I’m feeling sad today. That’s all I’ve got.
I’m feeling sad today. That’s all I’ve got.
Ever since I went to the hospital, I’ve been having major anxiety. Now tonight, I’m on one of my eat a lot of chocolate, don’t go to bed until late, nights. I was having a lot of anxiety earlier and texted my pastor about it. She suggested writing down all the things that are causing anxiety and then write, what I want these things to be like. And then pray for each one. I did this and cried some. I also called my friend D and talked to her for awhile. Feeling a little better. Though I really don’t want to go to bed. Just don’t feel settled down. Last night I only got 5 hours of sleep. I need to head to bed in hopes of getting more sleep tonight.
Now that I’ve been in bed for 45 minutes, I thought of something to write. I was thinking back over the day, and remember something that really gets under my skin. If I don’t write it out, I won’t be able to sleep. One of the residents at my facility, is pretty much mean to everyone, at least all of us caregivers. She will talk with her table mates but otherwise sticks to herself. So at lunch today, while we were serving drinks, I asked her what she wanted, and she told me. At each setting place, there are two glasses (different sizes) and a cup for coffee. Most residents will turn over and specify which cups/glasses, they want their drink in. This resident didn’t do that. I asked her which cup she wanted me to put her drink in. It was like a bother to her that she would need to tell me which glass. She handed me a glass, sighed loudly and said, “stupid!” under her breathe. I took the glass, bit my tongue and went to get her drink. My coworker B, said, “just smile at her, that’s what I do.” Yeah I’ve been doing that ever since I started here. This resident also has a fit if we don’t fill the glass right to, below the rim. When getting her cereal, if I ask her how much milk, she will scowl and glare at me. So I don’t ask anymore. One day I was walking down the hall and passed her. I noticed she had a book on her walker by one of my favorite authors. I commented, “Oh I love her! She’s an awesome author.” To which I got a glare, scowl and shake of the head. Then this resident just kept walking. I was just trying to be nice and make conversation with her. Most residents even if they hate the world, are usually a little nice if I try to make nice conversation with them, but not her. Anyway, it pisses me off that she is allowed to treat people this way. Maybe it’s because she called me stupid for asking her which cup she wanted me to fill, which excuse me, does not make me stupid! I wanted to be like, “excuse me? I don’t help those who treat me that way!” But for fear of making a scene and getting in trouble, I held my tongue. I’ve dealt this way a lot in my life situations. I’m always afraid of making a scene, even in really hard situations, that shouldn’t be happening. This is minor compared to those. I think this pisses me off even more today, because she called me stupid. I know I’m not stupid, but being called that most of my life, it brings up flashbacks from my childhood. Which pisses me off even more.
We also lost one of my favorite residents yesterday. It was her time to go. I’ve gotten used to people passing on, as usually they are in a lot of pain, and I know they are in a better place. This woman though was really sweet and would joke with us all the time. She had fallen and I guess went downhill. She was moved to the rehab side but we all thought she would be coming back to our side soon. It was sudden and unexpected. The other thing that was weird is that on Monday, I was just asking the med aide, if she knew how this woman was doing. And then that afternoon/evening, she passed away. Why was I suddenly thinking about her specifically that day?
Maybe it’s because all of this happened at once, that I am feeling extra emotional about it. I’m not sure. I just had to write it to get it out of my head. Now I need a smoke break and then maybe I can sleep. Here’s to hoping my aunt and uncle are back in bed (they are home again), and don’t come out of there room. It’s not been confirmed whether they know I’m smoking again, and I’m still a bit paranoid about what their reaction will be when and if it gets confirmed.
Here’s to hoping sleep comes fast!
I have been feeling very sad and unwanted as of late. It’s felt like my aunt doesn’t want me here anymore. Then Saturday night it became even more obvious. I don’t have the money to move anywhere else. My hours at work have been short the last couple of months. Since I don’t know what the next few months look like, it’s best I stay where I’m at. I went and met with a guy last night about a room, but right now, I really don’t think I could hack it. Everything else was great. He was interesting and seemed like a good person. The apartment was nice. It would have been a little farther from work but not horrible. The price was just to much. I really feel like I’m stuck in another horrible situation. I am trying really hard to trust that it is in God’s time. It can be really hard though, with the tension and feelings of not being wanted here.
So tonight, I had to go pick up my prescriptions at the pharmacy. While I was in the store I wanted to get a few things. I decided to get some foot soaking fizzies and then got some heel repair stuff. So I watched Along Came Polly and soaked my feet. Then I put the heal repair stuff on. My feet feel really soft and relaxed now. I also got some face mask stuff. I am thinking I will put some on and then do a meditation for stress or anxiety, while I’m waiting for that to be done. I would have done it too, while I watched the movie, but I need my glasses for the movie.
