This morning I am having anxiety chest pains. At least that’s what I think they are. I have them every once in awhile. Usually it’ll just be one and then go away. Today it’s coming and going. I’ve only had one major anxiety attack in my life. It felt like a heart attack. It was horrible! Today is my last day in therapy, and I believe that has a lot to do with it. Also, since it’s my last day, it means I have to tackle the job thing next week, which causes anxiety. I finally received an email from my aunt about when I can go pick up the rest of my stuff, and I think that is also causing anxiety.
So that is how I’m doing right now.
I’m feeling restless tonight. I’m not sure why. I was doing really well today. D contacted me again and today we hung out. It was a good day, with AWESOME company. Now I am in that restless mood, where I just don’t want to go to bed. I took my Trazodone already, and am just waiting for it to kick in. I’ve smoked more cigarettes then I should have today. And now I’m shoulding on myself. I had a cigarette before an hour long bath (or so), and then got out and needed another one. Then I felt kind of hungry, so I got some of the blueberries, I bought earlier today. Hopefully I’m tired enough to sleep when I’m done with them. My room is still chaotic, and I haven’t done anything with it yet. Also, I was supposed to go do some of the cleaning, I owe my aunt and uncle tomorrow, but my brakes are going out in my car and I really don’t want to drive 45 minutes with my brakes, being as they are. So I canceled. Maybe it’s just a lot of stuff, causing weird emotions. I am hoping that I will feel better in the morning.
Love & Peace
Ever since I went to the hospital, I’ve been having major anxiety. Now tonight, I’m on one of my eat a lot of chocolate, don’t go to bed until late, nights. I was having a lot of anxiety earlier and texted my pastor about it. She suggested writing down all the things that are causing anxiety and then write, what I want these things to be like. And then pray for each one. I did this and cried some. I also called my friend D and talked to her for awhile. Feeling a little better. Though I really don’t want to go to bed. Just don’t feel settled down. Last night I only got 5 hours of sleep. I need to head to bed in hopes of getting more sleep tonight.
Not even sure what to write, just know that I want too. I was playing Wizard 101, which is a role playing game online. But couldn’t sit through that anymore. I feel bored and restless. I’m tired but can’t go to bed quite yet. Am thinking about reading my Kindle but didn’t want to. And just don’t know what to do. I wrote my paragraph for my church’s newsletter that they wanted me to write. Not sure that it’s any good. Don’t really know how I feel or why. I just know I’m bored and restless. One of my guilty pleasures is a bowl of Chips Ahoy cookies crushed up with Rocky Road ice cream on top. I REALLY want a bowl now but my uncle is down stairs and I don’t him to see me make it up because I always feel like he is judging me. A lot of times when I cook and he’s in the kitchen, it feels like he is watching everything I do. I try to ignore it but I hate the feeling. So I try to avoid it if I can.
Question: Does anyone else ever feel like just screaming bloody murder for no reason? I don’t actually do it because I know it would freak people out, but sometimes I just want to. Like it’s right there in my throat wanting to come out. Then I wonder, what if some day, it just comes out and I can’t stop it? Sometimes I picture myself completely loosing control. It never happens, but what if it did? I guess it’s one of my fears.
I do this a lot when I’m stressed or dealing with anxiety/depression. I’m tired and know I need to go to bed, but I do whatever I can to avoid it. I’ll watch movies, surf the web, read, whatever to not go to bed. I’ve been dealing with the “lump-in-the-throat” feeling, A LOT lately. For like a couple of weeks. It comes and goes. It is mostly here when I am at home and some at work. If I’m with friends, it’s not there as much. I’m not with friends much though, and am usually at home or work. So I’ve been having it quite a bit.
Well I guess I need to pull myself to bed. Time to get my meditation for sleep going. That knocks me out once I actually get it started.
I NEED A NEW PLACE TO LIVE NOW!!!
Peace & Love
So for the last couple of days, I have felt like there is a lump in my throat. Upon doing research, I have found that a lot of things can cause this, but the biggest two things are, Acid Reflux and stress. I had read something awhile ago that anxiety can cause this and a choking feeling. In the past, I have had the choking feeling. I was with my ex then, so am pretty sure that was part of the reason for it. Now I have this lump-in-my-throat, feeling. It’s driving me crazy! I know I’ve been pretty depressed lately but haven’t really had many anxiety symptoms. I know that some of the stress is coming from my living situation and then I wasn’t getting many hours at work. So I don’t know if I’m now getting the anxiety too, or what. I just wish the sensation would go away and it is getting VERY annoying!
Love & Peace