Tag Archives: Bad day

Still Alive…

Hello,

I just wanted everyone to know that I am still alive. I have been in a place I haven’t been in a long time. Very depressed and with no interests whatsoever. At least before I was hospitalized, I was still interested in posting and stuff, but even that has gone away. I will try to post every so often until I get out of this slump.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Devin

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Migraine! >>>COULD TRIGGER<<<

This morning I woke up with anxiety. I also woke up with only a half an hour to get ready. Thankfully, I had showered and made my lunch last night. All I had to do was get a breakfast ready. I made my breakfast to go. I left only about 5 minutes late. So I was still having anxiety and then on the way to work, I got tearful and I’m not sure exactly why. I know part of it was that I went into work last night to talk to HR and saw a lot of my residents. This made me miss them. I was also still concerned that D hadn’t called me back yet. As I arrived to the treatment center (I was my usual early, so on time), my pastor texted me that she was praying for me. I know she prays for me but she doesn’t usually text me. So that made me feel a little better. We texted back and forth for a bit, and then shortly after we finished, D called. I felt instant relief and we talked for about 15 minutes. We had our community group for 30 minutes and then went back to our regular group. This put me at about 0945 am. We were getting ready to check in and all of sudden I had a migraine. I asked to go first to get it out of the way. I explained how I was feeling, and then was able to just try to listen to everyone else. It was hard though because the fluorescent lights were bright, and my eyes were hurting. My stomach felt upset, and I finally got up to get a wet paper towel or something for my eyes. I went to the front desk and asked if they had any clothes, which they didn’t. Then my stomach was feeling more upset, so I went to the bathroom and made myself throw up. I don’t normally do that. I don’t normally have a migraine to this extent. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown up from a headache before. So the relief from the migraine went away, but the head achy, tired blah feeling was still there. So I went back to group and waited until break, at which time, I decided to go home for the day. I hated leaving but I just couldn’t sit there any longer. So I talked to my therapist and then headed home. I had to stop and pick up my prescription and some Orchid Mix. I have some Orchids to save. Will talk about that on another post. I came home and took a nap, and woke up with a headache. Not as migraine-y, but still just as bothersome.

So that is my day so far. I was proud of myself this morning because instead of going through drive through when I was late getting going, I made a breakfast. That’s not the norm for me. I was also proud that I made the decision to take care of myself. I’m trying to look at things I did well each day. I am planning to start  writing these things in a journal, so I can go back and look them over, to help remind me that I do, do things well.

Love & Peace
Devin

Don’t Know How I Feel…

I’m not even sure where to start on how I feel right now. I’m feeling discouraged about my job, and discouraged about myself. When I got my job in September, I really felt like God was leading me in that direction. I still don’t doubt that He put me in that job, but I’m wondering why. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not getting many hours. And I’m really irritated with most of the people there. The employees, that is; I love the residents. If I’m not going to be even making part time hours, then I need to find another job. I don’t know where that would be. I don’t know that I want to move on to another assisted living facility. I feel like I am back to square one, and stuck. I don’t know how to move on, again. I feel like I am always going to be in this stuck place. Because of my own limitations, I don’t know how to move on. I feel like only a couple people really understand how I am feeling. How I have no energy. And how the stress of the job, for me, isn’t the normal stress that someone without mental illness goes through. It goes beyond the next level and into the anxiety level of stress. The part where you really just want to scream, and curl up into a ball and cry. When I say my job stresses me out or the idea of working full time hours, stresses me out; people just don’t get it. They think I am being lazy or over exaggerating. They don’t know what that kind of stress is like. And I have had SO many people tell me, when I’m talking to them about my hours being cut at work, “well that’s not going to help you get out of your aunts.” Gee, really? You could have fooled me. I don’t need people to state the obvious. I’m not asking for you to tell me what I already know, I just want you to listen. It’s like telling me, smoking is bad for me, and will kill me. You think I don’t know that? And now that I’ve quit, AGAIN, I am feeling antsy and I really want a cigarette. I noticed the cravings are a lot worse at night. And I’ve been really missing my pup, Wyatt lately. I feel guilty that I can’t be with him. I feel guilty that he and I are both having to depend on other people. He needs to be back with me. I haven’t even been able to go see him, since i got this job. Either I don’t have the time or I don’t have the money.

Tired of being stuck,
Devin

D is for…DISTRESSING!

In my time zone, I still have 50 minutes to get my D blog in, so I’m going for it.

