Tag Archives: Anger

Still Alive…

Hello,

I just wanted everyone to know that I am still alive. I have been in a place I haven’t been in a long time. Very depressed and with no interests whatsoever. At least before I was hospitalized, I was still interested in posting and stuff, but even that has gone away. I will try to post every so often until I get out of this slump.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Devin

Boundaries

I mentioned in a previous post, how my brakes got changed over the weekend. Here’s another part to that story. So on Friday, I was supposed to go do some make-up hours for my aunt and uncle. I owe them 47 hours. Some of that time was because I was sick (mentally) and then in the hospital. They are still expecting me to owe them for that time, which on one hand I understand. The other hand, if it were my niece things would be different. Of course I’m more understanding of people then they are. It’s the way they go about it, that pisses me off. For Friday’s plans, I canceled.  It’s a 45 minute drive to get there from my place. I didn’t feel safe driving there with my brakes being as they were. The email I got in return from my aunt was to tell me how much it inconvenienced her and my uncle that I couldn’t come and clean. As if I could help my brakes going out. Or that I was just canceling to sit around and be lazy. I rescheduled for Monday.Then as of Saturday, I hadn’t heard from D yet, so figured he was busy and I went ahead and canceled for Monday. The next day I would be available was Thursday. I told my aunt I could come then. She said that wouldn’t work for them, and neither would the weekends. There is really no reason why any of those days wouldn’t work. She’s home all day unless they are dancing but that’s usually in the evening. Since I lived there a year, there was no reason why I would even need to bother her. Then on Sunday, D WAS able to fix my brakes. I very well could have gone Monday, but I was so overstimulated by the large crowd on Sunday, and know that I had therapy for two days after that, I chose to not say anything about it, and stayed home to relax. I need to take care of myself, and that comes first. Then tonight I was talking to my friend M, and she suggested sending an email to my aunt and uncle saying that right now I need to focus on the rest of my therapy and then finding a job. Once I do those things, we can regroup and discuss when and how I can pay them back for the hours I owe. I went with it. I sent the email already and am interested in seeing the response I get. M also suggested that once I get a job, I could pay them back in cash or part cash, so I wouldn’t owe them so many hours. I’m thinking I may do that also.

So that is the rest of the story. I have to blog about it because it makes me mad, angry and frustrated. I am learning on setting boundaries and this is one huge one that is very hard to set. I shouldn’t have to be worrying about it right now. I’ve got my own SHIT to work on, and that is top priority right now.

Devin

To My Mother >>>Trigger Warning<<<

To My Mother,

I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.

I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!

Devin

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) >>>Trigger Warning<<<

Yikes! CBT was a huge trigger for me again today. At the beginning, we did a meditation. I was doing OK with it and then self harm thoughts started to creep in. After meditation, I just felt more and more triggered. We weren’t even talking about anything triggering. I’m thinking that part of it was anticipation of feelings, since last week I got triggered. Finally I said something about it. The instructor, S, asked me if I was sad. I felt a little sad but once she asked, it was like any energy I had left, to keep myself together, left. It just drained out, I could feel it. S kept prodding and my mother stuff came up again. The things she called and said to me. No parent should ever talk to their child like that. It really fucks them up!

Now at age 31, I am learning how to grieve for what I didn’t receive as a child. I am having to grieve that I grew up to fast and had to be the adult. I have to grieve the fact that, I had to take care of my mother’s feelings, more then she even thought about mine. I am learning that it is OK to grieve these things, and is actually better for me, if I do. I’m not sure how to grieve it though. How to just let it out. I’m so afraid of opening that dam up. What if after I do, I can’t gain control of it. I am SO afraid of loosing control. On one hand I’m afraid of it, and on the other, I want it! But so far I’ve been able to hold it together. I wish I could get angry and break things and let go, but something keeps me from doing it. One of the other group members left early today, because she had lost control. I was actually envious of her because I can’t do that, not in front of people anyway. And sometimes I don’t even let myself when I’m alone. I just so afraid of it!

So now it’s time for another post, to my mother. Coming up next!

Devin

Hard Day!

