Tag Archives: Smoking


I’m not sure if I mentioned that the first week into my therapy, I started smoking again. I’ve been smoking American Spirits (which are the “healthier” kind). They are also a bit more expensive then the Marlboro’s I used to smoke. I’ve been praying that God will show me when it’s time to quit, and give me the strength to do so. So tonight I went to buy some cigarettes. I figured in the long run, it would be cheaper to just buy a carton. It’s not. At least not where I bought them at. Anyway, where I bought them at, they are $64 for a carton. That’s a lot of money, when you don’t have much to begin with. I had exactly $64 in cash. I went ahead and bought them. Then as I was driving home, I started calculating how much it was costing me to smoke. Due to my stress and addiction, I’ve been smoking anywhere between 7-10 a day. That is half a pack if I round up to 10 cigarettes. After I got home, these are the numbers I came up with. I just rounded it to 10 a day to make it easier. The numbers are below…

Carton    = $64.00
Pack       = $6.40
Pack       = 20 Cigarettes
Cigarette = $0.32 each
Day x10  = $3.20/day
Week      = $22.40
Month     = $89.60
Year        = $1,075.20

Now some places I’ve bought cigarettes at, they cost $7.25 or so. That’s the one price I remember that was over $7. That puts the yearly price at $1,218. That’s almost a pay check right there.

So now my prayer has changed. My prayer now is for God to help me quit by the end of this carton of cigarettes. There have been times that I will be smoking a cigarette and when I get half done, I’m ready to be done for that time. There are also times where I smoke most of it but not quite all of it. I feel like God is helping me to wean off of them. I have also noticed that they aren’t helping as much as I felt they were in the beginning. My anxiety is still there, and I don’t even get the head rush I used to get. Sometimes, I feel like they burn my throat, at which point I put it out. This is usually about half way down the cigarette. I really want to cut back to 5 a day. I know this is going to be very hard to do. I need to get some suckers to help me, so that is something I can do tomorrow.

Smoking is a constant battle for me. The other part of my prayer is that I can be done smoking, permanently after I quit this time.

Love & Peace


I is for…INSOMNIA!

Last night was a night of insomnia. First I didn’t feel like going to bed early (which I’m trying to get in the habit of), then when I did go to bed, I couldn’t sleep. One reason was because my brain was going, and the other reason is because I kept coughing. I had been asked to come in at 10 am today, to cover the last half of a shift for a coworker. When she called me yesterday, she sounded horrible on the phone. I couldn’t figure out why she only wanted me to cover half her shift. Today though, I was very thankful that she only wanted half her shift covered. Had she wanted me to cover the whole shift, I would have only gotten a couple hours of sleep. After work, we had a work meeting, so I didn’t get out of there until about 330 pm. While we were sitting in the meeting, I felt like the sandman had visited. I started to feel really tired. After work though, I had to go to the pharmacy and had a couple glitches, that took a bit longer then I had expected. By the time I got home it was WAY to late to take a nap. So now I am sitting here, trying to stay awake for just a bit longer. I am thinking I will go enjoy my LAST cigarette, and then start heading to bed.

So last night, I had cravings for about two hours, and said screw it, and went and bought a pack of smokes. I had gone to get the rest of the prescriptions I needed yesterday and had hoped to pick up the nicotine patches my doctor prescribed. The pharmacy said they were out, and would have more today. When I went in there, I found out, they actually aren’t caring the dose I was prescribed. They went and pulled them off the shelf in the store, and I got them that way. Then I had to pay out of pocket for the tessalon perles, for my cough because Oregon Health Plan wouldn’t cover them again, until the 18th. Ummm…I’m coughing NOW! Anyway they were only $14.99 (or so), and then I had a pharmacy discount card which brought them down to $10 something. Anyway back to my original point, I am starting the patch tomorrow. I bought a pack of smokes, the type that some coworkers smoke and gave the rest to them. I save two out for this evening. After the last one I am DONE smoking, and can start with the patch tomorrow, to help with my cravings.

I am hoping that since i am SO tired, and after I take a warm shower or bath (haven’t decided which yet), that I will be able to sleep all night. If I take the tessalon perles, that should help with my coughing.


Not An “A to Z Blogging Challenge,” Post

I had a great idea for a post yesterday, but had worked the night before, so didn’t have the energy to try and figure it out. I didn’t really have a post figured out for H yet. Anyway, that is OK. I’m throwing that to the wind today.