D is for Distressing. I worked the 2 pm to 10 pm shift tonight. It stunk! The girl who was on as manager tonight is not a nice person. Oh she’s very nice to her buddies, but to me she’s not. She made tonight horrible, and I am very thankful that I don’t work this shift all the time. Then when I only had three hours left and was sort of holding things together, I went into one residents room. M started talking about Easter and what it means, which led to a conversation about different denominations. It was a good conversation though, so I was OK with it. He never at all said that one denomination is better then another, which is good. Anyway as I was getting ready to leave, I took his hand, and he just started praying for me and my life. I wasn’t expecting this, and it of course made it harder to hold things together. I made it out of there, and through the rest of the evening, though there were a few other times, where I almost lost it. Then night shift came in and the night manager is really nice.S told me that H shouldn’t talk to me or treat me the way she does. She suggested that I talk to head administration about it. I haven’t fully decided what I’m going to do yet, but am considering it. I guess there have been some other issues with this person too. I just hate having to be a whistle blower and really just want a job where I can, just chill out for once. My last job I got someone fired because he was being inappropriate to me. Thankfully, for me, it was his third offense, so they sent him on his way. I’m just tired of being the one who has to stand up to people all the time. I mean it’s either stand up about this or just deal with it, and go home crying every time I work with her. This isn’t the first time she has treated me this way. So anyway, when S was talking to me, I almost broke down, but barely held it together. Then I made it to my car and let it go. I’m home now, showered and ready for bed.

On another note, I have two cigarettes left in my pack. Tomorrow, after I smoke them, I am quitting. My cough is getting a lot worse. I went to my doctor a week, or two weeks ago (I can’t remember). She gave me an inhaler, and some cough pearls, and more sudafed (the good kind). Nothing seems to be doing much. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with smoking. I had issues last time I smoked, where I was waking up in the middle of the night wheezing. I was hoping that it was because I was smoking menthol cigarettes at the time. I was hoping that I could get away with smoking this time. Evidently not! Anyway, so I’m going to quit. Now I know, I just can’t smoke. In the long run, this is good. I just feel like I need a vice but it can’t be smoking. I know, I know…exercise! I hate exercise!!! Unless I’m walking my dog, who I don’t have right now, or walking/exercising, with someone else.

Sometimes, life really stinks!
Devin

A Is For…AWAKE!

Awake is what I want to be. After writing my blog last night, Bedtime, I was able to go pretty much go right to sleep. I ended up having a horrible nightmare that awoke me somewhere in the middle of the night. I don’t remember the time. I had a dream, that my dad and one of my brothers (it wasn’t clear which one) were in a horrible accident. I was driving an ambulance right behind them. There was also another ambulance behind me. I’m not sure why I was driving an ambulance because I’ve never done this in real life. Anyways, after that the dream is too complicated to try and describe. I don’t know if I actually screamed or was just about to scream when I woke up, but I felt it in my throat when I awoke. I immediately started crying, and cried for awhile. I was finally able to go back to sleep for awhile and woke up around 7 am or so. After doing my morning routine and eating breakfast, about 8 am, I decided to take a nap in my recliner. I slept for about 3 hours but had really strange dreams the whole time. Now I’m physically awake but I feel really tired, and that emotional hang over after crying a lot. I know that I really need to do a couple of hours of work for my rent today, but I just don’t feel like it. I really just want to do nothing. I feel like I’m going into another depressive slope, and I am hoping that it will be short and minor, this time.

I have decided that I am going to participate in the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Today is A, so I chose Awake as my word. I signed up on the list but forgot to put the AC for adult content, so they may delete me off the list. If they do, I will continue to just do it on my own. It’s free and sounds fun, so thought I would participate.

That is all for today!
~Devin

Dreams & Depression

I’m not sure at which point I should start this post. I’m not sure which came first, the egg or the chicken? The dream or the depression? I have weird dreams a lot. Ones where I wake up with major anxiety or depression. I’ve been down a lot lately. The last couple of days, I woke up with headaches. Last night I had another weird dream. I woke up really depressed and not caring, today. I’m not sure, really how to explain the dream. I was with a group of people and writing a note to a friend across the room. One girl (who was from my childhood church) S, was there and told on me. The woman who came over wasn’t really a security officer but was something in that area…? S told her she was concerned that I was going to fail. Then the woman came over and talked to me, and she was actually crying about it. Then she walked out and came back. Then I got in an argument with S, and told her I didn’t trust her or her family. Then the Woman came over and hugged me. She was standing and I was sitting so I had my head on her stomach area. Then she told everyone in the group that they needed to support me. So people (it seems like they were all women), came up to me and started talking to me. I don’t remember anything else about it. I woke up depressed. All day I kept getting the same feeling, I get when someone is really concerned about me and sincerely ask me how I am. It’s kind of like a self-conscious, I’m-in-trouble, embarrassed feeling, but yet feels good in a way. I have no idea how to explain that feeling. Anyway the dream and that feeling has been bothering me all day and I needed to talk about it. Since I don’t, at the moment have someone I can explain it to in person, I thought I would post it. I wish there was a better way to explain it. I wish I had someone who would just hold me and cry for me, like that woman did. I just so badly want someone to just hold me, until I’m better. I’ve always needed that, and never really got it.