This morning was really good, but the afternoon was hard. In our CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) group, we talked about Automatic Negative Thoughts and switching them around. I talked about how my theory is that once everyone gets to know me, they won’t like me. I have always felt this way and had this fear. I shared this as a generalization thought. Then another woman J, was talking about feeling like a burden to her family, and the word projection came up. S, the therapist asked if J was projecting that onto her family, and then talked about that. Some how the realization came to me, that my mother must have been projecting her insecurities onto me. I still don’t understand how someone can use their insecurities to abuse others, because I would never do that, so can’t understand it. I do, however, feel like it’s a break through and maybe I AM actually working through some of this crap. I was very thankful for a couple of good therapists, and my friend C. who were there for me. After I got home, I was so emotionally drained, I had to take a cat nap. Now it’s time to start working on some packing things.

Love & Peace
Devin

Angry At God…

I am feeling pretty angry at God lately. I am angry that He allowed me to have a mother who hated me. I am angry that He allowed me to have BPD, Depression, Anxiety, and other mental issues. I am angry that He allowed me to get a job that I am not getting hours at. Which means I need to find something else. I am angry that I had to live with an aunt and uncle who don’t like animals, so I had to have someone else care for my dog. I am angry that I am so stressed and depressed, I can’t look for another job. I am angry that I don’t have a clue as to what I want to do with my life. I want to be an author but am not motivated to figure out how to publish my books. I am angry that because of how I was raised and other people that have been in my life, I have such low self-esteem that I can’t believe that I am any good or worth anything good. I am angry that God won’t heal me. I know it takes time, but I’m sick of time. I’m sick of trying my best, which is never good enough for anyone else. And it’s not good enough for me either. I should be out there tackling the world, and I don’t know how. I’m just angry that God doesn’t show Him self in an obvious way so that I know He is there. I know there are little things and I see them once in awhile, but right now I need to see Him, because I don’t feel like there is any other hope. I’M ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY!!!

Devin

Not An “A to Z Blogging Challenge,” Post

I had a great idea for a post yesterday, but had worked the night before, so didn’t have the energy to try and figure it out. I didn’t really have a post figured out for H yet. Anyway, that is OK. I’m throwing that to the wind today.

I just talked to my mom on the phone, and found out that my 16 yr-old brother J, has Juvenile Arthritis. He was having really bad joint pain, and his doctor couldn’t figure out what was going on. J went to a Rheumatologist yesterday. He has to go the children’s hospital once a month, to check up on his meds. My mom said he also has to learn to give himself a shot, so he can give himself the shot he needs. I’m not sure if there is also oral medications, or not. So now I am going to go and do research on this topic, so I can know as much as I can about it. That’s what I do. I did it with my diagnoses of mental health issues. It’s like I have to know all these things. It really sucks though because I am in Oregon, and he is in Wisconsin. I don’t have the money to go see him. I mean it’s not like he is dying or anything, but I wish I could be there to support him.

The thing about this that REALLY frustrates me, is that I have been yearning to go to WI and visit, for a couple of months now. I was thinking it would be cool to go in October, for my birthday. I am not working, even part time right now, so it’s not in the budget. I brought it up to my mom, that I thought it would be cool to come visit for my birthday, and she reminded me that next May, J will be graduating from high school. I obviously want to be there for his graduation, so need to wait on the trip there. It’s frustrating though, because it is still in my heart to go in October. I don’t know why, but it is, and strong. There is nothing I can do about it. My fear is that I won’t have the money in May and I really don’t want to have to have my parents pay for my ticket, now that they will be having to deal with the medication and appointments for J. I just want a job that doesn’t stress me out, that gives me good hours, so that I can afford to pay for my own things. The other option is finding a sugar momma or daddy by then, but then I wouldn’t be in it for the love and that’s what I would want it to be about. If there is even such a thing as LOVE.

In other news, I went to my doctor today because I am still coughing. Even though I’ve already quit smoking, she prescribed me nicotene patches to help with the cravings. The pharmacy was out today though, so I will get them tomorrow. She also gave me a flier for Quit For Life Program, Free & Clear. She said that Oregon Health Plans wants people who are quitting to sign up for that, which is actually good because they have some good resources and coaches, etc. So it might help. I’ve been craving a smoke for awhile now. Anyway, the craving was so strong that I wanted to go up the road and buy a pack. Instead I called them. I got signed up there and just have to wait for my things in the mail. They are sending me patches too. My craving was kind of going away and then I talked to my mom and the craving is full force again. The gum isn’t helping.

While I’m talking about not smoking, I should be honest and tell you that I had one Sunday, Monday and bummed one from a coworker when I worked the night shift Tuesday night. I didn’t have any yesterday or today.

That is all!
Devin