This morning I woke up with anxiety. I also woke up with only a half an hour to get ready. Thankfully, I had showered and made my lunch last night. All I had to do was get a breakfast ready. I made my breakfast to go. I left only about 5 minutes late. So I was still having anxiety and then on the way to work, I got tearful and I’m not sure exactly why. I know part of it was that I went into work last night to talk to HR and saw a lot of my residents. This made me miss them. I was also still concerned that D hadn’t called me back yet. As I arrived to the treatment center (I was my usual early, so on time), my pastor texted me that she was praying for me. I know she prays for me but she doesn’t usually text me. So that made me feel a little better. We texted back and forth for a bit, and then shortly after we finished, D called. I felt instant relief and we talked for about 15 minutes. We had our community group for 30 minutes and then went back to our regular group. This put me at about 0945 am. We were getting ready to check in and all of sudden I had a migraine. I asked to go first to get it out of the way. I explained how I was feeling, and then was able to just try to listen to everyone else. It was hard though because the fluorescent lights were bright, and my eyes were hurting. My stomach felt upset, and I finally got up to get a wet paper towel or something for my eyes. I went to the front desk and asked if they had any clothes, which they didn’t. Then my stomach was feeling more upset, so I went to the bathroom and made myself throw up. I don’t normally do that. I don’t normally have a migraine to this extent. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown up from a headache before. So the relief from the migraine went away, but the head achy, tired blah feeling was still there. So I went back to group and waited until break, at which time, I decided to go home for the day. I hated leaving but I just couldn’t sit there any longer. So I talked to my therapist and then headed home. I had to stop and pick up my prescription and some Orchid Mix. I have some Orchids to save. Will talk about that on another post. I came home and took a nap, and woke up with a headache. Not as migraine-y, but still just as bothersome.
So that is my day so far. I was proud of myself this morning because instead of going through drive through when I was late getting going, I made a breakfast. That’s not the norm for me. I was also proud that I made the decision to take care of myself. I’m trying to look at things I did well each day. I am planning to start writing these things in a journal, so I can go back and look them over, to help remind me that I do, do things well.
Love & Peace
A lot of times that I talk about the thoughts BPD causes, I will say MY BPD. I need to stop claiming it as mine. From now on I want to try and say that I’m being attacked by BPD or BPD thoughts.
Today I’m being attacked by these thoughts. There’s a little back story so I will put that first. While I was in the hospital, I meant someone pretty special. D, is a 38 yr old male. As soon as he was admitted I had a major crush on him. I never thought we would connect and hit it off so well. We both have our own issues to work on, so have talked about the next year. We have decided we will work on ourselves for a year and then see where we are. We will still be friends during this time. We will work on getting to know each other as friends, and see where it leads from there. We have both been in some pretty shitty relationships and want to do this one right. I don’t know how I will last a year, but it will probably go by faster, then I think it will, now.
So that brings me to those evil BPD thoughts. I talked to D last night, and then he had to go as his aunt was calling and it was long distance. He said he would call me right back but didn’t. Then this morning I called him before my group therapy started, and he answered and then said he had to make a quick phone call and would call me right back. He still hasn’t called me back. So the BPD thoughts attack hard. They tell me that he doesn’t really like me, or that I must have said or done something wrong. I try to attack the BPD thoughts back, by voicing reality. Reality is that he has a lot of crap going on in his life too. Reality is that he probably just got busy with things in his life. Reality is that it probably has nothing to do with me. He lives with his mom right now and is using her phone. Reality could be that he is unable to use her phone for awhile. There are a lot of different realities it could be. Most of them probably have absolutely nothing to do with me.
Reality is real. BPD thoughts are lies and falsehoods. They should not, under any circumstances, be believed. They are only trying to get in my head and tell me bad things about myself. These bad things are most likely NOT reality.
BPD EXIT MY MIND NOW!!!!
Today was my first day of the Intensive Outpatient Program. I was pretty nervous about it, but it actually went pretty well. I learned about coping skills, goal setting, and assertiveness. The group I am in, is a great group! We seem to connect well. The therapists so far seem to be very compassionate and understanding. I think this is going to be a really good fit for me. I really wish it was bedtime now though, as I am really tired but it is way to early to sleep now.
Love & Peace
Today, I start the Intensive Outpatient Program after being hospitalized. It is from 9 am to 315 pm. It is 5 days a week, for 3-4 weeks. It is actually a blessing that census is down at work. I wouldn’t be working much anyway, so I can focus on ME. I am having faith in God to provide the rest.
I am a little anxious this morning, about my program. It’s something new and will surely be a BIG change for my thoughts, actions, and future. This is a good thing, even though it’s a scary thing. I want to learn how to overcome the thoughts that people hate me or are mad at me, when I know it’s an irrational fear. A lot of times I have to ask for reassurance, and then feel like I’m being a drama queen. That’s not what I’m trying to do, it’s just that the fear is SO strong, without reassurance, the thoughts won’t leave. Even sometimes after reassurance, they don’t leave, but usually they do.
Anyway I feel that I am ready for a new chapter in my life. As scared as I am, right now, it’s exciting and I can’t wait!
Love & Peace
Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement! I so greatly appreciate it!
I got out of the hospital yesterday around 830 am. I am home safe. Just posting that I am home for now. Will tell you about my adventures later. I have a big day tomorrow, so have to head to bed.
I went and met with my counselor today. Because of where I’m at, she wants me to go to the hospital. Because of where I’m at, I kind of want to go to the hospital. I’m nervous though, to go by myself. I texted my pastor, to see if she would be able to talk a bit. She is busy at the moment but said she will call me, when she is free. I am kind of hoping that she will be able to meet up and go with me to the hospital. If she can’t, I’m not sure what I will do. I arrived home, just as my aunt and uncle were leaving for their dance class. I told them I may not be home tonight and that my counselor wants me to go to the hospital. Either way of what happens, I am really anxious about both outcomes. Living near Portland, OR, there are a lot of mental health hospitals in the area. There is only one that I really want to go to. Working in the past, as a secured transport officer, I have been to pretty much all of them, to pick up and drop off patients. I was hospitalized in 2007 at the hospital I want to go too. The people there seem the friendliest compared to the others. I am hoping there will be a bed there open for me. I am posting this now because once I talk to my pastor, if it works out for me to go, I probably won’t have time to post. If I do go, I want you to know why I’m not posting for awhile. If I end up not going, I will post and let you know.