How It Feels to Be ME

So I have a lot of people telling me lately how I look to them. That I am Positive, compassionate, patient, and more. I don’t feel these things so thought I would blog about it.

How it Feels To Be Me

You say I’m beautiful and strong
Positive, compassionate
Kind and caring

You tell me what an inspiration I am
That some day I will make it
And see things differently

What you don’t realize
Is I don’t see it that way
But complete opposite

I see the familiar mask
That is upon my face
Day after day

I see the things I hide
Deep within my mind
You would run far away

There is no way
Those nice things you say
Can possibly be me

For I am too broken
And torn apart inside
To ever be fixed

OK, so its been a LONG time since I’ve written a poem and this is rough draft, written just now but I tried. I don’t understand why I feel this way. The people I am talking about know pretty much all of my secrets. I have told them the things of my dark past. They tell me these nice things about me. I can’t get out of my head, that …if only they knew. I just feel like I have this mask that shows me as a good person but deep down I’m not. I don’t know why I can’t just believe them. I mean I know I’ve been told bad stuff about me for most of my life and its just a couple years in, of hearing good things. But I’m tired of feeling like I have everyone fooled. That if they only knew me, they wouldn’t want to be around me. I don’t know how to fully accept their love and positive affirmations. I don’t know how anyone could love someone like me.

That is all
Devin

Feeling Trapped…>Graphic Detail, Could Trigger<

All of my stuff is now moved and I am almost done with my apartment. I just have to turn in the keys but the apartment manager was gone today when I was there, so I’m going back tomorrow. Hopefully he will be there. On Friday I move in with my aunt and uncle. I am right now staying at N1&N2’s place. They go to my church and N1 co-pastor’s my church. They are storing my stuff. They were available, along with two other friends to help me move everything yesterday, so I am staying here until Friday.

I am having an extremely hard time with the fact that I have to go to my aunt and uncle’s on Friday. I feel like it will be emotionally unsafe. The closer it comes, the more unsettled I feel about the situation. My stomach is upset from it and tonight I feel like cutting. This is the first time I have really felt like cutting since my whole recent situation has started. This really scares me because, if I am feeling like cutting because of having to move in there, then there is a huge problem. I feel like I don’t have any other choice. I have kind of hinted to a few different people that I really don’t want to move in there and that its stressing me out; but that is all I can do. I really don’t know how to ask anyone else if I can move in with them. I feel like if they know the thought is stressing me out, and they have the ability, they will offer. At this point, I feel like living in my car, would feel safer, at least emotionally.

I just want a job and a place of my own. I hate that I have to depend on people to help me out. I like being independent. Maybe God is trying to show me something, but I really don’t want to be living in a negative environment either. I really need a positive place to lay my head. I’ve been praying about it a lot. My friend M, suggested just asking someone, because they may not know or understand, to what point my stress is. I’m sure they don’t. I haven’t explained it to anyone. I’m not sure why, I just can’t seem to put it into words. I’m afraid of what they will say. Or how they will react, I guess.

I hate when I get to this point of wanting to cut. I usually get a sensation on my arm, where I usually cut. I don’t know how to describe it really. Unless you have been to this point, you probably wouldn’t know what I was talking about. I get this sensation and can picture the razor blade or knife running across my arm. I can picture the warm blood oozing out. I love that part. I love the pain too. It makes me feel real. It takes the pain from the inside and puts it on the outside. It makes things feel more realistic. The thing about this sensation, is that it doesn’t go away until I cut again. I can’t do that right now because I’m living with other people. The frustrating part is when I feel this way and can’t do anything about it. 

Well there is nothing I can do about it now…

Devin

Quiet House…

Last night I met Wyatt’s temporary family at the park. As soon as I started putting his stuff in the car, I could tell he knew something was going on. He started panting a lot. We took one last walk before heading out to the park. We decided to meet at a park so Wyatt wouldn’t be on his own turf. They were coming down this way for the day so decided to pick Wyatt up on the way back home. My pastor pointed out that this would be good because then they would be taking him, instead of me leaving him at his new home. It would be a little less like I was abandoning him. I also was thinking about it while I was waiting for them to show up, and realized this is also good because he won’t have any associations with me and the new home.

J and L live about 2 1/2 hrs from where I will be living. I was really nervous about how he would react to them and their dogs. He barked at J&L more then the dogs. J took the leash from me and started talking to him and trying to pet him. I realized that with me in the picture it was making things difficult, so I stepped back behind a rock and hid out of view. Wyatt started to settle down a little bit. By the end of the meet and greet though, Wyatt had bit J at least twice, maybe three times. I apologized for him getting bit, and he said, “that’s OK, he’s just scared.” I now believe Wyatt is in a good place. I know they will take care of him and do their best to make him feel comfortable. This might also help his socialization skills once he gets settled. It will help him as far as being around a couple other dogs for awhile, and people too.

As I was typing this, I wonder if God feels about me, as I feel about Wyatt. I love Wyatt so much and I want whats best for him. Obviously in Wyatt’s situation, he has to go away for a little bit because of my situation. But in relating it to God, I feel like I love Wyatt and want whats best. I can explain that to him but he doesn’t understand that things will be OK, even though I know that in the future he will come live with me again. He might feel a little (or a lot) like I’ve abandoned him. I wish I could explain it to him and he would understand, but he doesn’t. I think about him all the time and wonder how he’s getting along. Obviously its not exactly like that with God, because He CAN see how I’m getting along, but maybe on some level its like that. I would like to think that HE loves me SO much more then I love Wyatt. I wonder if God wishes I could understand what He is doing in my life, as He knows what is best, but I don’t always see that. Anyways these are just some thoughts that I’m trying to get out. I feel like I’m kind of going in circles trying to explain it, so will stop now. I think I need to think about it for awhile.

