Tag Archives: Self-hate

To My Mother >>>Trigger Warning<<<

To My Mother,

I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.

I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!



BPD Episode

So now I’m going through another one of those BPD episodes. The one where, everyone MUST hate me. I had to work 4 hours this evening. At one point, I walked up to Res P, who was sitting and doing puzzles in the loft. I was just heading to her room to say ‘hi’. I said, “Hey, P! I was just coming to your room to see how you were!” I sat down to visit and she said she was waiting for Jo to weigh her. I started to offer to weigh her and Ju walked up. P said to her, “You could weigh me.” Ju said she would let me do it. P said, “no, I’ll wait for Jo.” I was like, “well I can do it, I don’t mind.” She said, “No, I’ll wait for Jo.” I went into her room after dinner and asked her if I did something wrong. She said, “no, she just wanted to talk to Jo.” But then in my head it doesn’t make sense that she asked Ju to do it. So now I’m going through the whole, “everyone must hate me,” mode. I hate feeling this way, and I know it’s irrational, even if P does hate me. And it shouldn’t matter my self-worth, whether or not she likes me. So why do I care? And why can’t the racing thoughts of “everyone hates me, so what’s the point of living” just go away and leave me alone? For the first time in a long time, I want to cut myself. I’m not going to because I haven’t done it since August, but the temptation is there. And thoughts of suicide are there too. Again, I’m not going to do it. But they are going through my head.

Time to go take a hot lavender bubble bath. Maybe some pampering will help. Also on a positive note, I have the house to myself this weekend. So hopefully I can have some time to enjoy some peace and quiet before I have to off to work tomorrow evening.

Love & Peace


So today I brought my computer in, so I could show my blog to my counselor, H. I had H read my “Lies…” post. She had a few good points. Others have pointed this out in the past and I’m never sure how to answer it. I’m also never sure how to turn it around. One thing H asked me, was, “why is my self-worth dependent on what others think?” She compared it to if I had spinach in my teeth, and I asked her if I had spinach in my teeth and she lied and said no, would I then hate myself? And if she lied to me, how would that be dependent on my self-worth? There are a lot of reason’s as to why she could lie to me. Like maybe she didn’t feel comfortable telling me there was spinach in my teeth. Or maybe there wasn’t spinach in my teeth when she asked me. Or maybe she thought I looked good with spinach in my teeth. Anyway, I feel like that’s different, but don’t know how to explain how.

The other thing H pointed out was, “why do I hate myself so much and feel I’m worth that self hate?” This one I can’t figure out. I am not torturing animals or people. I’m trying to be good. I try to do my best at my job. I am good with people. I am trying to be closer to God and have a better relationship with Him. And if I’m trying to do my best, why do I hate myself so much? Why do I think I’m such a bad person? I’m not sure how to figure this one out. My mother was very abusive growing up and told me I was a worthless, failure, and worse; but that was in my past. I am better then what she made me believe. So why can’t I see myself that way? A week or more ago, I was searching online about ways of suicide. H asked me why I am worth suicide, if I’m not an evil person. I don’t know how to answer that. Sometimes I just really wish I could die. I wish that a car would come speeding around the bend and hit me when I’m on the road. I sometimes just don’t feel like I’m worth living. I don’t feel like anyone should love me. I feel like if everyone REALLY knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I think I’ve talked about this in past posts. I feel like I’m wearing a mask for everyone and that if I took off that mask, they would see how truly bad I am. I don’t know why I feel that way. I’ve told my deepest secret to both my pastor and counselor and they were very accepting of it. So why can’t I see what everyone else sees? I wish I could.

I know God is transforming me. I’m a lot farther then I used to be, at figuring these things out. I know it’s a process of life though, and it seems to take forever. Sometimes, I just feel very impatient.

Love & Peace

LIES! It’s All Lies!

I’m not even sure how to start this post out. I’ve been in a funk lately. When I get into a funk like this, I believe that everything nice, people say about me is a lie. Even when I’m not in a funk I don’t totally believe it, but it’s even worse when I’m in a funk. People at work tell me, that most of the residents like me a lot. A lot of the residents┬átell me that I’m their favorite caregiver. They tell me that I do a good job. People from my church tell me nice things. They tell me that they’ve adopted me as family. These people tell me these things over and over again. I just can’t bring myself to believe it. Somewhere deep inside of me is a bad root that tells me these are lies. This root tells me that these people are just trying to be nice. That they pity my sensitivity and so tell me these things, so as not to hurt my feelings. For some reason it is easier to believe this bad root, then all the people telling me good things. It makes me hate myself because either all these people are liars and lying to me, or I can’t figure out how to believe the truth.