I just talked to my mom on the phone, and found out that my 16 yr-old brother J, has Juvenile Arthritis. He was having really bad joint pain, and his doctor couldn’t figure out what was going on. J went to a Rheumatologist yesterday. He has to go the children’s hospital once a month, to check up on his meds. My mom said he also has to learn to give himself a shot, so he can give himself the shot he needs. I’m not sure if there is also oral medications, or not. So now I am going to go and do research on this topic, so I can know as much as I can about it. That’s what I do. I did it with my diagnoses of mental health issues. It’s like I have to know all these things. It really sucks though because I am in Oregon, and he is in Wisconsin. I don’t have the money to go see him. I mean it’s not like he is dying or anything, but I wish I could be there to support him.

The thing about this that REALLY frustrates me, is that I have been yearning to go to WI and visit, for a couple of months now. I was thinking it would be cool to go in October, for my birthday. I am not working, even part time right now, so it’s not in the budget. I brought it up to my mom, that I thought it would be cool to come visit for my birthday, and she reminded me that next May, J will be graduating from high school. I obviously want to be there for his graduation, so need to wait on the trip there. It’s frustrating though, because it is still in my heart to go in October. I don’t know why, but it is, and strong. There is nothing I can do about it. My fear is that I won’t have the money in May and I really don’t want to have to have my parents pay for my ticket, now that they will be having to deal with the medication and appointments for J. I just want a job that doesn’t stress me out, that gives me good hours, so that I can afford to pay for my own things. The other option is finding a sugar momma or daddy by then, but then I wouldn’t be in it for the love and that’s what I would want it to be about. If there is even such a thing as LOVE.

In other news, I went to my doctor today because I am still coughing. Even though I’ve already quit smoking, she prescribed me nicotene patches to help with the cravings. The pharmacy was out today though, so I will get them tomorrow. She also gave me a flier for Quit For Life Program, Free & Clear. She said that Oregon Health Plans wants people who are quitting to sign up for that, which is actually good because they have some good resources and coaches, etc. So it might help. I’ve been craving a smoke for awhile now. Anyway, the craving was so strong that I wanted to go up the road and buy a pack. Instead I called them. I got signed up there and just have to wait for my things in the mail. They are sending me patches too. My craving was kind of going away and then I talked to my mom and the craving is full force again. The gum isn’t helping.

While I’m talking about not smoking, I should be honest and tell you that I had one Sunday, Monday and bummed one from a coworker when I worked the night shift Tuesday night. I didn’t have any yesterday or today.

That is all!


Wow, it’s been an emotional roller coaster the last couple of days. It took me awhile to get to sleep last night, so I slept in late this morning. Then I woke up, still very emotional and depressed. I didn’t feel like doing anything. Then my aunt, came in and talked to me about some stuff that she was planning for the day. Then she went back to the other room for awhile. Then probably not quite a half hour later she came back, and asked if I wanted to go with her. My brain went through a really quick process of, “no, I just really want to sit here and do nothing.” To saying, “yeah, let me take a quick shower and I’ll go with you.” My mind was thinking, maybe that will help me get out of this funk. So I went with her, and feel a bit better now. I still don’t feel like doing to much and am going to relax the rest of the day. Then tomorrow I can tackle the hours I need to do this week.

I also canceled my appointment with my counselor and am just doing a phone call with my pastor this week. Just not feeling up to doing much, though I am going to go to my friend D’s house, later this week. We haven’t spent a lot of time together in a LOOOONG time, so this will be really nice.

Today I bought some gum and Mentos to help with the cravings. I am hoping this will help me. Last night after church I really wanted a cigarette, so smoked one when I got home. I smoked my last one about 5 minutes ago. They are gone, which takes away that temptation. Now any cravings will have to be fixed with gum, Mentos or sunflower seeds.

Climbing UP the Mountain!

Nicotine Free!

So today I am nicotine free. I have two cigarettes left, but woke up this morning and felt like I didn’t need to finish my pack. So I didn’t go have any this morning. I’m not really craving it too much, though I am sweating it up a storm. On top of quitting smoking, my body decided it was also time for my monthly time of joy, so I also had major cramps this morning. I got up and had breakfast and then ended up going back to bed for awhile. I have church this evening. If it wasn’t for Easter Sunday, I would probably stay home. I am an emotional wreck today and don’t feel like going anywhere. I do want an Easter Service though, so am going regardless of how I feel. Maybe I will feel better afterwards.

That is all!


In my time zone, I still have 50 minutes to get my D blog in, so I’m going for it.

