Tag Archives: Frustrated

Drug Test

This morning I had to go fill out the new hire paper work, and take a drug test. The drug test was one they give there at work. Then it shows up on the side of the cup, if there are drugs in your system. I didn’t even think about the fact that eating a bagel with whole poppy seeds for breakfast would effect it. I didn’t even think about it until the test tested positive for opiates. So now they have to send the test to the lab, which could take at least a week. So the job has to wait until after that.  I wish I would have remembered that poppy seeds can have that effect, and I would have had something else for breakfast. I am feeling very defeated!




I mentioned in a previous post, how my brakes got changed over the weekend. Here’s another part to that story. So on Friday, I was supposed to go do some make-up hours for my aunt and uncle. I owe them 47 hours. Some of that time was because I was sick (mentally) and then in the hospital. They are still expecting me to owe them for that time, which on one hand I understand. The other hand, if it were my niece things would be different. Of course I’m more understanding of people then they are. It’s the way they go about it, that pisses me off. For Friday’s plans, I canceled.  It’s a 45 minute drive to get there from my place. I didn’t feel safe driving there with my brakes being as they were. The email I got in return from my aunt was to tell me how much it inconvenienced her and my uncle that I couldn’t come and clean. As if I could help my brakes going out. Or that I was just canceling to sit around and be lazy. I rescheduled for Monday.Then as of Saturday, I hadn’t heard from D yet, so figured he was busy and I went ahead and canceled for Monday. The next day I would be available was Thursday. I told my aunt I could come then. She said that wouldn’t work for them, and neither would the weekends. There is really no reason why any of those days wouldn’t work. She’s home all day unless they are dancing but that’s usually in the evening. Since I lived there a year, there was no reason why I would even need to bother her. Then on Sunday, D WAS able to fix my brakes. I very well could have gone Monday, but I was so overstimulated by the large crowd on Sunday, and know that I had therapy for two days after that, I chose to not say anything about it, and stayed home to relax. I need to take care of myself, and that comes first. Then tonight I was talking to my friend M, and she suggested sending an email to my aunt and uncle saying that right now I need to focus on the rest of my therapy and then finding a job. Once I do those things, we can regroup and discuss when and how I can pay them back for the hours I owe. I went with it. I sent the email already and am interested in seeing the response I get. M also suggested that once I get a job, I could pay them back in cash or part cash, so I wouldn’t owe them so many hours. I’m thinking I may do that also.

So that is the rest of the story. I have to blog about it because it makes me mad, angry and frustrated. I am learning on setting boundaries and this is one huge one that is very hard to set. I shouldn’t have to be worrying about it right now. I’ve got my own SHIT to work on, and that is top priority right now.


Climbing Up, Maybe…

So overall today was a fairly good day! Once I got to work and through my 4 hour shift, I was feeling better. I came home and took a nap, and then had to go to a work meeting. Work is just up the road, so not to far. Things were going pretty well. I felt like I was climbing out of the pit.

Now I’m just pissed though. Work meetings are hard because it’s a big reminder of how I’m NOT like the rest of the coworkers. In reality, it shouldn’t be a bad thing, but a lot of times it feels like it is. I don’t feel understood, and don’t feel like I know how to understand or relate to them. I am an empath, and as far as I can tell none of them are. It’s frustrating when a resident is dealing with depression or anxiety and everyone is complaining about how it is in their head or a behavior issue. And I can’t say anything to the contrary because they don’t know about me, and probably wouldn’t listen to me anyway. I don’t connect with any of them really, and it’s frustrating. I don’t have any friends in this area and that is hard too. All of my friends are 40 mins or so away. I can’t just go hang out when I want to. Living at my aunt and uncles has become extremely stressful and I spend most of my time in my room. Unless I am getting food or doing the cleaning I do each week for them, that is where I stay. Sometimes I feel very isolated. I don’t have money to go out though, so can’t just leave.

The other reason I am pissed is because we got our schedules today. Last month, I had 12 full day-shifts and the rest were half days. This month, I only had 8 full day-shifts and the rest half days, and now next month only 6 full day-shifts. I have told them I need more hours, but I’m actually getting less. It has been obvious for quite awhile that I am no longer welcome at my Aunt and Uncles. It is like my Aunt is trying to piss me off, so I move and then she doesn’t have to kick me out and be the bad guy. I was REALLY hoping to have more hours this next month, so I could find a new place to live. Now her family is coming at the end of March, and I will get to hear the whole month about how her family would be staying in the guest room if it wasn’t occupied. She already told me that two weeks ago, at our “meeting” we had. It’s obvious she doesn’t want me here but what am I supposed to do if I don’t have the money?

I’ve been praying for God to take care of this and obviously my time isn’t His time. I don’t know how much longer I can take it though. It’s really hard living somewhere, where you aren’t wanted. It’s hard to be isolated to one room of the house, and no where to go, to get a break once in awhile.

I just feel like I’m stuck without any options…AGAIN!


Wow! Three Months! >WARNING: MAY TRIGGER<

Hello All,
Sorry I haven’t written in 3 months. Things have been tough for me emotionally and I’ve been doing some isolating. I still go to church and meet with my Pastor, so that is helping me get out a little bit. I thought about writing but just didn’t feel like I had anything good to say. I still don’t know if I do or not, but wanted you to know I’m still alive and kicking.

