NOT OK!

There is so much in my mind, I can’t put all here of what happened. All I know is that I am extremely depressed. This weekend was emotional and not a lot of sleep. Last night I took 2 Benadryl, which helped with the sleep. This morning, however, I woke up extremely depressed. I don’t feel suicidal or like I want to cut, but in a way I wish I could go to the hospital just so that I could check out for awhile. Things come with that, though, that I don’t want. 1)Medications. 2) Embarrassment. 3)Big Bills that I can’t pay. 4)I have to be able to file my unemployment claim and look for work, neither of which I can do at the hospital. I am so antsy and unsettled, that I need to get out of here. I really need to go to the beach or something. I’m going crazy, and am afraid that if something doesn’t change soon, the temptation of self harm will be there. I don’t want it to come back.

The other part is that where my brain is right now, I can’t pray or read my Bible. I am hoping that God can read my heart and will know what I need. Right now I can’t do it for myself.

Thanks for Listening.
Devin

I Just Feel LIke Crying

I got back a little while ago from visiting Wyatt. He was SO very excited to see me, and jumped up and down. We went for some good walks over the weekend. Not very long ones but long enough. We went farther Saturday noonish, but a big, black dog came out of one of the neighboring yards, just past the usual turn around point. Because of the dog bite I received last August, any large dog, unsupervised and barking, makes me nervous. The big dog came out but we had passed far enough that he didn’t follow. He stayed out in road for awhile, so we continued farther, hoping he would go back to his yard. Finally Wyatt wanted to cross the road, so we headed back. I started praying that God would send the dog home. I really didn’t want to have to deal with another big dog. Finally, I saw the dog go back towards his yard. Then when we got back to that area, I saw a black cat in the ditch on the other side of the road. So I’m not sure if it was the dog I was seeing the whole time or the cat too. My eyesight isn’t good from a distance, so I’m not sure. I did thank God though that the dog had gone away by the time we got back to the area.

So the weekend went fairly well. I got some great snuggles from Wyatt. He slept by me at night, which was nice. This morning, after taking my shower, I took everything out to the car. I let Wyatt come out with me so he could pee, as I wasn’t ready to leave yet. As soon as I opened the door to go out, he bee lined it to my car, like “OK, Mom! Lets go!” I put my stuff in the car and waited for him to explore a bit and do his business. Then we went back inside for a bit. I laid on the couch with Wyatt for a little bit and was feeling some anxiety so decided it was time to get it over with. I got ready and took Wyatt for another walk. Then when I came back in, talked for a little bit longer before leaving.

While I was sitting on the couch talking to J&L. Wyatt was sitting on my lap. I was petting him and then all of a sudden he jumped down and went over to J. J started giving him some pets. Wyatt was looking at me with this really sad expression in his eyes. I felt like since he went to J, it was a good time for me to go. I got up and petted Wyatt good bye. And then said my other good byes and left. I cried most of the way back to town, which is roughly an hour and a half drive. I kept picturing his sad eyes. I made a connection on the way back to town which was this. When I moved from WI to OR, my brother J was about 7 yrs old, and I was about 23. He had those same sad eyes, and I felt horrible for leaving him behind. I felt the same way today, when I left Wyatt.

I then went to my friend T&D’s house before church. It was good to have that distraction after leaving Wyatt. Then at 5pm, I went to church. There were quite a few times where I felt like I just wanted to cry during church. I also always enjoy singing but tonight just didn’t have the energy. I just listened to everyone else sing instead.

I got home a little before 9pm tonight. G&C were home and in their bedroom, doing some work on their laptop. I said hi and told them how my weekend was before taking my stuff to my room. I then went back to ask them how their weekend had been. G had been gone all week for work so I haven’t seen him in awhile. I went into their room and asked them if they were busy. C said, “Yes! But…” So I asked them how their weekends were and then said goodnight. I feel a lot like she is too busy for me to talk. I really just wanted to talk some. Not necessarily about specifics but I guess I just wanted some validation or something. I don’t really know what I wanted. I just feel kind of emotionally lost right now, and felt like I needed something….

L sent me a message and said that Wyatt did OK when I left. He whined a little but not much, and then went and sat on the couch where I had been sitting.

That is all for this post…

Love & Peace
Devin

Puppy Snuggles…Coming Up!!!