D is for Distressing. I worked the 2 pm to 10 pm shift tonight. It stunk! The girl who was on as manager tonight is not a nice person. Oh she’s very nice to her buddies, but to me she’s not. She made tonight horrible, and I am very thankful that I don’t work this shift all the time. Then when I only had three hours left and was sort of holding things together, I went into one residents room. M started talking about Easter and what it means, which led to a conversation about different denominations. It was a good conversation though, so I was OK with it. He never at all said that one denomination is better then another, which is good. Anyway as I was getting ready to leave, I took his hand, and he just started praying for me and my life. I wasn’t expecting this, and it of course made it harder to hold things together. I made it out of there, and through the rest of the evening, though there were a few other times, where I almost lost it. Then night shift came in and the night manager is really nice.S told me that H shouldn’t talk to me or treat me the way she does. She suggested that I talk to head administration about it. I haven’t fully decided what I’m going to do yet, but am considering it. I guess there have been some other issues with this person too. I just hate having to be a whistle blower and really just want a job where I can, just chill out for once. My last job I got someone fired because he was being inappropriate to me. Thankfully, for me, it was his third offense, so they sent him on his way. I’m just tired of being the one who has to stand up to people all the time. I mean it’s either stand up about this or just deal with it, and go home crying every time I work with her. This isn’t the first time she has treated me this way. So anyway, when S was talking to me, I almost broke down, but barely held it together. Then I made it to my car and let it go. I’m home now, showered and ready for bed.

On another note, I have two cigarettes left in my pack. Tomorrow, after I smoke them, I am quitting. My cough is getting a lot worse. I went to my doctor a week, or two weeks ago (I can’t remember). She gave me an inhaler, and some cough pearls, and more sudafed (the good kind). Nothing seems to be doing much. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with smoking. I had issues last time I smoked, where I was waking up in the middle of the night wheezing. I was hoping that it was because I was smoking menthol cigarettes at the time. I was hoping that I could get away with smoking this time. Evidently not! Anyway, so I’m going to quit. Now I know, I just can’t smoke. In the long run, this is good. I just feel like I need a vice but it can’t be smoking. I know, I know…exercise! I hate exercise!!! Unless I’m walking my dog, who I don’t have right now, or walking/exercising, with someone else.

Sometimes, life really stinks!

It’s Bedtime!

Now that I’ve been in bed for 45 minutes, I thought of something to write. I was thinking back over the day, and remember something that really gets under my skin. If I don’t write it out, I won’t be able to sleep. One of the residents at my facility, is pretty much mean to everyone, at least all of us caregivers. She will talk with her table mates but otherwise sticks to herself. So at lunch today, while we were serving drinks, I asked her what she wanted, and she told me. At each setting place, there are two glasses (different sizes) and a cup for coffee. Most residents will turn over and specify which cups/glasses, they want their drink in. This resident didn’t do that. I asked her which cup she wanted me to put her drink in. It was like a bother to her that she would need to tell me which glass. She handed me a glass, sighed loudly and said, “stupid!” under her breathe. I took the glass, bit my tongue and went to get her drink. My coworker B, said, “just smile at her, that’s what I do.” Yeah I’ve been doing that ever since I started here. This resident also has a fit if we don’t fill the glass right to, below the rim. When getting her cereal, if I ask her how much milk, she will scowl and glare at me. So I don’t ask anymore. One day I was walking down the hall and passed her. I noticed she had a book on her walker by one of my favorite authors. I commented, “Oh I love her! She’s an awesome author.” To which I got a glare, scowl and shake of the head. Then this resident just kept walking. I was just trying to be nice and make conversation with her. Most residents even if they hate the world, are usually a little nice if I try to make nice conversation with them, but not her. Anyway, it pisses me off that she is allowed to treat people this way. Maybe it’s because she called me stupid for asking her which cup she wanted me to fill, which excuse me, does not make me stupid! I wanted to be like, “excuse me? I don’t help those who treat me that way!” But for fear of making a scene and getting in trouble, I held my tongue. I’ve dealt this way a lot in my life situations. I’m always afraid of making a scene, even in really hard situations, that shouldn’t be happening. This is minor compared to those. I think this pisses me off even more today, because she called me stupid. I know I’m not stupid, but being called that most of my life, it brings up flashbacks from my childhood. Which pisses me off even more.

We also lost one of my favorite residents yesterday. It was her time to go. I’ve gotten used to people passing on, as usually they are in a lot of pain, and I know they are in a better place. This woman though was really sweet and would joke with us all the time. She had fallen and I guess went downhill. She was moved to the rehab side but we all thought she would be coming back to our side soon. It was sudden and unexpected. The other thing that was weird is that on Monday, I was just asking the med aide, if she knew how this woman was doing. And then that afternoon/evening, she passed away. Why was I suddenly thinking about her specifically that day?

Maybe it’s because all of this happened at once, that I am feeling extra emotional about it. I’m not sure. I just had to write it to get it out of my head. Now I need a smoke break and then maybe I can sleep. Here’s to hoping my aunt and uncle are back in bed (they are home again), and don’t come out of there room. It’s not been confirmed whether they know I’m smoking again, and I’m still a bit paranoid about what their reaction will be when and if it gets confirmed.

Here’s to hoping sleep comes fast!