So I am giving myself some self-love since my emotional part is needing to feel nurtured. I am worth it, and need to pamper myself once in awhile.
Love & Peace
Sorry it’s been awhile again since I’ve written. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. About 2-3 weeks ago, I deactivated my Facebook account. I was feeling the need for a much required break. So I sent my info to a few people who I wanted to keep in contact with and posted that I would be leaving for a little while and then a week later, I deactivated my account. Not sure how long I will be gone, or if I will come back, but will play it by ear.
Last week was a rough one emotionally. We lost two residents at work and I am still getting used to the death part. It was the main reason I didn’t want to be a caregiver. I get way to attached too easily, and then have to hold myself together until I can get to a private place and let it out. I have always had a hard time with that. The two residents we lost, I wasn’t as close too, and I don’t know what is going to happen when one passes that I am close too. It’s going to be really hard!
I have been attending this mindfulness class at the same place, where my counseling is. This last Monday, our exercise was to meditate on a stressful situation and think about how we could step back and respond to it differently. At first I went through some stressful situations that didn’t really click. Then I came to one I thought I had dealt with. With everything going on, I felt really emotional and had a hard time holding it together. After the exercise, there was a big ball of emotion on my chest and I didn’t talk the whole class, for fear of loosing it. After class, I booked it to my car and cried on the way home. Then I got home and was still emotional and cried myself to sleep. Tuesday I had off from work, thankfully, and woke up still feeling emotional. I had called my friend M, and talked to her some but then she went into her stuff, so that didn’t help much. Then later in the day, I talked to my Pastor even though we had a time set to talk on Thursday. That helped a lot and I was able to get past the emotional part of the week.
I have also been missing Wyatt A LOT the last couple of weeks, which has added to my loneliness and emotional state.
Now I have today off and am doing a bunch of cleaning and then I work again tomorrow for 5 days in a row. I have hope that this coming week will be a much better one!
Love & Peace
Sorry I haven’t written in 3 months. Things have been tough for me emotionally and I’ve been doing some isolating. I still go to church and meet with my Pastor, so that is helping me get out a little bit. I thought about writing but just didn’t feel like I had anything good to say. I still don’t know if I do or not, but wanted you to know I’m still alive and kicking.
I have been really good about taking my meds and checking up with my doctor. She has raised my Zoloft and also put me on Vitamin D and Fish Oil. I started seeing a counselor, H, and she wanted me to go on Fish Oil. I am hoping these will help me. H is REALLY cool! As soon as we walked into her office, I knew I would like her. The first thing she did was take off her shoes, and that is what I do too. There were a lot of things I like about her and I’m hoping this can be a good fit. Something has got to be figured out here. I’m SO tired of feeling this way. H explained some things to me and validated some feelings I didn’t even realize, why, until I saw her. One conversation we had was this… I had told her that I hadn’t wanted to go back on medication or see a counselor because I wanted to fight this on my own. I didn’t want to have to have help. H asked me, “So when you go to your doctor and take the medication, who is giving that to you?” “Me.” “And when you come here to see me and I give you homework and you go home and do it, Who is doing it?” “Me.” OK. I get the point. So I am really doing the work towards getting better. I am trying to see that in a different light. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
One counselor I had in the past hospitalized me for something I had written. What I had written pertained to wanting to be taken care of. I wasn’t suicidal or self-harming. Anyway, for some reason that I don’t understand T took me to the hospital. So I am going to have a conversation with H, next time I go see her about this. I need to know from the beginning, at what point she would hospitalize me. I need to know if it is safe to openly talk about if I feel the desire to hurt myself or if I need to hide that. I am able to talk to my Pastor openly about it and she lets me talk it out. If I can’t talk to H about it, I’ll just keep that part for my Pastor.
So the last month or so has been SUPER hard! The last two weeks I was in a really deep funk. I was just so depressed and wanting to hurt myself a lot. I did hurt myself once. I talked to my Pastor about it afterwards. A lot of times I will text my Pastor, S and tell her that I’m promising to be safe. This time I didn’t. S asked me why I didn’t tell her. I told her, because I didn’t want to be safe. Which was the truth. If I had wanted to be safe, I would have reached out. Anyway so this week, I don’t feel the deep depression but I am still tired and completely unmotivated. I don’t know how to describe the difference. Both places, I don’t feel like caring. I don’t feel like I want to do anything but watch Netflix or sleep. But they are a bit different.
