My cousin and I had to get some things at the store, and went to Walgreen’s. I went to the register to pay for my items. The cashier told me that the lady that was there ahead of me, said she was going to a funeral for a 10 year old boy who committed suicide. This news makes my heart drop to my stomach. I feel this drop every time I hear of another person committing suicide. It dropped a lot harder today though, because it saddens me that another child felt like there was no hope. It saddens me that a child had to go through whatever, he had to go through in order to feel such pain and agony. I wish this child had known that there are people who love him, no matter what else happened. I want this child’s voice to be heard. I Googled, to see if I could find the story, and it says he hung himself. He was taken to the hospital, where he died.
Please pray for this child’s family and friends. Pray for all the children who feel suicidal, depressed or anxious.
Now as my heart aches for this family and their friends, I lift them up in prayer. That even though they are devastated from this, they can be blessed and feel comforted during this hard time.
So now I’m going through another one of those BPD episodes. The one where, everyone MUST hate me. I had to work 4 hours this evening. At one point, I walked up to Res P, who was sitting and doing puzzles in the loft. I was just heading to her room to say ‘hi’. I said, “Hey, P! I was just coming to your room to see how you were!” I sat down to visit and she said she was waiting for Jo to weigh her. I started to offer to weigh her and Ju walked up. P said to her, “You could weigh me.” Ju said she would let me do it. P said, “no, I’ll wait for Jo.” I was like, “well I can do it, I don’t mind.” She said, “No, I’ll wait for Jo.” I went into her room after dinner and asked her if I did something wrong. She said, “no, she just wanted to talk to Jo.” But then in my head it doesn’t make sense that she asked Ju to do it. So now I’m going through the whole, “everyone must hate me,” mode. I hate feeling this way, and I know it’s irrational, even if P does hate me. And it shouldn’t matter my self-worth, whether or not she likes me. So why do I care? And why can’t the racing thoughts of “everyone hates me, so what’s the point of living” just go away and leave me alone? For the first time in a long time, I want to cut myself. I’m not going to because I haven’t done it since August, but the temptation is there. And thoughts of suicide are there too. Again, I’m not going to do it. But they are going through my head.
Time to go take a hot lavender bubble bath. Maybe some pampering will help. Also on a positive note, I have the house to myself this weekend. So hopefully I can have some time to enjoy some peace and quiet before I have to off to work tomorrow evening.
Love & Peace
So today I brought my computer in, so I could show my blog to my counselor, H. I had H read my “Lies…” post. She had a few good points. Others have pointed this out in the past and I’m never sure how to answer it. I’m also never sure how to turn it around. One thing H asked me, was, “why is my self-worth dependent on what others think?” She compared it to if I had spinach in my teeth, and I asked her if I had spinach in my teeth and she lied and said no, would I then hate myself? And if she lied to me, how would that be dependent on my self-worth? There are a lot of reason’s as to why she could lie to me. Like maybe she didn’t feel comfortable telling me there was spinach in my teeth. Or maybe there wasn’t spinach in my teeth when she asked me. Or maybe she thought I looked good with spinach in my teeth. Anyway, I feel like that’s different, but don’t know how to explain how.
The other thing H pointed out was, “why do I hate myself so much and feel I’m worth that self hate?” This one I can’t figure out. I am not torturing animals or people. I’m trying to be good. I try to do my best at my job. I am good with people. I am trying to be closer to God and have a better relationship with Him. And if I’m trying to do my best, why do I hate myself so much? Why do I think I’m such a bad person? I’m not sure how to figure this one out. My mother was very abusive growing up and told me I was a worthless, failure, and worse; but that was in my past. I am better then what she made me believe. So why can’t I see myself that way? A week or more ago, I was searching online about ways of suicide. H asked me why I am worth suicide, if I’m not an evil person. I don’t know how to answer that. Sometimes I just really wish I could die. I wish that a car would come speeding around the bend and hit me when I’m on the road. I sometimes just don’t feel like I’m worth living. I don’t feel like anyone should love me. I feel like if everyone REALLY knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I think I’ve talked about this in past posts. I feel like I’m wearing a mask for everyone and that if I took off that mask, they would see how truly bad I am. I don’t know why I feel that way. I’ve told my deepest secret to both my pastor and counselor and they were very accepting of it. So why can’t I see what everyone else sees? I wish I could.
I know God is transforming me. I’m a lot farther then I used to be, at figuring these things out. I know it’s a process of life though, and it seems to take forever. Sometimes, I just feel very impatient.
Love & Peace
There is so much in my mind, I can’t put all here of what happened. All I know is that I am extremely depressed. This weekend was emotional and not a lot of sleep. Last night I took 2 Benadryl, which helped with the sleep. This morning, however, I woke up extremely depressed. I don’t feel suicidal or like I want to cut, but in a way I wish I could go to the hospital just so that I could check out for awhile. Things come with that, though, that I don’t want. 1)Medications. 2) Embarrassment. 3)Big Bills that I can’t pay. 4)I have to be able to file my unemployment claim and look for work, neither of which I can do at the hospital. I am so antsy and unsettled, that I need to get out of here. I really need to go to the beach or something. I’m going crazy, and am afraid that if something doesn’t change soon, the temptation of self harm will be there. I don’t want it to come back.
The other part is that where my brain is right now, I can’t pray or read my Bible. I am hoping that God can read my heart and will know what I need. Right now I can’t do it for myself.
Thanks for Listening.