Awake is what I want to be. After writing my blog last night, Bedtime, I was able to go pretty much go right to sleep. I ended up having a horrible nightmare that awoke me somewhere in the middle of the night. I don’t remember the time. I had a dream, that my dad and one of my brothers (it wasn’t clear which one) were in a horrible accident. I was driving an ambulance right behind them. There was also another ambulance behind me. I’m not sure why I was driving an ambulance because I’ve never done this in real life. Anyways, after that the dream is too complicated to try and describe. I don’t know if I actually screamed or was just about to scream when I woke up, but I felt it in my throat when I awoke. I immediately started crying, and cried for awhile. I was finally able to go back to sleep for awhile and woke up around 7 am or so. After doing my morning routine and eating breakfast, about 8 am, I decided to take a nap in my recliner. I slept for about 3 hours but had really strange dreams the whole time. Now I’m physically awake but I feel really tired, and that emotional hang over after crying a lot. I know that I really need to do a couple of hours of work for my rent today, but I just don’t feel like it. I really just want to do nothing. I feel like I’m going into another depressive slope, and I am hoping that it will be short and minor, this time.
I have decided that I am going to participate in the A to Z Blogging Challenge. Today is A, so I chose Awake as my word. I signed up on the list but forgot to put the AC for adult content, so they may delete me off the list. If they do, I will continue to just do it on my own. It’s free and sounds fun, so thought I would participate.
That is all for today!
I’m not sure at which point I should start this post. I’m not sure which came first, the egg or the chicken? The dream or the depression? I have weird dreams a lot. Ones where I wake up with major anxiety or depression. I’ve been down a lot lately. The last couple of days, I woke up with headaches. Last night I had another weird dream. I woke up really depressed and not caring, today. I’m not sure, really how to explain the dream. I was with a group of people and writing a note to a friend across the room. One girl (who was from my childhood church) S, was there and told on me. The woman who came over wasn’t really a security officer but was something in that area…? S told her she was concerned that I was going to fail. Then the woman came over and talked to me, and she was actually crying about it. Then she walked out and came back. Then I got in an argument with S, and told her I didn’t trust her or her family. Then the Woman came over and hugged me. She was standing and I was sitting so I had my head on her stomach area. Then she told everyone in the group that they needed to support me. So people (it seems like they were all women), came up to me and started talking to me. I don’t remember anything else about it. I woke up depressed. All day I kept getting the same feeling, I get when someone is really concerned about me and sincerely ask me how I am. It’s kind of like a self-conscious, I’m-in-trouble, embarrassed feeling, but yet feels good in a way. I have no idea how to explain that feeling. Anyway the dream and that feeling has been bothering me all day and I needed to talk about it. Since I don’t, at the moment have someone I can explain it to in person, I thought I would post it. I wish there was a better way to explain it. I wish I had someone who would just hold me and cry for me, like that woman did. I just so badly want someone to just hold me, until I’m better. I’ve always needed that, and never really got it.
That is all!
Love & Peace
So this morning I had the worst possible dream ever. I dreamt, I had gone to visit the people working at the doggy daycare, I used to work at. I took Wyatt along with me. This is weird for starters, because he is not the friendliest dog. He is a chihuahua mix and definitely has their personality type. For some reason in my dream though he was fine. Which is also weird. So I went around and said hi to all the people I still knew there. During this time, Wyatt wasn’t with me. After visiting for a couple of hours, it was time to head out, so I went looking for Wyatt. I couldn’t find him anywhere. We were all looking but couldn’t find him. Then the one Dog Attendant N., was on the phone. When she got off the phone, she said that the vet thought a big Saint Bernard, Chancellor had eaten him. The leash was with the dog and they were going to take him in for an XRAY to find out. I of course started crying, and then woke up. I didn’t hear what the verdict was. When I woke up, I had a very heavy heart. I talked Wyatt into coming under the blankets for some cuddles before we got up, which helped a lot.
I’ve heard that your subconscious can come out in dreams. I do know that I have a fear of something happening to Wyatt. I don’t know what I would do without him. We are each others world, though I do have a world outside of the house and he doesn’t. I live to come back home to see him. He is also what keeps me sane. He keeps me on track, as I know I have to keep a job to keep a roof over our heads, and so forth. Not saying that I would plan on leaving my job now, but when I worked my old crappy job, I had to stick with it until I found another. I couldn’t just quit, like I’ve done at past jobs.
Now I’m feeling a little better, and it’s time to go and get ready for work.
Love & Peace