I have been really good about taking my meds and checking up with my doctor. She has raised my Zoloft and also put me on Vitamin D and Fish Oil. I started seeing a counselor, H, and she wanted me to go on Fish Oil. I am hoping these will help me. H is REALLY cool! As soon as we walked into her office, I knew I would like her. The first thing she did was take off her shoes, and that is what I do too. There were a lot of things I like about her and I’m hoping this can be a good fit. Something has got to be figured out here. I’m SO tired of feeling this way. H explained some things to me and validated some feelings I didn’t even realize, why, until I saw her. One conversation we had was this… I had told her that I hadn’t wanted to go back on medication or see a counselor because I wanted to fight this on my own. I didn’t want to have to have help. H asked me, “So when you go to your doctor and take the medication, who is giving that to you?” “Me.” “And when you come here to see me and I give you homework and you go home and do it, Who is doing it?” “Me.” OK. I get the point. So I am really doing the work towards getting better. I am trying to see that in a different light. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

One counselor I had in the past hospitalized me for something I had written. What I had written pertained to wanting to be taken care of. I wasn’t suicidal or self-harming. Anyway, for some reason that I don’t understand T took me to the hospital. So I am going to have a conversation with H, next time I go see her about this. I need to know from the beginning, at what point she would hospitalize me. I need to know if it is safe to openly talk about if I feel the desire to hurt myself or if I need to hide that. I am able to talk to my Pastor openly about it and she lets me talk it out. If I can’t talk to H about it, I’ll just keep that part for my Pastor.

So the last month or so has been SUPER hard! The last two weeks I was in a really deep funk. I was just so depressed and wanting to hurt myself a lot. I did hurt myself once. I talked to my Pastor about it afterwards. A lot of times I will text my Pastor, S and tell her that I’m promising to be safe. This time I didn’t. S asked me why I didn’t tell her. I told her, because I didn’t want to be safe. Which was the truth. If I had wanted to be safe, I would have reached out. Anyway so this week, I don’t feel the deep depression but I am still tired and completely unmotivated. I don’t know how to describe the difference. Both places, I don’t feel like caring. I don’t feel like I want to do anything but watch Netflix or sleep. But they are a bit different.

So yesterday was the last day for unemployment. I have an interview tomorrow for a possible personal assistant position. It would only be 10 hrs a week at $15 an hour, but at least its something. I am hoping to get it, just so I can keep up with my bills and get necessities. I am down to $15 a month for food stamps because of the amount I was getting on unemployment. I’m thinking now maybe I can get a little more. I’ve got to call and talk them next week. Once I figure out what’s happening with the interview tomorrow.

I am completely stepping back from the friendship with Dani. I’ve taken her off Facebook. After we hung out last time, I had messaged her a couple of times but she didn’t respond. And her Boyfriend was constantly tagging her in pictures of the two of them. It was just really hard seeing the pictures and thinking about her. I still think about her quite a bit, especially when I read a love story. I hate when people talk about ever ‘being in love.’ I have, she just wasn’t in love back.

I went up and dog sat, for the family that has Wyatt. They were gone last weekend so I went and took care of the animals. That is three dogs and two cats. It was SO nice to spend all that time with the animals, especially Wyatt. Plus I had the house to myself, so had my own space to do what I want, when I want. It was a nice break from being around people all the time. I went and got Pizza Hut for supper Friday night. It was so delicious!

I am also no longer dancing at this point. It’s a long story, but I feel OK about it. I may go back to it some day, just not right now.

Well I think that is all for now. I hope you are all well.

Love & Peace,


So I’m indecisive today… My phone is not charging correctly and I need to get a new one soon before this one hits the dust. I’m trying to work on a budget and putting a new phone into the budget. I’ve been working with a friend on a budget, so was talking to her today. The phones that I could get with the company I’m with (that I would want) is a smartphone for a $100 or a flip phone for $35. I really don’t want to go backwards to a flip phone, but I’m afraid that with a smartphone, I would be tempted to use the internet. I don’t want to be one of those people who are always on a device. I want to remember to look at the world around me. They don’t have another version of the phone I have, so its only these two options. When I have to make decisions like this, it really stresses me out and I go back and forth on it a lot.

I was also a little frustrated because when I was talking to my friend, she said that I would need to work some overtime at my job in order to afford a new phone. What she and most people don’t understand, and I didn’t think to tell her this, is that working 40 hours a week is already exhausting to me. I don’t know that I could handle overtime. I really need my two days off a week in order to survive my sanity. I am irritated with the fact that it seems to be my two choices are; 1) have time to yourself and no money, or 2) have money and no time to yourself. It doesn’t seem fair. I know it wouldn’t have to be a long term thing but I don’t want to burn myself out, which is what would end up happening.

I have only been at this job for 4 months. My last job I had was on-call 24/7. I didn’t get any days off unless I specifically requested it. There were a lot of times where I didn’t get the hours that I needed but still felt like I couldn’t do anything because I was attached to a pager and had to be within an hour of the office. This job was a high stress level job with a very negative atmosphere. Even though I didn’t always work EVERY day or only worked a few hours here and there; I got burned out from it. I worked there for two years. Now with my new job, I am really trying to learn how to take care of myself. My other thing is that if I start giving in and working over time, they will expect that from me. They need to know that I am not available all the time, and at this point, I don’t think I’m willing to give in to that. Yes, I can be very stubborn. I also have a dog, who I already feel has been neglected lately because even on my days off, I’ve been busy. He needs to see me some of the time. I am trying to figure out how to stay home more on my days off as it is, and not be running around all the time. Its a work in process right now.

I’ve had other people tell me too how they’ve worked long hours overtime in their life and suggest that I should do it. I’m not like them and can’t handle that. I know that sounds like I am lazy but it probably has more to do with my low energy level (which I’ve always had) and the depression I deal with on a daily basis. I am not one of those people who can or want to run myself ragged. I need time to myself.

I am tired of letting these type of decisions stress me out so much. Its so hard to just decide and then let it go.

Love & Peace