That is all!

Love & Peace
Devin

Wow! Three Months! >WARNING: MAY TRIGGER<

Hello All,
Sorry I haven’t written in 3 months. Things have been tough for me emotionally and I’ve been doing some isolating. I still go to church and meet with my Pastor, so that is helping me get out a little bit. I thought about writing but just didn’t feel like I had anything good to say. I still don’t know if I do or not, but wanted you to know I’m still alive and kicking.

I have been really good about taking my meds and checking up with my doctor. She has raised my Zoloft and also put me on Vitamin D and Fish Oil. I started seeing a counselor, H, and she wanted me to go on Fish Oil. I am hoping these will help me. H is REALLY cool! As soon as we walked into her office, I knew I would like her. The first thing she did was take off her shoes, and that is what I do too. There were a lot of things I like about her and I’m hoping this can be a good fit. Something has got to be figured out here. I’m SO tired of feeling this way. H explained some things to me and validated some feelings I didn’t even realize, why, until I saw her. One conversation we had was this… I had told her that I hadn’t wanted to go back on medication or see a counselor because I wanted to fight this on my own. I didn’t want to have to have help. H asked me, “So when you go to your doctor and take the medication, who is giving that to you?” “Me.” “And when you come here to see me and I give you homework and you go home and do it, Who is doing it?” “Me.” OK. I get the point. So I am really doing the work towards getting better. I am trying to see that in a different light. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

One counselor I had in the past hospitalized me for something I had written. What I had written pertained to wanting to be taken care of. I wasn’t suicidal or self-harming. Anyway, for some reason that I don’t understand T took me to the hospital. So I am going to have a conversation with H, next time I go see her about this. I need to know from the beginning, at what point she would hospitalize me. I need to know if it is safe to openly talk about if I feel the desire to hurt myself or if I need to hide that. I am able to talk to my Pastor openly about it and she lets me talk it out. If I can’t talk to H about it, I’ll just keep that part for my Pastor.

So the last month or so has been SUPER hard! The last two weeks I was in a really deep funk. I was just so depressed and wanting to hurt myself a lot. I did hurt myself once. I talked to my Pastor about it afterwards. A lot of times I will text my Pastor, S and tell her that I’m promising to be safe. This time I didn’t. S asked me why I didn’t tell her. I told her, because I didn’t want to be safe. Which was the truth. If I had wanted to be safe, I would have reached out. Anyway so this week, I don’t feel the deep depression but I am still tired and completely unmotivated. I don’t know how to describe the difference. Both places, I don’t feel like caring. I don’t feel like I want to do anything but watch Netflix or sleep. But they are a bit different.

So yesterday was the last day for unemployment. I have an interview tomorrow for a possible personal assistant position. It would only be 10 hrs a week at $15 an hour, but at least its something. I am hoping to get it, just so I can keep up with my bills and get necessities. I am down to $15 a month for food stamps because of the amount I was getting on unemployment. I’m thinking now maybe I can get a little more. I’ve got to call and talk them next week. Once I figure out what’s happening with the interview tomorrow.

I am completely stepping back from the friendship with Dani. I’ve taken her off Facebook. After we hung out last time, I had messaged her a couple of times but she didn’t respond. And her Boyfriend was constantly tagging her in pictures of the two of them. It was just really hard seeing the pictures and thinking about her. I still think about her quite a bit, especially when I read a love story. I hate when people talk about ever ‘being in love.’ I have, she just wasn’t in love back.

I went up and dog sat, for the family that has Wyatt. They were gone last weekend so I went and took care of the animals. That is three dogs and two cats. It was SO nice to spend all that time with the animals, especially Wyatt. Plus I had the house to myself, so had my own space to do what I want, when I want. It was a nice break from being around people all the time. I went and got Pizza Hut for supper Friday night. It was so delicious!

I am also no longer dancing at this point. It’s a long story, but I feel OK about it. I may go back to it some day, just not right now.

Well I think that is all for now. I hope you are all well.

Love & Peace,
Devin