Tormented

After my last post, memories started flooding in. I was getting ready to get in the shower and then head to bed. The memories were there really strong and I just started sobbing. Then I started hearing this other voice, telling me it wasn’t my fault and that I was just a child. It was seriously going back and forth. So I stood in the shower and cried for awhile. Then I got out and wrote this poem…

TORMENTED

Tonight I am tormented
Two voices in my head
One says you are worthless
I wish you were never born

The other says, No I love You
You are a child of God
My daughter that I created
You are special to me

Back and forth, they go
Which one will win
The tears of pain
That flow so heated

The flashes of memory
Over power my mind
I lean towards them
They are all that I know

But then I hear
You were only a child
It isn’t your fault
The pain that you bear

I was there then
And I am here now
To hold you close to Me
You are My Child
My Daughter, I love

02/27/15

Devin

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Crazy or Not???

I was thinking a lot about how my Neurosis is 99%. I have wondered for a long time, how I can be so messed up but hold things together. How am I keeping this job? Or having my own apartment (In the past)? Why am I not going off the deep end? Sometimes, I feel like such a fraud. And I’m constantly thinking about what would happen if someday I completely lost control. These thoughts were on my mind A LOT tonight. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I kept going back to the black and white thinking of everyone must hate me. It’s really driving me nuts!

I worked the 2-10 pm shift tonight. When I was getting off my shift, I went downstairs to the nurses station, and night shift, med aid S was there. She said hi to me and I was like, “Hey! How’s it going?” Then all of a sudden she says, “I just love R (me by my real name), whenever R comes around it just makes me so happy. There are no complaints about R and everyone loves her.” Ummm…what? I’ve heard this a lot that residents really love me and never complain about me. I don’t understand it! Why can’t I just believe it. I always feel like everyone is just saying these things, that they aren’t really true. And I am always terrified that people will get to know me and then not like me. Of course I already think they don’t like me. That they are just being nice because they know I’m sensitive, or something. Why can’t I just believe them???

I feel like I’m 2 different people. The person they see, or think I am; and then the person inside my head, who is bat-shit crazy.

I really just want the craziness to stop!

Devin

INSOMNIA

So after being emotional after my work meeting yesterday, I texted my Pastor and asked if she had a minute to talk and pray with me. She called and we talked for a little bit, and then she prayed with me. Then I was still somewhat emotional and got some crying out of the way; before and after our talk. Then I felt SO extremely tired that I couldn’t wait for bed. You know that ‘after a good cry’ tired?

Yeah and now I’m WIDE awake. It’s only 1130 pm here, so in my time zone this all still happened today. Word Press seems to be on another time zone so said yesterday.

So then I was playing my Wizard 101 game most of the evening and got bored with that, so was looking at the books on my kindle. There is one about personalities and learning other people, so I started reading it. The author suggested taking this personality test online that is free. My Neurotics Facet is 99%. No wonder I’m so messed up and can’t handle stress at all.

Yes I’m FINE. Fucked Up, Insecure, Neurotic, and emotional.

Thankfully I don’t have to work until 2 pm tomorrow for an 8 hr shift. I can sleep in a bit. Though I do have to get up and do at least 2 1/2 hours of cleaning tomorrow, so I don’t have to do some much on Friday and Saturday.

LET ME SLEEP!
DEVIN

Climbing Up, Maybe…

So overall today was a fairly good day! Once I got to work and through my 4 hour shift, I was feeling better. I came home and took a nap, and then had to go to a work meeting. Work is just up the road, so not to far. Things were going pretty well. I felt like I was climbing out of the pit.

Now I’m just pissed though. Work meetings are hard because it’s a big reminder of how I’m NOT like the rest of the coworkers. In reality, it shouldn’t be a bad thing, but a lot of times it feels like it is. I don’t feel understood, and don’t feel like I know how to understand or relate to them. I am an empath, and as far as I can tell none of them are. It’s frustrating when a resident is dealing with depression or anxiety and everyone is complaining about how it is in their head or a behavior issue. And I can’t say anything to the contrary because they don’t know about me, and probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway. I don’t connect with any of them really, and it’s frustrating. I don’t have any friends in this area and that is hard too. All of my friends are 40 mins or so away. I can’t just go hang out when I want to. Living at my aunt and uncles has become extremely stressful and I spend most of my time in my room. Unless I am getting food or doing the cleaning I do each week for them, that is where I stay. Sometimes I feel very isolated. I don’t have money to go out though, so can’t just leave.