Love & Peace
Devin

Cry Out For Young People…

So I am literally sitting here and crying for the young people of this time. Last night, I was avoiding going to bed. I was messing around on YouTube and happened onto a Lady Gaga video. Its graphic and could be a trigger, so be careful if you watch it. One girl commented to the video that it was a trigger for her. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5ZnHssq4Fs So, I made a comment on Facebook about it, which follows….

I am really concerned for the young people, especially women of this age. Last night while I was avoiding going to bed, I was on YouTube. I happened upon a Lady Gaga video…Swine SXSW Festival Doritos. Basically Lady Gaga did a performance where another woman drank some neon green liquid, then while Lady Gaga was singing, the woman stuck her fingers down her throat and vomited on Lady Gaga. People actually accept this and applaud it. I don’t understand how people think this is OK. I also don’t understand that concept of being that type of role model. I seriously want to cry for what society is doing to the young people. I wish there was a way to fight for the girls of this time, and get them away from this crap… 

I want to fight for the young people of today but wouldn’t know where to start. I don’t have any type of background in that type of thing. A lot of times I’ll get ideas of things to fight for but don’t know where to begin, so don’t. I will feel passionate about something at first and then it goes a way. I sent a message to a popular radio person and asked her what she thought. She said that you love people, one person at a time. That you take some kids/teens to a good movie and then talk about it afterwards. Or cheer them on at school events. And you LISTEN to them when they talk. Since I don’t have kids, I’m not connected to the school system, so how do I start? Maybe its something similar to Big Brothers, Big Sisters type of thing. I don’t know. I guess I need to consider this more and try to figure it out.

Any thoughts are appreciated…

Love & Peace
Devin

Progress

So today, my Aunt K called to see if I would be interested in meeting up next week. We are trying to get together at least once a month. We used to hang out all the time, but then I worked for the company where I was oncall 24/7 and it was just hard to get together. So starting last month, we are trying to spend more time together. So we talked a bit about what we could do next week. She then made the comment that they would be coming back from the beach house on Monday. I used this as an opportunity; and told her I felt hurt that I wasn’t invited. I explained that right now with everything going on, its nice to feel like I’m wanted. She said that she was trying NOT to hurt my feelings, by inviting me when she knew I probably wouldn’t be able to come. And she said she was sorry.

This is big progress. I am learning how to let people know how I feel, in a healthy way. In the past, I wouldn’t have said anything, most likely. I would have just stewed about it for awhile, and then would probably have waited awhile, before hanging out again. Or I’ve sent emails in the past, that maybe sounded offensive. I’ve not done that as much, but there were a few. So I’m getting there. I’m slowly learning how to stand up for myself, in the right way.

Love & Peace,Devin

Feeling Left Out

Every year about this time, my extended family, rents a beach house somewhere on the Oregon Coast. I always look forward to these times because I get to spend time with family, plus go to the beach and take a lot of pictures. These are both relaxing to me. So tonight, I got a call from my Uncle W., asking if I’d like to come to the beach this weekend and they would pay my part. My G’Ma and G’Pa, had cancelled so they thought I might like to take their place. I made the comment that I hadn’t heard about The Beach Weekend, until now. He said that Aunt K., probably wanted to save me from feeling bad that I couldn’t go, since my circumstances aren’t the greatest. Deep down, I know he’s right, but that doesn’t mean it hurts less that I wasn’t invited. I’m kind of hoping he says something to her about the fact that I wasn’t invited. I am also, almost positive this is probably the same reason I didn’t hear about a beach weekend last year. I thought maybe they just didn’t have it, but it was probably the same reason. Last year I was working but work was part time and I would have had to find boarding for Wyatt.

I’m just so tired of my circumstances being in the mud. I’m tired of having to turn things down because I can’t afford to go. I want to be included in things too. I want to go to the beach with someone just to hang out, but I don’t have anyone. It just sucks because if I had known ahead of time, I probably could have made arrangements, so that I could have gone. I just want someone to think of me and ask me to go along but no one does.

Just feeling lonely tonight…Devin

Climbing Back Up…

Today I am in a little better place. For the last few days, I’ve been going through the day barely making it. I would basically wake up sad and about to cry all day. I would cry off and on throughout the day and then cry myself to sleep at night. Then I would wake up in the morning feeling really sad and sometimes crying. Yesterday, I went to my friend D’s house. Being in her company, I totally relaxed. I let my guard down and got my mind refocusing. I ate supper there and by the time I went home, I was totally exhausted. I had been emotionally drained. This has happened a couple other times and I tease her that she drugs my food when I’m there. Really, its because I feel comfortable enough to totally relax in her presence. I got home and took Wyatt out. Then I started a movie, “The Pursuit of Happyness.” Wyatt though decided he wanted to go back outside, sooner then usual. So I took him out and then decided I was to tired to watch a movie. I got on Facebook briefly, then went to bed. Before allowing myself to go to sleep, I read some more in my Bible and the book I’m reading, “Let Hope In,” by Pete Wilson. Then I prayed. I’m trying to get back into this, since I was doing really well, right after being fired. Then I slacked off and am trying to get back into it. I laid down to go to sleep a little after 1030pm. Wyatt got me up at like 1am or so, to go out. I took him out and then went right back to sleep. Sometimes when he gets up in the night, it takes awhile to get back to sleep, but not last night. So today I woke up feeling a little tired still; my emotional well being is a lot better though. I still feel a little sadness because Wyatt will be going away on Saturday, but I’m not a bowl full of tears, like I was. So I’m not sure if its that I was at my friend’s, or read the Bible and prayed; but I’m pretty sure that it was both.

I feel like maybe I’m starting to climb back out of this pit…

Love & Peace,
Devin