Tag Archives: emotional

Emotionally Drained…

I’ve been feeling pretty emotional the last few days, and don’t have a post in me. Just wanted you all to know I’m still here and alive, just not posting at the moment.

Love & Peace
Devin

Advertisements

Don’t Know How I Feel…

I’m not even sure where to start on how I feel right now. I’m feeling discouraged about my job, and discouraged about myself. When I got my job in September, I really felt like God was leading me in that direction. I still don’t doubt that He put me in that job, but I’m wondering why. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not getting many hours. And I’m really irritated with most of the people there. The employees, that is; I love the residents. If I’m not going to be even making part time hours, then I need to find another job. I don’t know where that would be. I don’t know that I want to move on to another assisted living facility. I feel like I am back to square one, and stuck. I don’t know how to move on, again. I feel like I am always going to be in this stuck place. Because of my own limitations, I don’t know how to move on. I feel like only a couple people really understand how I am feeling. How I have no energy. And how the stress of the job, for me, isn’t the normal stress that someone without mental illness goes through. It goes beyond the next level and into the anxiety level of stress. The part where you really just want to scream, and curl up into a ball and cry. When I say my job stresses me out or the idea of working full time hours, stresses me out; people just don’t get it. They think I am being lazy or over exaggerating. They don’t know what that kind of stress is like. And I have had SO many people tell me, when I’m talking to them about my hours being cut at work, “well that’s not going to help you get out of your aunts.” Gee, really? You could have fooled me. I don’t need people to state the obvious. I’m not asking for you to tell me what I already know, I just want you to listen. It’s like telling me, smoking is bad for me, and will kill me. You think I don’t know that? And now that I’ve quit, AGAIN, I am feeling antsy and I really want a cigarette. I noticed the cravings are a lot worse at night. And I’ve been really missing my pup, Wyatt lately. I feel guilty that I can’t be with him. I feel guilty that he and I are both having to depend on other people. He needs to be back with me. I haven’t even been able to go see him, since i got this job. Either I don’t have the time or I don’t have the money.

Tired of being stuck,
Devin

E is for…EMOTIONAL!

Wow, it’s been an emotional roller coaster the last couple of days. It took me awhile to get to sleep last night, so I slept in late this morning. Then I woke up, still very emotional and depressed. I didn’t feel like doing anything. Then my aunt, came in and talked to me about some stuff that she was planning for the day. Then she went back to the other room for awhile. Then probably not quite a half hour later she came back, and asked if I wanted to go with her. My brain went through a really quick process of, “no, I just really want to sit here and do nothing.” To saying, “yeah, let me take a quick shower and I’ll go with you.” My mind was thinking, maybe that will help me get out of this funk. So I went with her, and feel a bit better now. I still don’t feel like doing to much and am going to relax the rest of the day. Then tomorrow I can tackle the hours I need to do this week.

I also canceled my appointment with my counselor and am just doing a phone call with my pastor this week. Just not feeling up to doing much, though I am going to go to my friend D’s house, later this week. We haven’t spent a lot of time together in a LOOOONG time, so this will be really nice.

Today I bought some gum and Mentos to help with the cravings. I am hoping this will help me. Last night after church I really wanted a cigarette, so smoked one when I got home. I smoked my last one about 5 minutes ago. They are gone, which takes away that temptation. Now any cravings will have to be fixed with gum, Mentos or sunflower seeds.

Climbing UP the Mountain!
Devin

Nicotine Free!

So today I am nicotine free. I have two cigarettes left, but woke up this morning and felt like I didn’t need to finish my pack. So I didn’t go have any this morning. I’m not really craving it too much, though I am sweating it up a storm. On top of quitting smoking, my body decided it was also time for my monthly time of joy, so I also had major cramps this morning. I got up and had breakfast and then ended up going back to bed for awhile. I have church this evening. If it wasn’t for Easter Sunday, I would probably stay home. I am an emotional wreck today and don’t feel like going anywhere. I do want an Easter Service though, so am going regardless of how I feel. Maybe I will feel better afterwards.

That is all!
Devin

It’s Bedtime!