The other reason I am pissed is because we got our schedules today. Last month, I had 12 full day-shifts and the rest were half days. This month, I only had 8 full day-shifts and the rest half days, and now next month only 6 full day-shifts. I have told them I need more hours, but I’m actually getting less. It has been obvious for quite awhile that I am no longer welcome at my Aunt and Uncles. It is like my Aunt is trying to piss me off, so I move and then she doesn’t have to kick me out and be the bad guy. I was REALLY hoping to have more hours this next month, so I could find a new place to live. Now her family is coming at the end of March, and I will get to hear the whole month about how her family would be staying in the guest room if it wasn’t occupied. She already told me that two weeks ago, at our “meeting” we had. It’s obvious she doesn’t want me here but what am I supposed to do if I don’t have the money?

I’ve been praying for God to take care of this and obviously my time isn’t His time. I don’t know how much longer I can take it though. It’s really hard living somewhere, where you aren’t wanted. It’s hard to be isolated to one room of the house, and no where to go, to get a break once in awhile.

I just feel like I’m stuck without any options…AGAIN!

Devin

Ten Things You Probably Don’t Know About Me…

OK, so someone I follow posted this as a blog and now I am going to take that idea and post my own blog. Here Goes…

1) I have been on two mission trips. One to Barbados, where I helped build a school. And Belize, where we did multiple things. We built a church, had doctors and dentists that came and worked with VBS. I worked with VBS and the dentists. Being that I was out of the states, I didn’t have to have a license to pull teeth, so the dentist let me pull two. It was awesome!

2) My family moved a lot growing up. A few times we lived on hobby farms. We had goats multiple times and they were usually female and mostly pygmy goats. One time when I was about 4 or 5, we had a billy goat. One time I got two close to it and it bucked me in the gut. I never went near it again. It stunk anyway, so no big loss. I did enjoy the female goats a lot, as I think goats are adorable!

3) I have this weird quirk when I’m typing. If I make a mistake at the beginning of a sentence and notice it half way through, I delete the whole thing and rewrite it, instead of just using the mouse or arrows, to go up and correct it. I have no idea why I do this but I do. I thought of this one, as I did it in number 2 and thought someone might get a kick out of it. Maybe other’s do it too?

4) I was raised Seventh-day Adventist, and vegetarian. My junior and senior year, I went to a boarding school. I wanted to go Freshman year, but my mom wouldn’t let me. She didn’t think I was old enough, I couldn’t wait to get out of the house, so think I would have been fine. Growing up, I always questioned a lot of the beliefs of the SDA church. So left the church when I was about 20 or 21. I’ve tried a few different churches through the years and finally a couple of years ago, God showed me the church I attend now. It is a Disciples of Christ church. I love it!

5) I have my associates degree in Criminal Justice. I liked the idea of police force or detective, but when it came down to it, I decided social work or victim’s advocate would be more my type of work. Upon doing research on these jobs though, I realized I would need my bachelor’s degree. Once I was done with my associate’s degree, I was so burned out, I didn’t feel I would do a good job if I continued in school, so didn’t continue. So now I’m a caregiver at an assisted living facility, and not working in my field.

6) I have two younger brothers. B is about 4 years younger then me, and J is 15 years younger then me. I helped raise J and stepped in as the nurturing person in his life, since my mom isn’t. I believe he wouldn’t be as good off today if I hadn’t been his nurturing rock. When he was about 4, we both dressed up as pumpkins and I took him trick’r treating. Everyone thought I was his mom. I was a little embarrassed by that, but had a good time anyway. One of the worst days of my life was when I decided to move from WI to MI (same year I moved to OR, long story). The look on J’s face was horrible and I wanted to cry. Sometimes I still feel guilty for leaving him, but also know that I couldn’t put my life on hold and needed to find other options, then where I was at.

7) I have written a lot of poems and some short stories. I have written three children’s stories, though two are still in the process of editing and such. I have a couple good ideas for novels, though that’s as far as they have gotten. I also have a book started about my experiences of being hospitalized. None of these have been published because I’m too afraid to send them in. Not sure if I am more afraid of failure or success, but something keeps me from doing it.

