Tag Archives: self-harm

To My Mother >>>Trigger Warning<<<

To My Mother,

I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.

I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!

Devin

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BPD Episode

So now I’m going through another one of those BPD episodes. The one where, everyone MUST hate me. I had to work 4 hours this evening. At one point, I walked up to Res P, who was sitting and doing puzzles in the loft. I was just heading to her room to say ‘hi’. I said, “Hey, P! I was just coming to your room to see how you were!” I sat down to visit and she said she was waiting for Jo to weigh her. I started to offer to weigh her and Ju walked up. P said to her, “You could weigh me.” Ju said she would let me do it. P said, “no, I’ll wait for Jo.” I was like, “well I can do it, I don’t mind.” She said, “No, I’ll wait for Jo.” I went into her room after dinner and asked her if I did something wrong. She said, “no, she just wanted to talk to Jo.” But then in my head it doesn’t make sense that she asked Ju to do it. So now I’m going through the whole, “everyone must hate me,” mode. I hate feeling this way, and I know it’s irrational, even if P does hate me. And it shouldn’t matter my self-worth, whether or not she likes me. So why do I care? And why can’t the racing thoughts of “everyone hates me, so what’s the point of living” just go away and leave me alone? For the first time in a long time, I want to cut myself. I’m not going to because I haven’t done it since August, but the temptation is there. And thoughts of suicide are there too. Again, I’m not going to do it. But they are going through my head.

Time to go take a hot lavender bubble bath. Maybe some pampering will help. Also on a positive note, I have the house to myself this weekend. So hopefully I can have some time to enjoy some peace and quiet before I have to off to work tomorrow evening.

Love & Peace
Devin

NOT OK!

There is so much in my mind, I can’t put all here of what happened. All I know is that I am extremely depressed. This weekend was emotional and not a lot of sleep. Last night I took 2 Benadryl, which helped with the sleep. This morning, however, I woke up extremely depressed. I don’t feel suicidal or like I want to cut, but in a way I wish I could go to the hospital just so that I could check out for awhile. Things come with that, though, that I don’t want. 1)Medications. 2) Embarrassment. 3)Big Bills that I can’t pay. 4)I have to be able to file my unemployment claim and look for work, neither of which I can do at the hospital. I am so antsy and unsettled, that I need to get out of here. I really need to go to the beach or something. I’m going crazy, and am afraid that if something doesn’t change soon, the temptation of self harm will be there. I don’t want it to come back.

The other part is that where my brain is right now, I can’t pray or read my Bible. I am hoping that God can read my heart and will know what I need. Right now I can’t do it for myself.

Thanks for Listening.
Devin