Tag Archives: Prayer


I’m not sure if I mentioned that the first week into my therapy, I started smoking again. I’ve been smoking American Spirits (which are the “healthier” kind). They are also a bit more expensive then the Marlboro’s I used to smoke. I’ve been praying that God will show me when it’s time to quit, and give me the strength to do so. So tonight I went to buy some cigarettes. I figured in the long run, it would be cheaper to just buy a carton. It’s not. At least not where I bought them at. Anyway, where I bought them at, they are $64 for a carton. That’s a lot of money, when you don’t have much to begin with. I had exactly $64 in cash. I went ahead and bought them. Then as I was driving home, I started calculating how much it was costing me to smoke. Due to my stress and addiction, I’ve been smoking anywhere between 7-10 a day. That is half a pack if I round up to 10 cigarettes. After I got home, these are the numbers I came up with. I just rounded it to 10 a day to make it easier. The numbers are below…

Carton    = $64.00
Pack       = $6.40
Pack       = 20 Cigarettes
Cigarette = $0.32 each
Day x10  = $3.20/day
Week      = $22.40
Month     = $89.60
Year        = $1,075.20

Now some places I’ve bought cigarettes at, they cost $7.25 or so. That’s the one price I remember that was over $7. That puts the yearly price at $1,218. That’s almost a pay check right there.

So now my prayer has changed. My prayer now is for God to help me quit by the end of this carton of cigarettes. There have been times that I will be smoking a cigarette and when I get half done, I’m ready to be done for that time. There are also times where I smoke most of it but not quite all of it. I feel like God is helping me to wean off of them. I have also noticed that they aren’t helping as much as I felt they were in the beginning. My anxiety is still there, and I don’t even get the head rush I used to get. Sometimes, I feel like they burn my throat, at which point I put it out. This is usually about half way down the cigarette. I really want to cut back to 5 a day. I know this is going to be very hard to do. I need to get some suckers to help me, so that is something I can do tomorrow.

Smoking is a constant battle for me. The other part of my prayer is that I can be done smoking, permanently after I quit this time.

Love & Peace


Thank You, God!

On the way to my pet sitting gig, tonight, I saw a beautiful sunset. The following poem is my prayer.

Thank you, Lord, for the beautiful sunset
Your artwork across the sky

Thank you for your love and compassion
Your protection and guidance

Thank you for your Son
Who died on the cross

Thank you for the sun
That sits in the sky

You are a majestic God

Angry At God…

I am feeling pretty angry at God lately. I am angry that He allowed me to have a mother who hated me. I am angry that He allowed me to have BPD, Depression, Anxiety, and other mental issues. I am angry that He allowed me to get a job that I am not getting hours at. Which means I need to find something else. I am angry that I had to live with an aunt and uncle who don’t like animals, so I had to have someone else care for my dog. I am angry that I am so stressed and depressed, I can’t look for another job. I am angry that I don’t have a clue as to what I want to do with my life. I want to be an author but am not motivated to figure out how to publish my books. I am angry that because of how I was raised and other people that have been in my life, I have such low self-esteem that I can’t believe that I am any good or worth anything good. I am angry that God won’t heal me. I know it takes time, but I’m sick of time. I’m sick of trying my best, which is never good enough for anyone else. And it’s not good enough for me either. I should be out there tackling the world, and I don’t know how. I’m just angry that God doesn’t show Him self in an obvious way so that I know He is there. I know there are little things and I see them once in awhile, but right now I need to see Him, because I don’t feel like there is any other hope. I’M ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY!!!



In my time zone, I still have 50 minutes to get my D blog in, so I’m going for it.

D is for Distressing. I worked the 2 pm to 10 pm shift tonight. It stunk! The girl who was on as manager tonight is not a nice person. Oh she’s very nice to her buddies, but to me she’s not. She made tonight horrible, and I am very thankful that I don’t work this shift all the time. Then when I only had three hours left and was sort of holding things together, I went into one residents room. M started talking about Easter and what it means, which led to a conversation about different denominations. It was a good conversation though, so I was OK with it. He never at all said that one denomination is better then another, which is good. Anyway as I was getting ready to leave, I took his hand, and he just started praying for me and my life. I wasn’t expecting this, and it of course made it harder to hold things together. I made it out of there, and through the rest of the evening, though there were a few other times, where I almost lost it. Then night shift came in and the night manager is really nice.S told me that H shouldn’t talk to me or treat me the way she does. She suggested that I talk to head administration about it. I haven’t fully decided what I’m going to do yet, but am considering it. I guess there have been some other issues with this person too. I just hate having to be a whistle blower and really just want a job where I can, just chill out for once. My last job I got someone fired because he was being inappropriate to me. Thankfully, for me, it was his third offense, so they sent him on his way. I’m just tired of being the one who has to stand up to people all the time. I mean it’s either stand up about this or just deal with it, and go home crying every time I work with her. This isn’t the first time she has treated me this way. So anyway, when S was talking to me, I almost broke down, but barely held it together. Then I made it to my car and let it go. I’m home now, showered and ready for bed.

