Seven more days until the 16th! The 16th is a good day! My friend J is coming out from Texas, so we are meeting up for dinner. I have a counseling appointment with an awesome counselor. AND that is the end of the poetry contest I entered, so I should find out shortly after, that I won. I’m trying all the visualization stuff, people are always talking about. I am visualizing a check with $1000 dollars written on it in my name. I am picturing my poems in the magazine, as the winning person. I’m also praying that I win. It’s been a couple months since I’ve been working, and I could really use the money to pay some extra bills. I could also use the “being published” part. That way when I get my books finished, it will be easier to get an agent, so that I can publish my books. I know I could self-publish, and that’s good for those that do, but I feel like if my things are good enough to be published, then I should be payed to have it done, rather then having to pay for it myself. I also am not motivated enough to go through with self-publishing.
So seven more days until the day comes!!!
Love & Peace
Today, I’ve got a lot going on and I’m not quite half way done with my list. A lot of things going on around the house, then meeting with my pastor/friend, S. After I meet with S I have an interview at another assisted living facility. I was going to try to transfer to the facility, with same company I was working for, up near me, but they didn’t have any care-giving positions available. So I signed up for CNA classes but nothing has come about with those yet. Then my housemate met a woman that works at this other facility. C said she seemed really cool and flexible, so I called her today. I meet with her this afternoon, anytime after 3 pm. So I will head over there, after S’s. I will fill out an application and then meet with this other woman for an interview. Not sure if it’s the main interview or if it’s just kind of a meet and greet thing. Anyway, so I updated my resume and it’s ready to go with me.
Now it’s time to go do sweeping and mopping, and then I will be over half way done with my list. YAY!!!!
I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!
To My Mother,
I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.
I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!
I am on Oregon Health Plan (OHP), and so I had to wait for my counselor H to request more counseling appointments from OHP, before I can see her again. I called today to see if she had heard anything, and got her voicemail so left her a message. She later called me back, and right away asked if I was OK. I said yeah, I’ve just been really depressed. She said she could hear it in my voice. She said she hasn’t heard back from OHP and is just waiting for them. So I wait.
On my last blog, someone commented and asked me if I read “Jesus Calling.” As I was sitting here and listening to my Christian music while playing Wizard, I decided to look and see if it happened to be on my Kindle. I searched and found that it was, so read today’s devotion. I plan to add that to my daily devotions in the morning. The reason I didn’t know if it was on my Kindle or not, is because a friend gave me her old Kindle. One of the first versions. I haven’t explored everything on here yet. She has A LOT of books on here. And I can access her icloud too and download more, if I want. I just can’t buy anymore. Which is fine as there are plenty for me to weed through for now.
I haven’t taken a shower yet today and feel like I should go take a bath. Sometimes when I’m really depressed, I will take a bath instead because it feels like less work, and I can just sit there for awhile. Am thinking I will take my computer in and listen to some music while I’m in there too. Then I won’t hear my aunts noise in the next room, so much.
I am hoping that maybe after my bath, I will have some energy to organize my food. I had to start storing it in my room, and it’s still in bags and boxes and not on shelves yet. I was hoping to get it done today, but haven’t had any energy at all. Maybe after my bath I will feel a little different. If I feel up to it, I might also take a load of laundry down to the laundry room too. If not, I won’t worry about it. It wasn’t on my list, just something that could be done to make my room look a little cleaner.
I feel like maybe doing the above things might start to help bring me out of this pit. I am going to have to force myself to do them though.
So here goes nothing….
So today I brought my computer in, so I could show my blog to my counselor, H. I had H read my “Lies…” post. She had a few good points. Others have pointed this out in the past and I’m never sure how to answer it. I’m also never sure how to turn it around. One thing H asked me, was, “why is my self-worth dependent on what others think?” She compared it to if I had spinach in my teeth, and I asked her if I had spinach in my teeth and she lied and said no, would I then hate myself? And if she lied to me, how would that be dependent on my self-worth? There are a lot of reason’s as to why she could lie to me. Like maybe she didn’t feel comfortable telling me there was spinach in my teeth. Or maybe there wasn’t spinach in my teeth when she asked me. Or maybe she thought I looked good with spinach in my teeth. Anyway, I feel like that’s different, but don’t know how to explain how.
The other thing H pointed out was, “why do I hate myself so much and feel I’m worth that self hate?” This one I can’t figure out. I am not torturing animals or people. I’m trying to be good. I try to do my best at my job. I am good with people. I am trying to be closer to God and have a better relationship with Him. And if I’m trying to do my best, why do I hate myself so much? Why do I think I’m such a bad person? I’m not sure how to figure this one out. My mother was very abusive growing up and told me I was a worthless, failure, and worse; but that was in my past. I am better then what she made me believe. So why can’t I see myself that way? A week or more ago, I was searching online about ways of suicide. H asked me why I am worth suicide, if I’m not an evil person. I don’t know how to answer that. Sometimes I just really wish I could die. I wish that a car would come speeding around the bend and hit me when I’m on the road. I sometimes just don’t feel like I’m worth living. I don’t feel like anyone should love me. I feel like if everyone REALLY knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I think I’ve talked about this in past posts. I feel like I’m wearing a mask for everyone and that if I took off that mask, they would see how truly bad I am. I don’t know why I feel that way. I’ve told my deepest secret to both my pastor and counselor and they were very accepting of it. So why can’t I see what everyone else sees? I wish I could.
I know God is transforming me. I’m a lot farther then I used to be, at figuring these things out. I know it’s a process of life though, and it seems to take forever. Sometimes, I just feel very impatient.
Love & Peace
Sorry it’s been awhile again since I’ve written. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. About 2-3 weeks ago, I deactivated my Facebook account. I was feeling the need for a much required break. So I sent my info to a few people who I wanted to keep in contact with and posted that I would be leaving for a little while and then a week later, I deactivated my account. Not sure how long I will be gone, or if I will come back, but will play it by ear.
Last week was a rough one emotionally. We lost two residents at work and I am still getting used to the death part. It was the main reason I didn’t want to be a caregiver. I get way to attached too easily, and then have to hold myself together until I can get to a private place and let it out. I have always had a hard time with that. The two residents we lost, I wasn’t as close too, and I don’t know what is going to happen when one passes that I am close too. It’s going to be really hard!
I have been attending this mindfulness class at the same place, where my counseling is. This last Monday, our exercise was to meditate on a stressful situation and think about how we could step back and respond to it differently. At first I went through some stressful situations that didn’t really click. Then I came to one I thought I had dealt with. With everything going on, I felt really emotional and had a hard time holding it together. After the exercise, there was a big ball of emotion on my chest and I didn’t talk the whole class, for fear of loosing it. After class, I booked it to my car and cried on the way home. Then I got home and was still emotional and cried myself to sleep. Tuesday I had off from work, thankfully, and woke up still feeling emotional. I had called my friend M, and talked to her some but then she went into her stuff, so that didn’t help much. Then later in the day, I talked to my Pastor even though we had a time set to talk on Thursday. That helped a lot and I was able to get past the emotional part of the week.
I have also been missing Wyatt A LOT the last couple of weeks, which has added to my loneliness and emotional state.
Now I have today off and am doing a bunch of cleaning and then I work again tomorrow for 5 days in a row. I have hope that this coming week will be a much better one!
Love & Peace