Tag Archives: Love

Thank You, God!

On the way to my pet sitting gig, tonight, I saw a beautiful sunset. The following poem is my prayer.

Thank you, Lord, for the beautiful sunset
Your artwork across the sky

Thank you for your love and compassion
Your protection and guidance

Thank you for your Son
Who died on the cross

Thank you for the sun
That sits in the sky

You are a majestic God


A Positive Day…

Last night I went to my friend N’s house to spend the night. Today was a Pray and Play church program in Portland. I spent the night at N’s so that I would already be closer and could ride with her. The big bonus to this was spending some extra one-on-one time with her, which I always enjoy. The Pray and Play was a big blessing. We had some small group activities. The pastor leading, C, always tries to get us to get into groups with people we don’t know a lot about. I ended up in a group of just me and one other person, K. I was thankful for only the two of us being in a group, and it seemed like she did too. K is a very special person and we seemed to connect well. When we first got into a group, we were sitting in front of a few women who thought they needed to talk, while C talked up front. As soon as we got a chance, K turned to me and said, “we need to move.” I was like, “Yeah, we do!” So we relocated. I then told her I wished I could say something to the women behind us, but didn’t have the guts. So we did our group activities, which focused on prayer and three women from the Bible, who saw Christ. Anna who saw HIm as an infant, The Bent Over Woman who needed healing, and the women who went to the tomb after Jesus had been risen. We then had to tie these women into our lives and talked about how we can see Christ in even small things, if we are looking. After we came back together, we again ended up sitting in front of the women who thought they needed to talk. I thought it was funny because K and I both turned at the same time and said, “Shh..” The women were quiet after that. One thing I really appreciated about K was that she had healing hands. I am the type of person that if I know you, I will put my hand on your shoulder when I talk or touch your arm. I do this a lot where I work. One resident told me I had healing hands, by doing this. It felt nice to be on the receiving side of this. It was also nice that K felt comfortable doing this, when she didn’t know me well. I will say that not everyone who does this, I feel comfortable with; but in this case, it made me feel good.

So after Pray and Play, I rode home with N, and then got my stuff and headed back to my home. When I got home, I took a nap. Then I decided I REALLY needed to stop procrastinating and mow the lawn. When I was out doing yard work the other day, I had done some pruning on the rose bushes out back, but hadn’t picked up the branches. So I needed to do that before mowing. I went over to start picking up the yard. I bent over and all of a sudden heard this, what I thought, was loud buzzing. It was really loud and I thought it was a big bug. I kind of jumped and looked to see what it was. There was a hummingbird drinking from the blueberry bush flowers. I wished I had my camera and then decided to just enjoy it while it was there, instead of stressing about having my camera. I watched it for a couple of minutes before it flew off. I got a big warm feeling in my chest as I watched it. I felt thankful that God had blessed me so much today.

Then about half an hour ago, I decided to go get the mail, as I hadn’t gotten it since Thursday. In the mail was a letter from the little boy I sponsor in Columbia. It put another big smile in my heart.

God blesses me everyday, but today I was watching and saw so many blessings. I am so thankful tonight!

Now it’s time to go take a relaxing bath and head to bed.


Excited, Lonely, and Questioning…

My aunt’s parents and brother & wife, came down yesterday. They are now leaving for Thailand, so I have the house to myself. YAY! That’s the exciting part. It’s also the lonely part, as we all spent time together today and now I’m by myself. The questioning part comes from this. I have met my aunt’s brother and wife only once before this, and she hugged me like we were long lost friends, when they arrived. Then when they left, she said she loved me and gave me a really big hug, on the way out. I think she is a really neat woman, and my cousin told me a couple of things, that tells me her life wasn’t easy. Which gave me all the more respect for her. And I feel a love towards her, but then I go back to, how can she love me so soon. She doesn’t really know anything about me. It all goes back to that feeling of, if she knew who I was, she wouldn’t love me. I don’t know why I can’t trust people yet. My church has proven that they can know things about me and they still love me. You would think it would START to get easier, to believe that I am worthy person. Worthy of love.

