Category Archives: Lonliness

Dreams & Depression

I’m not sure at which point I should start this post. I’m not sure which came first, the egg or the chicken? The dream or the depression? I have weird dreams a lot. Ones where I wake up with major anxiety or depression. I’ve been down a lot lately. The last couple of days, I woke up with headaches. Last night I had another weird dream. I woke up really depressed and not caring, today. I’m not sure, really how to explain the dream. I was with a group of people and writing a note to a friend across the room. One girl (who was from my childhood church) S, was there and told on me. The woman who came over wasn’t really a security officer but was something in that area…? S told her she was concerned that I was going to fail. Then the woman came over and talked to me, and she was actually crying about it. Then she walked out and came back. Then I got in an argument with S, and told her I didn’t trust her or her family. Then the Woman came over and hugged me. She was standing and I was sitting so I had my head on her stomach area. Then she told everyone in the group that they needed to support me. So people (it seems like they were all women), came up to me and started talking to me. I don’t remember anything else about it. I woke up depressed. All day I kept getting the same feeling, I get when someone is really concerned about me and sincerely ask me how I am. It’s kind of like a self-conscious, I’m-in-trouble, embarrassed feeling, but yet feels good in a way. I have no idea how to explain that feeling. Anyway the dream and that feeling has been bothering me all day and I needed to talk about it. Since I don’t, at the moment have someone I can explain it to in person, I thought I would post it. I wish there was a better way to explain it. I wish I had someone who would just hold me and cry for me, like that woman did. I just so badly want someone to just hold me, until I’m better. I’ve always needed that, and never really got it.

That is all!

Love & Peace
Devin

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Dani Thoughts Again

So I’ve been watching the last couple seasons of Friends on Netflix. I had the first 9 seasons on DVD and now it’s on Netflix so I can finish it there. I’ll still buy the last seasons, but for now this will work.

Anyway today I was watching the end of Season 9. One of the episodes was where Rachel was helping Joey practice his lines for Days of Our Lives. She told him to remember when he was in love, and let that help his reaction for how he was supposed to be in the show. He started describing to her about how when he loved her. One thing he said was that it was hard to see her, because he just wanted to kiss her. How it was hard being around her because of his feelings. I don’t remember word for word what he said, but it brought up a bunch of emotions about Dani. I can SO relate to what he was saying because that is how I felt about her. It was even harder to see her with her boyfriend. I think if we still hung out, I would still be feeling that way. Or if we were to start hanging out again. A lot of those feelings aren’t as strong because I don’t see her all the time, so I’m not constantly thinking about her. The feelings are obviously still there once she is in my head.

Then I start thinking about if I will EVER fall in love with someone who also loves me back. Right now it doesn’t seem possible. I don’t know if I could ever love someone like I loved her. We had such a great connection. I don’t know if that will ever happen again. I just feel so lonely sometimes. And I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I want to be with someone who loves me the same way I love them. I try to be patient that God has someone, somewhere for me. But sometimes it is really hard to see that.

Here’s to hoping!

Love & Peace
Devin