Now that I’ve been in bed for 45 minutes, I thought of something to write. I was thinking back over the day, and remember something that really gets under my skin. If I don’t write it out, I won’t be able to sleep. One of the residents at my facility, is pretty much mean to everyone, at least all of us caregivers. She will talk with her table mates but otherwise sticks to herself. So at lunch today, while we were serving drinks, I asked her what she wanted, and she told me. At each setting place, there are two glasses (different sizes) and a cup for coffee. Most residents will turn over and specify which cups/glasses, they want their drink in. This resident didn’t do that. I asked her which cup she wanted me to put her drink in. It was like a bother to her that she would need to tell me which glass. She handed me a glass, sighed loudly and said, “stupid!” under her breathe. I took the glass, bit my tongue and went to get her drink. My coworker B, said, “just smile at her, that’s what I do.” Yeah I’ve been doing that ever since I started here. This resident also has a fit if we don’t fill the glass right to, below the rim. When getting her cereal, if I ask her how much milk, she will scowl and glare at me. So I don’t ask anymore. One day I was walking down the hall and passed her. I noticed she had a book on her walker by one of my favorite authors. I commented, “Oh I love her! She’s an awesome author.” To which I got a glare, scowl and shake of the head. Then this resident just kept walking. I was just trying to be nice and make conversation with her. Most residents even if they hate the world, are usually a little nice if I try to make nice conversation with them, but not her. Anyway, it pisses me off that she is allowed to treat people this way. Maybe it’s because she called me stupid for asking her which cup she wanted me to fill, which excuse me, does not make me stupid! I wanted to be like, “excuse me? I don’t help those who treat me that way!” But for fear of making a scene and getting in trouble, I held my tongue. I’ve dealt this way a lot in my life situations. I’m always afraid of making a scene, even in really hard situations, that shouldn’t be happening. This is minor compared to those. I think this pisses me off even more today, because she called me stupid. I know I’m not stupid, but being called that most of my life, it brings up flashbacks from my childhood. Which pisses me off even more.

We also lost one of my favorite residents yesterday. It was her time to go. I’ve gotten used to people passing on, as usually they are in a lot of pain, and I know they are in a better place. This woman though was really sweet and would joke with us all the time. She had fallen and I guess went downhill. She was moved to the rehab side but we all thought she would be coming back to our side soon. It was sudden and unexpected. The other thing that was weird is that on Monday, I was just asking the med aide, if she knew how this woman was doing. And then that afternoon/evening, she passed away. Why was I suddenly thinking about her specifically that day?

Maybe it’s because all of this happened at once, that I am feeling extra emotional about it. I’m not sure. I just had to write it to get it out of my head. Now I need a smoke break and then maybe I can sleep. Here’s to hoping my aunt and uncle are back in bed (they are home again), and don’t come out of there room. It’s not been confirmed whether they know I’m smoking again, and I’m still a bit paranoid about what their reaction will be when and if it gets confirmed.

Here’s to hoping sleep comes fast!
Devin

INSOMNIA

So after being emotional after my work meeting yesterday, I texted my Pastor and asked if she had a minute to talk and pray with me. She called and we talked for a little bit, and then she prayed with me. Then I was still somewhat emotional and got some crying out of the way; before and after our talk. Then I felt SO extremely tired that I couldn’t wait for bed. You know that ‘after a good cry’ tired?

Yeah and now I’m WIDE awake. It’s only 1130 pm here, so in my time zone this all still happened today. Word Press seems to be on another time zone so said yesterday.

So then I was playing my Wizard 101 game most of the evening and got bored with that, so was looking at the books on my kindle. There is one about personalities and learning other people, so I started reading it. The author suggested taking this personality test online that is free. My Neurotics Facet is 99%. No wonder I’m so messed up and can’t handle stress at all.

Yes I’m FINE. Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, and emotional.

Thankfully I don’t have to work until 2 pm tomorrow for an 8 hr shift. I can sleep in a bit. Though I do have to get up and do at least 2 1/2 hours of cleaning tomorrow, so I don’t have to do some much on Friday and Saturday.

LET ME SLEEP!
DEVIN

Psychache

Having a psychache today. I called out from my 4 hour shift at work due to a “migraine.” Figuring they didn’t need to know and wouldn’t understand the psychache. I hate calling out from work but it’s just one of those days where I don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to stay in bed but need to finish the hours for the week for my aunt and uncle. It’s one day that I have the house to myself and I can’t enjoy it. Because I’m feeling so down, the thought of work was just stressing me out.

I also want to add that I realize a psychache relates to someone who is extremely suicidal and want to make it clear that I’m not feeling suicidal. I’m just in an emotional low right now, and am not feeling like doing anything. And don’t feel like caring that I don’t feel like doing anything. Usually I try to care and come out of it and I just don’t have the energy to do that right now. Going to get my other hours done so I can veg out and do nothing.

Devin