Don’t Know How I Feel…

I’m not even sure where to start on how I feel right now. I’m feeling discouraged about my job, and discouraged about myself. When I got my job in September, I really felt like God was leading me in that direction. I still don’t doubt that He put me in that job, but I’m wondering why. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not getting many hours. And I’m really irritated with most of the people there. The employees, that is; I love the residents. If I’m not going to be even making part time hours, then I need to find another job. I don’t know where that would be. I don’t know that I want to move on to another assisted living facility. I feel like I am back to square one, and stuck. I don’t know how to move on, again. I feel like I am always going to be in this stuck place. Because of my own limitations, I don’t know how to move on. I feel like only a couple people really understand how I am feeling. How I have no energy. And how the stress of the job, for me, isn’t the normal stress that someone without mental illness goes through. It goes beyond the next level and into the anxiety level of stress. The part where you really just want to scream, and curl up into a ball and cry. When I say my job stresses me out or the idea of working full time hours, stresses me out; people just don’t get it. They think I am being lazy or over exaggerating. They don’t know what that kind of stress is like. And I have had SO many people tell me, when I’m talking to them about my hours being cut at work, “well that’s not going to help you get out of your aunts.” Gee, really? You could have fooled me. I don’t need people to state the obvious. I’m not asking for you to tell me what I already know, I just want you to listen. It’s like telling me, smoking is bad for me, and will kill me. You think I don’t know that? And now that I’ve quit, AGAIN, I am feeling antsy and I really want a cigarette. I noticed the cravings are a lot worse at night. And I’ve been really missing my pup, Wyatt lately. I feel guilty that I can’t be with him. I feel guilty that he and I are both having to depend on other people. He needs to be back with me. I haven’t even been able to go see him, since i got this job. Either I don’t have the time or I don’t have the money.

Tired of being stuck,
Devin

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3 thoughts on “Don’t Know How I Feel…”

  1. Feeling stuck is so frustrating. I feel the same about ANY kind of work and think you’re doing well with what you’re already achieving. I find the secret is not to push myself too hard. Yes, there are those who scoff and some might even think I am lazy, but I know the truth, which is I just cannot cope with having too much on my plate. AND you’re also doing better than me with quitting the fags, I just had one….tut… but I refuse to feel bad about it, we have enough on our plates to feel bad about. Try look more towards all the good you’re doing for yourself and that sounds quite a lot from where I’m sitting 🙂

    1. Thanks. And the only reason I stopped smoking was because of the way it makes me cough. I just can’t smoke. Thank you for the encouragement and support. Maybe I need to write all the good things I’m doing for myself down in a list.

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