8) I have met some famous people. I met a lot of famous people in the Adventist community. I have also met Suzanne Westenhoefer (lesbian comedian), and Aaron Tippin (country music). If I could meet anyone it would be Reba McEntire. She is someone I have looked up to since I was 13 and first heard her music. If I could, I would spend the day with her.

9) When I was in 8th grade, I started writing letters to celebrities. My first was Oprah Winfrey. I have also written to Jonathon Taylor Thomas, Laura Innes, Leeza Gibbons, Julianna Margulies, Reba McEntire, Suzanne Westenhoefer, George Clooney and there may be more I’m not thinking of. I wrote and asked for autographed pictures. George Clooney is the only one I didn’t receive a response from. And Suzanne Westenhoefer’s was the best because she personalized her photo to me.

10) When I was in 6th grade, I had a crush on my social studies teacher. I wrote him love notes and signed them anonymously. Then at one time, I gave him one about being picked on, on the bus or something. Still signed it anonymously but the guidance counselor called me to the office. Of course they probably recognized my handwriting, though it also seems like one of my friends ratted me out, but don’t remember that part for sure. All I know is I denied the letters, though they knew otherwise and the counselor told me if I had a problem I needed to come to her.

So this was a little harder then I thought. Some of these probably sound weird but they popped into my head.

Hope you enjoyed
Devin

I am on Oregon Health Plan (OHP), and so I had to wait for my counselor H to request more counseling appointments from OHP, before I can see her again. I called today to see if she had heard anything, and got her voicemail so left her a message. She later called me back, and right away asked if I was OK. I said yeah, I’ve just been really depressed. She said she could hear it in my voice. She said she hasn’t heard back from OHP and is just waiting for them. So I wait.

On my last blog, someone commented and asked me if I read “Jesus Calling.” As I was sitting here and listening to my Christian music while playing Wizard, I decided to look and see if it happened to be on my Kindle. I searched and found that it was, so read today’s devotion. I plan to add that to my daily devotions in the morning. The reason I didn’t know if it was on my Kindle or not, is because a friend gave me her old Kindle. One of the first versions. I haven’t explored everything on here yet. She has A LOT of books on here. And I can access her icloud too and download more, if I want. I just can’t buy anymore. Which is fine as there are plenty for me to weed through for now.

I haven’t taken a shower yet today and feel like I should go take a bath. Sometimes when I’m really depressed, I will take a bath instead because it feels like less work, and I can just sit there for awhile. Am thinking I will take my computer in and listen to some music while I’m in there too. Then I won’t hear my aunts noise in the next room, so much.

I am hoping that maybe after my bath, I will have some energy to organize my food. I had to start storing it in my room, and it’s still in bags and boxes and not on shelves yet. I was hoping to get it done today, but haven’t had any energy at all. Maybe after my bath I will feel a little different. If I feel up to it, I might also take a load of laundry down to the laundry room too. If not, I won’t worry about it. It wasn’t on my list, just something that could be done to make my room look a little cleaner.

I feel like maybe doing the above things might start to help bring me out of this pit. I am going to have to force myself to do them though.

So here goes nothing….

Devin

Clouds & Weights…

I am getting really tired of these dark clouds and heavy weights that surround me, constantly. Last night I was reading in my Kindle before bed. The book, Alone by Lisa Gardner is a crime story. It’s a really good book and once I start reading it’s hard to put it down. So I have gotten to the part where the Cop Sniper is talking to his counselor about his childhood and abuse that had taken place. His story is different then mine, in a sense, but it was still a trigger for me. It didn’t trigger cutting or suicide but just made me feel really sad. Then last night, I woke up from a dream that had to do with my mom and abuse. I don’t remember anything else. I got up and went to the bathroom and was able to go back to sleep; but this morning I woke up really depressed. Lately I’ve been waking up depressed anyway, so I may have no matter what. I’m just tired of it. Of feeling like I can’t get rid of it. This morning I prayed and asked God to take it from me. It hasn’t left yet and I don’t know what I need to do, to do my part. I’m sure God has a lesson in this for me, but I am getting very inpatient. I just want to be released from this burden.

Devin