Tomorrow I get to drive the almost 2 hours to go see Wyatt with his temporary family (my extended family). This will be the first time I have seen him since he moved there. It has now been almost a month. I was going to go a lot sooner but some other stuff came up, and I wasn’t able too. I am so excited to finally be able to see him again. It sounds like he is doing well. Last I heard, he is getting along with the other dogs better and seems to be doing OK with the humans too. This is such a relief to me as I wasn’t sure how he would do. He gets overprotective of me with other dogs and people around, and I wasn’t sure how he would get along. I think out of his element and without me there, he has done well. It does make me a little nervous though, that he might get over protective once I’m back in the picture. If he does though, I’m going to put a stop to it. He needs to learn that even though I am his human, that is not OK.

Growing up, we always had dogs but they were mostly well behaved. We had one dog that would go to the neighbors and steal stuff. I remember one day he came home with a deer leg. This was a terrier, a smaller dog. He ended up getting shot by someone at some point too. Thankfully it was only a BB gun. The other dog we had issues with, chased motorized vehicles. We were never able to break him of the habit and he ended up getting hit. Other then that though, we didn’t have a lot of problems with dogs. So when I got Wyatt, I didn’t really know how to handle it. He had been a stray before he went to the shelter. I’m not sure how long he was in their care, but he was only a year when I got him. I don’t think he was a stray too long but I don’t know any of his history. When my ex and I got him, we were going to take him to training but never did. Then once I left her, I had always planned on taking him to training, but my job at the time was part time and I was barely making rent. Then I got the new job and figured once I had gotten things caught up again, I would take him. That job only lasted 6 months though, and that’s where I’m at now. I think that the people he is with now, know how to put a stop to any nonsense. I think Wyatt will have a better idea of the fact that he can’t dominate over them. When I get him back, I just need to be firm and consistent with things. Then I need to also socialize him more. I was always so afraid of what would happen, because of how he reacted, that I didn’t do that much and should have. I feel like I cheated him. I am hoping things can be turned around when I get him back. I know 99% of that is on me.

Anyway, I SO can’t wait to see him tomorrow. I know he’s going to go crazy when he sees me. And I can’t wait for him to snuggle next to me when I go to bed tomorrow night. I LOVE his puppy snuggles, so much!

Love & Peace
Devin

Filling You In…

Sorry its been so long since I posted. Been trying to get settled and keep my head on straight. On the 18th of March, all of my stuff was moved to where it’s being stored. I stayed with the people storing my stuff until Friday the 21st of March, when I moved to my aunt and uncles. And I’ve been here since. Its better then I thought it would be, but certain things are still hard.

Last Monday I had a job interview. It was a job at a residential working with autistic adults. I thought I would enjoy this type of work and could have seen myself doing this type of work. Today I finally called back, because I hadn’t heard anything. They got someone else to fill the position, but promised to call if anything else came up.

Now I’m discouraged again. I’m trying so hard to have the positive attitude and faith in God, but its just not enough. To make things worse I feel so alone right now. I had a good text conversation with Pastor D, but otherwise no one has said much about it. I finally told my aunt and uncle about it at dinner but they didn’t say much about it. G brought me a Guidepost magazine later with an article about confidence. Which I read and it made sense. G and I had a really good conversation last night after I came home, about the fact that I’m thinking about being a minister, faith, and addictions. It was nice talking to him about those things. I’ve talked to my aunt about a lot of those things in the past and it was nice to hear his thoughts too. After dinner, I was watching Netflix in the family room, and C. came down to get some snacks, and didn’t say a word to me. I was hoping she would ask me how I was doing. Right now I really just need someone to see how I am. I could use a hug too.

I really want my own place again. It is so hard feeling this way, when you live with other people. At my own place, I could just bawl and sob if I wanted too. No one would hear me. Here when I cry, I have to do it silently. Its really hard to get it all out, when you have to worry about being quiet. It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t so worried about crying in front of people, but I find it so embarrassing. I don’t want people to see my emotions. Sometimes I can’t keep it in, and it just comes out. But I try VERY hard to keep under control.

Also, if I had my own place I would have my pup again. He always gave me kisses and snuggles when I was sad. This was always comforting. That’s another thing. I miss him SO much! I am probably going to try and go see him in a couple of weekends. That will be good AND EMOTIONAL!

Well I think that is about all for now.

Love & Peace
Devin