It doesn’t help that I have a couple people who say they want to hang out but when it comes right down to it, they are too busy. Or I always have to take the initiative which is really tiring. Or they make plans within earshot or right next to me, and then I just feel left out. I just need one friend who wants the same from me as I do from them. Someone who will call ME up, and say, “let’s go get coffee.” My best friend who I could do this with is in WI and too far away.

I guess I’m just lonely and wishing for someone to want to actually be my friend and not just in words but also in actions. Sometimes I think I am just to much for people and they can’t handle me, so just put up a front when I’m around.


Wow! Three Months! >WARNING: MAY TRIGGER<

Hello All,
Sorry I haven’t written in 3 months. Things have been tough for me emotionally and I’ve been doing some isolating. I still go to church and meet with my Pastor, so that is helping me get out a little bit. I thought about writing but just didn’t feel like I had anything good to say. I still don’t know if I do or not, but wanted you to know I’m still alive and kicking.

I have been really good about taking my meds and checking up with my doctor. She has raised my Zoloft and also put me on Vitamin D and Fish Oil. I started seeing a counselor, H, and she wanted me to go on Fish Oil. I am hoping these will help me. H is REALLY cool! As soon as we walked into her office, I knew I would like her. The first thing she did was take off her shoes, and that is what I do too. There were a lot of things I like about her and I’m hoping this can be a good fit. Something has got to be figured out here. I’m SO tired of feeling this way. H explained some things to me and validated some feelings I didn’t even realize, why, until I saw her. One conversation we had was this… I had told her that I hadn’t wanted to go back on medication or see a counselor because I wanted to fight this on my own. I didn’t want to have to have help. H asked me, “So when you go to your doctor and take the medication, who is giving that to you?” “Me.” “And when you come here to see me and I give you homework and you go home and do it, Who is doing it?” “Me.” OK. I get the point. So I am really doing the work towards getting better. I am trying to see that in a different light. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

One counselor I had in the past hospitalized me for something I had written. What I had written pertained to wanting to be taken care of. I wasn’t suicidal or self-harming. Anyway, for some reason that I don’t understand T took me to the hospital. So I am going to have a conversation with H, next time I go see her about this. I need to know from the beginning, at what point she would hospitalize me. I need to know if it is safe to openly talk about if I feel the desire to hurt myself or if I need to hide that. I am able to talk to my Pastor openly about it and she lets me talk it out. If I can’t talk to H about it, I’ll just keep that part for my Pastor.

So the last month or so has been SUPER hard! The last two weeks I was in a really deep funk. I was just so depressed and wanting to hurt myself a lot. I did hurt myself once. I talked to my Pastor about it afterwards. A lot of times I will text my Pastor, S and tell her that I’m promising to be safe. This time I didn’t. S asked me why I didn’t tell her. I told her, because I didn’t want to be safe. Which was the truth. If I had wanted to be safe, I would have reached out. Anyway so this week, I don’t feel the deep depression but I am still tired and completely unmotivated. I don’t know how to describe the difference. Both places, I don’t feel like caring. I don’t feel like I want to do anything but watch Netflix or sleep. But they are a bit different.

So yesterday was the last day for unemployment. I have an interview tomorrow for a possible personal assistant position. It would only be 10 hrs a week at $15 an hour, but at least its something. I am hoping to get it, just so I can keep up with my bills and get necessities. I am down to $15 a month for food stamps because of the amount I was getting on unemployment. I’m thinking now maybe I can get a little more. I’ve got to call and talk them next week. Once I figure out what’s happening with the interview tomorrow.

I am completely stepping back from the friendship with Dani. I’ve taken her off Facebook. After we hung out last time, I had messaged her a couple of times but she didn’t respond. And her Boyfriend was constantly tagging her in pictures of the two of them. It was just really hard seeing the pictures and thinking about her. I still think about her quite a bit, especially when I read a love story. I hate when people talk about ever ‘being in love.’ I have, she just wasn’t in love back.

I went up and dog sat, for the family that has Wyatt. They were gone last weekend so I went and took care of the animals. That is three dogs and two cats. It was SO nice to spend all that time with the animals, especially Wyatt. Plus I had the house to myself, so had my own space to do what I want, when I want. It was a nice break from being around people all the time. I went and got Pizza Hut for supper Friday night. It was so delicious!

I am also no longer dancing at this point. It’s a long story, but I feel OK about it. I may go back to it some day, just not right now.

Well I think that is all for now. I hope you are all well.

