I was just told by my housemate that she was manic when she asked me live here. She is not making me move (YET) but definitely regrets it. I don’t hold it against her because i understand she was in a different state of mind. It does however hurt pretty bad. My aunt was constantly making comments that led me to believe she regretted having me move in too. She didn’t come right out and say it though. I just feel like I’m never going to be in a place where things are good. That things are always going to be a fuck-up for me. I’m tired of trying to make things better, it never works.
Today, I was nonfunctional. I woke up in a funk, and was in a funk most of the day. I talked to my friend and Pastor S this evening. That helped me to see things a little differently, though I’m still funky. S said that I need to figure out what my needs are so that I can figure out how to fulfill those needs. So now I’m thinking about that, and am hoping to come up with some ideas. Maybe I’ll post them when I do.
Now it’s time to watch a show and then head to bed.
A lot of times that I talk about the thoughts BPD causes, I will say MY BPD. I need to stop claiming it as mine. From now on I want to try and say that I’m being attacked by BPD or BPD thoughts.
Today I’m being attacked by these thoughts. There’s a little back story so I will put that first. While I was in the hospital, I meant someone pretty special. D, is a 38 yr old male. As soon as he was admitted I had a major crush on him. I never thought we would connect and hit it off so well. We both have our own issues to work on, so have talked about the next year. We have decided we will work on ourselves for a year and then see where we are. We will still be friends during this time. We will work on getting to know each other as friends, and see where it leads from there. We have both been in some pretty shitty relationships and want to do this one right. I don’t know how I will last a year, but it will probably go by faster, then I think it will, now.
So that brings me to those evil BPD thoughts. I talked to D last night, and then he had to go as his aunt was calling and it was long distance. He said he would call me right back but didn’t. Then this morning I called him before my group therapy started, and he answered and then said he had to make a quick phone call and would call me right back. He still hasn’t called me back. So the BPD thoughts attack hard. They tell me that he doesn’t really like me, or that I must have said or done something wrong. I try to attack the BPD thoughts back, by voicing reality. Reality is that he has a lot of crap going on in his life too. Reality is that he probably just got busy with things in his life. Reality is that it probably has nothing to do with me. He lives with his mom right now and is using her phone. Reality could be that he is unable to use her phone for awhile. There are a lot of different realities it could be. Most of them probably have absolutely nothing to do with me.
Reality is real. BPD thoughts are lies and falsehoods. They should not, under any circumstances, be believed. They are only trying to get in my head and tell me bad things about myself. These bad things are most likely NOT reality.
BPD EXIT MY MIND NOW!!!!
I am feeling pretty angry at God lately. I am angry that He allowed me to have a mother who hated me. I am angry that He allowed me to have BPD, Depression, Anxiety, and other mental issues. I am angry that He allowed me to get a job that I am not getting hours at. Which means I need to find something else. I am angry that I had to live with an aunt and uncle who don’t like animals, so I had to have someone else care for my dog. I am angry that I am so stressed and depressed, I can’t look for another job. I am angry that I don’t have a clue as to what I want to do with my life. I want to be an author but am not motivated to figure out how to publish my books. I am angry that because of how I was raised and other people that have been in my life, I have such low self-esteem that I can’t believe that I am any good or worth anything good. I am angry that God won’t heal me. I know it takes time, but I’m sick of time. I’m sick of trying my best, which is never good enough for anyone else. And it’s not good enough for me either. I should be out there tackling the world, and I don’t know how. I’m just angry that God doesn’t show Him self in an obvious way so that I know He is there. I know there are little things and I see them once in awhile, but right now I need to see Him, because I don’t feel like there is any other hope. I’M ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY!!!
I’m not even sure where to start on how I feel right now. I’m feeling discouraged about my job, and discouraged about myself. When I got my job in September, I really felt like God was leading me in that direction. I still don’t doubt that He put me in that job, but I’m wondering why. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not getting many hours. And I’m really irritated with most of the people there. The employees, that is; I love the residents. If I’m not going to be even making part time hours, then I need to find another job. I don’t know where that would be. I don’t know that I want to move on to another assisted living facility. I feel like I am back to square one, and stuck. I don’t know how to move on, again. I feel like I am always going to be in this stuck place. Because of my own limitations, I don’t know how to move on. I feel like only a couple people really understand how I am feeling. How I have no energy. And how the stress of the job, for me, isn’t the normal stress that someone without mental illness goes through. It goes beyond the next level and into the anxiety level of stress. The part where you really just want to scream, and curl up into a ball and cry. When I say my job stresses me out or the idea of working full time hours, stresses me out; people just don’t get it. They think I am being lazy or over exaggerating. They don’t know what that kind of stress is like. And I have had SO many people tell me, when I’m talking to them about my hours being cut at work, “well that’s not going to help you get out of your aunts.” Gee, really? You could have fooled me. I don’t need people to state the obvious. I’m not asking for you to tell me what I already know, I just want you to listen. It’s like telling me, smoking is bad for me, and will kill me. You think I don’t know that? And now that I’ve quit, AGAIN, I am feeling antsy and I really want a cigarette. I noticed the cravings are a lot worse at night. And I’ve been really missing my pup, Wyatt lately. I feel guilty that I can’t be with him. I feel guilty that he and I are both having to depend on other people. He needs to be back with me. I haven’t even been able to go see him, since i got this job. Either I don’t have the time or I don’t have the money.
Tired of being stuck,
I am getting really tired of these dark clouds and heavy weights that surround me, constantly. Last night I was reading in my Kindle before bed. The book, Alone by Lisa Gardner is a crime story. It’s a really good book and once I start reading it’s hard to put it down. So I have gotten to the part where the Cop Sniper is talking to his counselor about his childhood and abuse that had taken place. His story is different then mine, in a sense, but it was still a trigger for me. It didn’t trigger cutting or suicide but just made me feel really sad. Then last night, I woke up from a dream that had to do with my mom and abuse. I don’t remember anything else. I got up and went to the bathroom and was able to go back to sleep; but this morning I woke up really depressed. Lately I’ve been waking up depressed anyway, so I may have no matter what. I’m just tired of it. Of feeling like I can’t get rid of it. This morning I prayed and asked God to take it from me. It hasn’t left yet and I don’t know what I need to do, to do my part. I’m sure God has a lesson in this for me, but I am getting very inpatient. I just want to be released from this burden.
I have been feeling very sad and unwanted as of late. It’s felt like my aunt doesn’t want me here anymore. Then Saturday night it became even more obvious. I don’t have the money to move anywhere else. My hours at work have been short the last couple of months. Since I don’t know what the next few months look like, it’s best I stay where I’m at. I went and met with a guy last night about a room, but right now, I really don’t think I could hack it. Everything else was great. He was interesting and seemed like a good person. The apartment was nice. It would have been a little farther from work but not horrible. The price was just to much. I really feel like I’m stuck in another horrible situation. I am trying really hard to trust that it is in God’s time. It can be really hard though, with the tension and feelings of not being wanted here.
So tonight, I had to go pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. While I was in the store I wanted to get a few things. I decided to get some foot soaking fizzies and then got some heel repair stuff. So I watched Along Came Polly and soaked my feet. Then I put the heal repair stuff on. My feet feel really soft and relaxed now. I also got some face mask stuff. I am thinking I will put some on and then do a meditation for stress or anxiety, while I’m waiting for that to be done. I would have done it too, while I watched the movie, but I need my glasses for the movie.
So I am giving myself some self-love since my emotional part is needing to feel nurtured. I am worth it, and need to pamper myself once in awhile.
Love & Peace