Excited, Lonely, and Questioning…

My aunt’s parents and brother & wife, came down yesterday. They are now leaving for Thailand, so I have the house to myself. YAY! That’s the exciting part. It’s also the lonely part, as we all spent time together today and now I’m by myself. The questioning part comes from this. I have met my aunt’s brother and wife only once before this, and she hugged me like we were long lost friends, when they arrived. Then when they left, she said she loved me and gave me a really big hug, on the way out. I think she is a really neat woman, and my cousin told me a couple of things, that tells me her life wasn’t easy. Which gave me all the more respect for her. And I feel a love towards her, but then I go back to, how can she love me so soon. She doesn’t really know anything about me. It all goes back to that feeling of, if she knew who I was, she wouldn’t love me. I don’t know why I can’t trust people yet. My church has proven that they can know things about me and they still love me. You would think it would START to get easier, to believe that I am worthy person. Worthy of love.

I am also still thinking about the story from my last post, and it is still effecting me. I want to get it out of my head, just because of how it effects me. On the other hand, I don’t because this boy needs to be remembered, and his family needs to be comforted, and prayed for. I just wish I had someone to talk to about it. I could have talked to my counselor about it today as I thought I had a 315 pm appointment with her, but then she called me at 155 pm and asked me if I was OK. I got the times mixed up so missed my appointment. Though if I had gone when the actual time was, I wouldn’t know about that boy anyway. So was I supposed to know about that boy, is that why I mixed up the times? I don’t know. I just feel sad.

Devin

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2 thoughts on “Excited, Lonely, and Questioning…”

  1. Hugs. Suicide is hard to understand. Sadly, more than one person that I know went that route. I wish I knew what to say, but all that I can say is, you’re not alone.

    Hugs.

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