Love & Peace,


So this evening, N, a friend from work and I had a lot of interesting conversations on multiple levels. I’m really not sure where to start. They have my brain going in a thousand different directions. I feel I need to write about them before bed or I won’t sleep. One major conversation was about why I don’t think I’m a good person. Other then the beliefs engrained in me as a child, I really, honestly don’t know why I hate myself so much. I am thirty now and I really hope it doesn’t take another thirty years to like myself. I’m so tired of trying to change my beliefs about myself. I really want to see what others see in me. I really would like to be happy with myself and my life. Things like a cluttered house, my job or even the mistakes I have made in life, don’t define me or who I am. I know that in my mind, but why can’t I know that in my heart? Why can’t I figure it out already? I wish God would give me a big eye opener that can start to change my mind. I need to move on from the things my mother told me. I will say there was a difference in my response tonight then what I’ve had in the past. In the past, I would deny being a good person or try to convince the other person of my way. I did that a little tonight but it really stopped me in my tracks. I had to admit, that if I really think about it, I really don’t know why I hate myself so much. Aside from the mother stuff, that is. I think maybe I need to learn to separate that from now. I’m not sure how to straighten that out in my head right now, but its something to think about.

So that was the major conversation but another interaction between N and I, really bothered me more then that conversation. I say interaction because I don’t even remember what the conversation was about. Just what happened during it. For some reason this interaction is really bothering me. I am not able to pinpoint why. This is what happened…

So N and I were going on about something. I don’t remember. We were standing near each other and she reached up to fix her hair or I don’t know what, and I flinched. Her response was, “I’m not gonna hit you.” I’m not sure what bothers me so much about this. One part is the fact that I flinched in the first place. I felt kind of stupid and childish that I would flinch. I know it goes back to the physical abuse I received as a child but I want to be over that by now. Maybe it was the gentle way she said she wasn’t going to hit me. I hate that my subconscious made me flinch because obviously she would never hit me. Maybe it partly bothered me that she noticed I flinched. Its embarrassing that there is still a little child in me, who is fearful. I hate that people can see it in me so easily. I want to be tough and able to hide my feelings. Then on the other hand, I want someone to notice and protect me. I still want that motherly figure to be affectionate. And while I want the affection, I’m terrified of it. When someone does touch me on the shoulder or hug me, I tense up but then hate when they pull away. I hate that my mind contradicts itself so much. Part of my mind tells me I’m to old to get that affection to the point of making things better. Like it would never make up for the fact that I missed out on it as a child. I feel like I could get all the love in the world now but it still wouldn’t make a difference because I didn’t have it as a child. I really feel like I got cheated out of this love and affection. Sometimes I really blame God for it. He could have given me a mother who loved me. Why didn’t He? Why was I not important enough to have a loving mother? People say I wouldn’t be the person I am today. OK but why couldn’t I still be compassionate, loving and accepting of others and still have a loving mom. Why did I have to get the exact opposite of who I am? So my mother taught me who I DON’T want to be, but other people have loving moms and it shows them how to be that way. ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!

Rough Day…

Today was kind of a rough day. My back has been bothering me the last few days so I just kind of started off in a pissy mood. I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with people today, but since that’s the majority part of my job, I didn’t have much of a choice. I made it through the day and then the worst part was on my way out the door at work.

So there are a few people, that when we aren’t busy at work I will go talk too. One woman is up a few floors and I had gone to say hi earlier but both times she was kind of busy, so I didn’t stay long. Then I had to go up to her floor to complete a couple of tasks at the end of the day so said hi. Then I was walking out at the end of the day and we happened to meet up in the hall leading out of the building. I said hi to her and she kind of half turned, said hi and kept going. I just felt kind of slighted, because if felt like she didn’t want to talk to me. I’m sure she was just in a hurry to get home and just wanted to get out of there. That is probably reality. The problem is that my beliefs and self-doubts tell me that people don’t really care about me or want to talk to me. My mind tells me that I’m a bother when I go to talk to people. People tell me they are interested and like talking to me but I don’t believe them. I don’t believe anyone could think I’m interesting. And its worse when I’ve had a hard week and bad day. It makes my self doubts a lot more apparent and on the surface.

There is this other girl at work who works in my department. She is a few years older then me but sometimes acts like a 10 year old. For example she will come up to me and if I’m in a conversation with someone, she will just start poking me, or click her pen in my ear, or things like that. I try to ignore these and she eventually stops. Another thing she has done in the past, is when I’m eating lunch or something, she’ll just take some of my candy or cookies, without asking. One time I finally said, “have you ever heard of asking?” Then the last time she did it, She did ask. When people get in my space or think that I’m a nice person so won’t care, it really gets on my nerves. If you want something, just ask. I’ll more then likely give it to you. Anyways I find this girl very annoying a lot of the time, she doesn’t understand boundaries. So my mind is always thinking that other people think of me this way. Even though I don’t overstep these boundaries, I’m afraid people find me annoying. They always tell me they don’t but I don’t believe them. I don’t know how to believe that anyone actually likes spending time with me.

I have asked God to help me love and accept myself recently, but I haven’t seen any changes yet. I know its a process and I have to do some hard work to get there. I’m just tired of doubting myself and hating myself so much. When someone tells me I’m a good person and they like being around me, I want to be able to believe it and feel good about it.

That is all for today…

Love & Peace