushing it on her. I hate feeling this way though because I think about her every  waking moment. Its hard to get to sleep at night because she is right there on the forefront of my mind. It sucks though because you can’t stop these kind of feelings. I don’t even know how to begin to push them down. That wouldn’t be healthy anyway, but at least I would be able to stop thinking about her. I did stop for awhile because I didn’t see her every day at work anymore. Now talking about hanging out, brings it all back out again. I honestly don’t know how to begin to deal with these feelings. I’ve heard people in movies or read about them feeling this way in books. I never really knew it was actually possible until Dani. But its with someone I can’t even have mutual feelings about. My heart feels like it breaks every day. How do you be a friend with someone you are madly in love with, who doesn’t love you back? And why couldn’t I fall in love with someone who loved me back? It just doesn’t seem fair. And I know life isn’t fair, but come on! 

Well that seems to be the most of what is going on here, besides dealing with depression and anxiety, and there isn’t really anything to say about that. Though that is probably why I haven’t written much lately. 

Love & Peace 
Devin