I am also still thinking about the story from my last post, and it is still effecting me. I want to get it out of my head, just because of how it effects me. On the other hand, I don’t because this boy needs to be remembered, and his family needs to be comforted, and prayed for. I just wish I had someone to talk to about it. I could have talked to my counselor about it today as I thought I had a 315 pm appointment with her, but then she called me at 155 pm and asked me if I was OK. I got the times mixed up so missed my appointment. Though if I had gone when the actual time was, I wouldn’t know about that boy anyway. So was I supposed to know about that boy, is that why I mixed up the times? I don’t know. I just feel sad.


Dani Flashback

Wow! So last night, I had worked a 4 pm-8 pm shift. While I was sitting at the nurses station, writing my chart notes; a couple of women had come in looking for the lab diagnostic book. I had to go up and ask my med aid where it was. I found out it is stored on the Rehab side. So came back downstairs and told them this. Then they left. A few minutes later, they came back with another woman with them (they evidently couldn’t find the book). When I looked up, I swear the third woman looked just like Dani. I don’t know if it was because of how I reacted, but she almost looked like she knew me too. Then they were talking to my med aid and I went back to charting. I didn’t want to stare. Then when I glanced back up, it didn’t look so much like Dani anymore. Most everything did, but her eyes looked different. I really can’t explain it. It was SO unreal and I’ve never had something like this happen before. Now I feel the pain for her again. It is always so strong. I would think I would have gotten over her by now.

Awhile ago, I bought a book at Barnes & Noble called, List Yourself, Listmaking as the Way to Self-Discovery, by Ilene Segalove and Paul Bob Velick. Tonight I happened to pick it up and look at it some. One of the first pages I opened up too was, List What You Would Say If The One Who Got Away Showed Up In Your Room. Yikes, I have a lot I would say. I’m not sure I could get everything I would want to say out in words. Lets see what I could get out…

List What You Would Say If The One Who Got Away Showed Up In Your Room

1) I have NEVER had the strong connection, we had, with anyone else.
2) I fell in love with you the first week, when you started training me.
3) I always loved the time we spent together
4) I wanted to tell you SO badly, how I really felt, but didn’t want to ruin our friendship, by freaking you out.
5) The night you told me you were dating the other guy, felt like a sword through my heart. It was all I could do, to keep from crying. I really hoped you didn’t see the pain in my eyes.
6) I tried really hard to still be your friend after that, but it was hard. It hurt every time I saw you two together. It hurt every time you talked about all the fun things you did, like go to Hawaii together.
7) It’s better now, but every once in awhile, those memories come flooding back, and the hurt is there all over again.
8) I will never love anyone the way I loved you.

Well I think that about sums it up!

Night All

Feeling Loved!

So after being SO depressed yesterday, I still didn’t have the energy to go to church today. There are days when I’m down and don’t want to go, but will still attend. Today the idea of getting off work at 2pm, rushing home for a quick nap, shower and then to drive 40 minutes to church, to get there by 5pm, was extremely overwhelming. So I decided I needed to just stay home and do nothing tonight. One reason I haven’t looked for another church just because it’s closer, is because I work most Sundays and then can still go to church in the evening. Another reason is the idea of trying a new church by myself is overwhelming. My church is small and we meet in member’s homes, so it wasn’t quite as intimidating to me at first. Anyway, back to my story. So tonight I didn’t go to church. Normally, I would text someone and tell them I wasn’t coming. Usually my Pastor/Friend S or friend D. Anyway, tonight I guess I kind of wanted them to worry about me. I wanted to know that someone cared about me, and even if that made them mad that I didn’t let them know, I didn’t care. And I know this sounds really bad, but I think it is still the BPD showing it’s ugly head right now. So I didn’t text. After a little bit S texted me and said she was missing me. Then D also texted and said she missed me and hoped everything was alright. I responded to both saying I was tired and had a hard last couple of days. After Church, S texted me and asked if she could call. I said she could. So she called and then passed the phone around to the rest of my church family. It was very uplifting to hear everyone’s voices and to hear that they missed me and were thinking of me. Quite a few said they loved me and missed my hugs. My Pastor’s husband who is also a pastor, told me that he was proud of me, for taking care of myself today. It was nice to get the validation. So even though I’m tired and still feeling a bit off, I will be going to bed tonight, knowing I am loved and cared for. I really needed that phone call tonight! S has no idea, what it REALLY meant to me.