On another note, I have two cigarettes left in my pack. Tomorrow, after I smoke them, I am quitting. My cough is getting a lot worse. I went to my doctor a week, or two weeks ago (I can’t remember). She gave me an inhaler, and some cough pearls, and more sudafed (the good kind). Nothing seems to be doing much. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with smoking. I had issues last time I smoked, where I was waking up in the middle of the night wheezing. I was hoping that it was because I was smoking menthol cigarettes at the time. I was hoping that I could get away with smoking this time. Evidently not! Anyway, so I’m going to quit. Now I know, I just can’t smoke. In the long run, this is good. I just feel like I need a vice but it can’t be smoking. I know, I know…exercise! I hate exercise!!! Unless I’m walking my dog, who I don’t have right now, or walking/exercising, with someone else.

Sometimes, life really stinks!

A Positive Day…

Last night I went to my friend N’s house to spend the night. Today was a Pray and Play church program in Portland. I spent the night at N’s so that I would already be closer and could ride with her. The big bonus to this was spending some extra one-on-one time with her, which I always enjoy. The Pray and Play was a big blessing. We had some small group activities. The pastor leading, C, always tries to get us to get into groups with people we don’t know a lot about. I ended up in a group of just me and one other person, K. I was thankful for only the two of us being in a group, and it seemed like she did too. K is a very special person and we seemed to connect well. When we first got into a group, we were sitting in front of a few women who thought they needed to talk, while C talked up front. As soon as we got a chance, K turned to me and said, “we need to move.” I was like, “Yeah, we do!” So we relocated. I then told her I wished I could say something to the women behind us, but didn’t have the guts. So we did our group activities, which focused on prayer and three women from the Bible, who saw Christ. Anna who saw HIm as an infant, The Bent Over Woman who needed healing, and the women who went to the tomb after Jesus had been risen. We then had to tie these women into our lives and talked about how we can see Christ in even small things, if we are looking. After we came back together, we again ended up sitting in front of the women who thought they needed to talk. I thought it was funny because K and I both turned at the same time and said, “Shh..” The women were quiet after that. One thing I really appreciated about K was that she had healing hands. I am the type of person that if I know you, I will put my hand on your shoulder when I talk or touch your arm. I do this a lot where I work. One resident told me I had healing hands, by doing this. It felt nice to be on the receiving side of this. It was also nice that K felt comfortable doing this, when she didn’t know me well. I will say that not everyone who does this, I feel comfortable with; but in this case, it made me feel good.

So after Pray and Play, I rode home with N, and then got my stuff and headed back to my home. When I got home, I took a nap. Then I decided I REALLY needed to stop procrastinating and mow the lawn. When I was out doing yard work the other day, I had done some pruning on the rose bushes out back, but hadn’t picked up the branches. So I needed to do that before mowing. I went over to start picking up the yard. I bent over and all of a sudden heard this, what I thought, was loud buzzing. It was really loud and I thought it was a big bug. I kind of jumped and looked to see what it was. There was a hummingbird drinking from the blueberry bush flowers. I wished I had my camera and then decided to just enjoy it while it was there, instead of stressing about having my camera. I watched it for a couple of minutes before it flew off. I got a big warm feeling in my chest as I watched it. I felt thankful that God had blessed me so much today.

Then about half an hour ago, I decided to go get the mail, as I hadn’t gotten it since Thursday. In the mail was a letter from the little boy I sponsor in Columbia. It put another big smile in my heart.

God blesses me everyday, but today I was watching and saw so many blessings. I am so thankful tonight!

Now it’s time to go take a relaxing bath and head to bed.


Peace, Come to Me!

The last couple of days, I’ve been really good at holding on to peace. We had a “meeting” on Saturday afternoon and I did really well with it. I was able to let certain things go and look at things a little differently. One thing that has been brought up in both of our meetings, was clean-up in the kitchen after cooking. I’m not sure why exactly this was brought up as I have been really good about keeping the kitchen clean after using it. There have been a couple of times where I had forgotten to clean out the frying pan, but that is all. And lately I had been waiting for it to cool first, so would be waiting until I finished eating. That was the issue my aunt had, in our first meeting. So this morning, I went down to get breakfast, and there are a couple knives left out, the counters were not wiped up, and there was a bunch of celery in the sink. So this is very frustrating to me. I understand this is not my house, so yeah they can do whatever they like, but if you are OCD about me cleaning the kitchen, why is it not OCD for you to clean the kitchen. Then my aunt just blames my uncle, whenever it’s messy, though I’ve seen her leaving things out too and forget to clean the frying pan, but it’s always his fault. A lot of times it is like she makes him do everything just so she doesn’t have to take responsibility if something goes wrong. It’s everyone else’s fault!

So today I am trying to breathe, and let go of the anger and frustration that I feel building in my chest. I am hoping that once I get to work, I can get my mind off it too. Am asking God to give me peace.

Love & Peace