Category Archives: BPD

Graduation!

Today I graduated from Intensive Outpatient Therapy. It was a good and sad feeling. It’s good to be through it but I will SO miss everyone. This includes group members and most of the staff. Everyone in therapy was so understanding and encouraging. At the end of the day, those of us leaving, had to fill out a synopsis. This had questions about what fears we had upon going into therapy, what we got of it and what we would say to new people. Those a just a few. Then during daily reflections, we read it instead of doing our regular reflection paper. Then after reading the synopsis, others can comment or ask questions. Everyone said really nice things about me. I had mentioned earlier in the day that I had a blog, and so everyone wanted the website to it, so I wrote it on the board. Also, I had texted R last night about my poetry contest and she told me to bring my poems. I brought them and shared them with everyone. Well, R read one of them during morning check-ins and I shared the others later. Everyone really enjoyed my poems and said they were really good. That made me feel really good. I can’t wait until after the contest so that I can share with all of you too. Also since I posted about my anxiety this morning, I want everyone to know that it is mostly gone right now. D and his friend are supposed to come over tomorrow and do some yard work for my housemates. I haven’t heard from him for most of the week, so hopefully that is still in is plan. I can’t wait to see him again!

So that was my day. Hopefully I can get some more organizing done this weekend. I really need to figure out how to downsize.

Love & Peace
Devin

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Spending Out Of Control

So it seems like when I don’t have an income, that is when I want to spend money, the most. Then I get myself into a hole. This morning I am in the negative in my checking account. Yesterday I knew I needed more money so went to the credit union where I have a saving account. I drew out a hundred to put into my checking at my bank. Then I remembered that I have car insurance coming out. It came out yesterday (I hadn’t checked my account before going to the credit union). I am now $34.30 in the negative. I figured I would take the money into the bank today. I should have taken it in yesterday, but hadn’t realized how deep I was in. I guess I will be stopping at the bank before therapy and putting my money in through the ATM. Then because I will be having some other bills come out, I need to go back to the credit union to draw out at least $50 more, to put in. It’s been a long time since I’ve done this to myself. I am usually a lot better about this, since I’ve learned a few lessons. Evidently I haven’t learned them well enough. It’s mostly when I’m not getting an income that I do this. It’s like I have NO self-control during these times. I’m not sure how to change this part of me. Definitely something I have to work on.

Devin

Feeling Restless…

I’m feeling restless tonight. I’m not sure why. I was doing really well today. D contacted me again and today we hung out. It was a good day, with AWESOME company. Now I am in that restless mood, where I just don’t want to go to bed. I took my Trazodone already, and am just waiting for it to kick in. I’ve smoked more cigarettes then I should have today. And now I’m shoulding on myself. I had a cigarette before an hour long bath (or so), and then got out and needed another one. Then I felt kind of hungry, so I got some of the blueberries, I bought earlier today. Hopefully I’m tired enough to sleep when I’m done with them. My room is still chaotic, and I haven’t done anything with it yet. Also, I was supposed to go do some of the cleaning, I owe my aunt and uncle tomorrow, but my brakes are going out in my car and I really don’t want to drive 45 minutes with my brakes, being as they are. So I canceled. Maybe it’s just a lot of stuff, causing weird emotions. I am hoping that I will feel better in the morning.

Love & Peace
Devin

Feeling Better…

Today started out as my mood being a two. By lunch it was up to a four. Having the group to support me, helped a lot. Then at lunch, I talked to D, who has contacted me again. He’s fine, was just taking care of a lot of his own stuff. So by the end of our phone call, my mood was up to a 7. After therapy, I met with my Pastor/Friend, S, for Coffee. I also had an interview for food stamps, since I’m not working at this time. AND I also have an appointment for a new counselor, closer to where I’m now, living. Now I would say my mood is probably a 5 or 6. I’m not way down, and not way excited. I’m just in a good space.

Devin

To My Mother >>>Trigger Warning<<<

To My Mother,

I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.

I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!

Devin

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) >>>Trigger Warning<<<

Yikes! CBT was a huge trigger for me again today. At the beginning, we did a meditation. I was doing OK with it and then self harm thoughts started to creep in. After meditation, I just felt more and more triggered. We weren’t even talking about anything triggering. I’m thinking that part of it was anticipation of feelings, since last week I got triggered. Finally I said something about it. The instructor, S, asked me if I was sad. I felt a little sad but once she asked, it was like any energy I had left, to keep myself together, left. It just drained out, I could feel it. S kept prodding and my mother stuff came up again. The things she called and said to me. No parent should ever talk to their child like that. It really fucks them up!

Now at age 31, I am learning how to grieve for what I didn’t receive as a child. I am having to grieve that I grew up to fast and had to be the adult. I have to grieve the fact that, I had to take care of my mother’s feelings, more then she even thought about mine. I am learning that it is OK to grieve these things, and is actually better for me, if I do. I’m not sure how to grieve it though. How to just let it out. I’m so afraid of opening that dam up. What if after I do, I can’t gain control of it. I am SO afraid of loosing control. On one hand I’m afraid of it, and on the other, I want it! But so far I’ve been able to hold it together. I wish I could get angry and break things and let go, but something keeps me from doing it. One of the other group members left early today, because she had lost control. I was actually envious of her because I can’t do that, not in front of people anyway. And sometimes I don’t even let myself when I’m alone. I just so afraid of it!

So now it’s time for another post, to my mother. Coming up next!

Devin

Hard Day!

This morning was really good, but the afternoon was hard. In our CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) group, we talked about Automatic Negative Thoughts and switching them around. I talked about how my theory is that once everyone gets to know me, they won’t like me. I have always felt this way and had this fear. I shared this as a generalization thought. Then another woman J, was talking about feeling like a burden to her family, and the word projection came up. S, the therapist asked if J was projecting that onto her family, and then talked about that. Some how the realization came to me, that my mother must have been projecting her insecurities onto me. I still don’t understand how someone can use their insecurities to abuse others, because I would never do that, so can’t understand it. I do, however, feel like it’s a break through and maybe I AM actually working through some of this crap. I was very thankful for a couple of good therapists, and my friend C. who were there for me. After I got home, I was so emotionally drained, I had to take a cat nap. Now it’s time to start working on some packing things.

Love & Peace
Devin