So yesterday was the last day for unemployment. I have an interview tomorrow for a possible personal assistant position. It would only be 10 hrs a week at $15 an hour, but at least its something. I am hoping to get it, just so I can keep up with my bills and get necessities. I am down to $15 a month for food stamps because of the amount I was getting on unemployment. I’m thinking now maybe I can get a little more. I’ve got to call and talk them next week. Once I figure out what’s happening with the interview tomorrow.
I am completely stepping back from the friendship with Dani. I’ve taken her off Facebook. After we hung out last time, I had messaged her a couple of times but she didn’t respond. And her Boyfriend was constantly tagging her in pictures of the two of them. It was just really hard seeing the pictures and thinking about her. I still think about her quite a bit, especially when I read a love story. I hate when people talk about ever ‘being in love.’ I have, she just wasn’t in love back.
I went up and dog sat, for the family that has Wyatt. They were gone last weekend so I went and took care of the animals. That is three dogs and two cats. It was SO nice to spend all that time with the animals, especially Wyatt. Plus I had the house to myself, so had my own space to do what I want, when I want. It was a nice break from being around people all the time. I went and got Pizza Hut for supper Friday night. It was so delicious!
I am also no longer dancing at this point. It’s a long story, but I feel OK about it. I may go back to it some day, just not right now.
Well I think that is all for now. I hope you are all well.
Love & Peace,
I got back a little while ago from visiting Wyatt. He was SO very excited to see me, and jumped up and down. We went for some good walks over the weekend. Not very long ones but long enough. We went farther Saturday noonish, but a big, black dog came out of one of the neighboring yards, just past the usual turn around point. Because of the dog bite I received last August, any large dog, unsupervised and barking, makes me nervous. The big dog came out but we had passed far enough that he didn’t follow. He stayed out in road for awhile, so we continued farther, hoping he would go back to his yard. Finally Wyatt wanted to cross the road, so we headed back. I started praying that God would send the dog home. I really didn’t want to have to deal with another big dog. Finally, I saw the dog go back towards his yard. Then when we got back to that area, I saw a black cat in the ditch on the other side of the road. So I’m not sure if it was the dog I was seeing the whole time or the cat too. My eyesight isn’t good from a distance, so I’m not sure. I did thank God though that the dog had gone away by the time we got back to the area.
So the weekend went fairly well. I got some great snuggles from Wyatt. He slept by me at night, which was nice. This morning, after taking my shower, I took everything out to the car. I let Wyatt come out with me so he could pee, as I wasn’t ready to leave yet. As soon as I opened the door to go out, he bee lined it to my car, like “OK, Mom! Lets go!” I put my stuff in the car and waited for him to explore a bit and do his business. Then we went back inside for a bit. I laid on the couch with Wyatt for a little bit and was feeling some anxiety so decided it was time to get it over with. I got ready and took Wyatt for another walk. Then when I came back in, talked for a little bit longer before leaving.
While I was sitting on the couch talking to J&L. Wyatt was sitting on my lap. I was petting him and then all of a sudden he jumped down and went over to J. J started giving him some pets. Wyatt was looking at me with this really sad expression in his eyes. I felt like since he went to J, it was a good time for me to go. I got up and petted Wyatt good bye. And then said my other good byes and left. I cried most of the way back to town, which is roughly an hour and a half drive. I kept picturing his sad eyes. I made a connection on the way back to town which was this. When I moved from WI to OR, my brother J was about 7 yrs old, and I was about 23. He had those same sad eyes, and I felt horrible for leaving him behind. I felt the same way today, when I left Wyatt.
I then went to my friend T&D’s house before church. It was good to have that distraction after leaving Wyatt. Then at 5pm, I went to church. There were quite a few times where I felt like I just wanted to cry during church. I also always enjoy singing but tonight just didn’t have the energy. I just listened to everyone else sing instead.
I got home a little before 9pm tonight. G&C were home and in their bedroom, doing some work on their laptop. I said hi and told them how my weekend was before taking my stuff to my room. I then went back to ask them how their weekend had been. G had been gone all week for work so I haven’t seen him in awhile. I went into their room and asked them if they were busy. C said, “Yes! But…” So I asked them how their weekends were and then said goodnight. I feel a lot like she is too busy for me to talk. I really just wanted to talk some. Not necessarily about specifics but I guess I just wanted some validation or something. I don’t really know what I wanted. I just feel kind of emotionally lost right now, and felt like I needed something….
L sent me a message and said that Wyatt did OK when I left. He whined a little but not much, and then went and sat on the couch where I had been sitting.
That is all for this post…
Love & Peace