Love & Peace

Dani Thoughts Again

So I’ve been watching the last couple seasons of Friends on Netflix. I had the first 9 seasons on DVD and now it’s on Netflix so I can finish it there. I’ll still buy the last seasons, but for now this will work.

Anyway today I was watching the end of Season 9. One of the episodes was where Rachel was helping Joey practice his lines for Days of Our Lives. She told him to remember when he was in love, and let that help his reaction for how he was supposed to be in the show. He started describing to her about how when he loved her. One thing he said was that it was hard to see her, because he just wanted to kiss her. How it was hard being around her because of his feelings. I don’t remember word for word what he said, but it brought up a bunch of emotions about Dani. I can SO relate to what he was saying because that is how I felt about her. It was even harder to see her with her boyfriend. I think if we still hung out, I would still be feeling that way. Or if we were to start hanging out again. A lot of those feelings aren’t as strong because I don’t see her all the time, so I’m not constantly thinking about her. The feelings are obviously still there once she is in my head.

Then I start thinking about if I will EVER fall in love with someone who also loves me back. Right now it doesn’t seem possible. I don’t know if I could ever love someone like I loved her. We had such a great connection. I don’t know if that will ever happen again. I just feel so lonely sometimes. And I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I want to be with someone who loves me the same way I love them. I try to be patient that God has someone, somewhere for me. But sometimes it is really hard to see that.

Here’s to hoping!

Love & Peace

Pulling Myself Up By The Bootstraps…

Hello Everyone, 
So a lot has happened in the last week. A couple of weeks ago, I got a letter confirming that I had been accepted on the Oregon Health Plan. So one weeks ago, I went to my first doctor’s appointment in a few years. I had been dealing with a lot of depression and just couldn’t seem to pull myself out of it this time. So I talked to my doctor about it and she put me on Zoloft. Then last week, I got my labs done and Monday I go in to hear about those, and get my physical. It feels really good to be taking care of myself. 

So 3 times in the past I have been hospitalized for depression and self harm. At that time, I was put on medications. I was put on a cocktail of things. I was on and off a number of different meds from 2003 until I went off them in 2011 or 2012. Because of all the side effects that come with taking medications, I really wanted to fight this on my own. I also felt like the medications took my creativity away. Anyway, I was very stubborn about staying off medications this time. But I finally gave in. This time I feel like its a little more in my control, which helps me feel a little better about it. I feel like I have a choice in the outcome of this. 

So far I’ve been feeling better about things. I don’t know if the medication is starting to take affect already or because some other things have happened this last week. Or both. 

I have a storage unit reserved. So now its just setting up to move everything. I will feel so much better once everything is moved. It will cost more but I won’t have to worry about bothering people. At least in that matter. 

I had a good time hanging out with Dani. We went to Russell St BBQ, which is an AWESOME BBQ place. Then we walked around Lloyd Center. We hung out in Barnes & Nobles for awhile. I bought a red leather journal with a heart on it. I am using this to write about my feelings for Dani. We had a good time together and it ended way to soon. 

My dad came this week from WI. He came out here to buy a pick up truck. So I picked him up on Monday at the airport and spent time with him Monday and Tuesday. He found a truck and drove it back, leaving here Wed morning. In WI, they salt the roads, which causes vehicles to rust faster. So he came to OR to buy a truck that will hopefully last longer. I had a good time seeing him for a couple of days. 

I am seeing things differently about my living situation, so hopefully this will make it a little easier on me. 

My aunt and uncle that I live with, are also teaching me round dancing. I am still self-conscious about it but hopefully that will get better. 

I think that I all for now. 

Love & Peace