Tag Archives: Friends

Seven More Days…

Seven more days until the 16th! The 16th is a good day! My friend J is coming out from Texas, so we are meeting up for dinner. I have a counseling appointment with an awesome counselor. AND that is the end of the poetry contest I entered, so I should find out shortly after, that I won. I’m trying all the visualization stuff, people are always talking about. I am visualizing a check with $1000 dollars written on it in my name. I am picturing my poems in the magazine, as the winning person. I’m also praying that I win. It’s been a couple months since I’ve been working, and I could really use the money to pay some extra bills. I could also use the “being published” part. That way when I get my books finished, it will be easier to get an agent, so that I can publish my books. I know I could self-publish, and that’s good for those that do, but I feel like if my things are good enough to be published, then I should be payed to have it done, rather then having to pay for it myself. I also am not motivated enough to go through with self-publishing.

So seven more days until the day comes!!!

Love & Peace
Devin

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Graduation!

Today I graduated from Intensive Outpatient Therapy. It was a good and sad feeling. It’s good to be through it but I will SO miss everyone. This includes group members and most of the staff. Everyone in therapy was so understanding and encouraging. At the end of the day, those of us leaving, had to fill out a synopsis. This had questions about what fears we had upon going into therapy, what we got of it and what we would say to new people. Those a just a few. Then during daily reflections, we read it instead of doing our regular reflection paper. Then after reading the synopsis, others can comment or ask questions. Everyone said really nice things about me. I had mentioned earlier in the day that I had a blog, and so everyone wanted the website to it, so I wrote it on the board. Also, I had texted R last night about my poetry contest and she told me to bring my poems. I brought them and shared them with everyone. Well, R read one of them during morning check-ins and I shared the others later. Everyone really enjoyed my poems and said they were really good. That made me feel really good. I can’t wait until after the contest so that I can share with all of you too. Also since I posted about my anxiety this morning, I want everyone to know that it is mostly gone right now. D and his friend are supposed to come over tomorrow and do some yard work for my housemates. I haven’t heard from him for most of the week, so hopefully that is still in is plan. I can’t wait to see him again!

So that was my day. Hopefully I can get some more organizing done this weekend. I really need to figure out how to downsize.

Love & Peace
Devin

Hard Day!

This morning was really good, but the afternoon was hard. In our CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) group, we talked about Automatic Negative Thoughts and switching them around. I talked about how my theory is that once everyone gets to know me, they won’t like me. I have always felt this way and had this fear. I shared this as a generalization thought. Then another woman J, was talking about feeling like a burden to her family, and the word projection came up. S, the therapist asked if J was projecting that onto her family, and then talked about that. Some how the realization came to me, that my mother must have been projecting her insecurities onto me. I still don’t understand how someone can use their insecurities to abuse others, because I would never do that, so can’t understand it. I do, however, feel like it’s a break through and maybe I AM actually working through some of this crap. I was very thankful for a couple of good therapists, and my friend C. who were there for me. After I got home, I was so emotionally drained, I had to take a cat nap. Now it’s time to start working on some packing things.

Love & Peace
Devin

Happy Birthday!

I texted my blogging friend Jules tonight to ask her a question. She called me back and as soon as I answered, she started singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me. When she finished, I said, “thank you, but it’s a few month’s early.” My birthday is in October. She had misread my B Day post and thought I meant my B-day, instead of writing the letter B day. She may have been a few months off, but she totally made my night. I’m still smiling about it.

And Jules, you can totally by me an EARLY Birthday drink, when we hang out. LOL

And thank you so much for making my night better (it was already going pretty good)!

Love ya!
Devin

Feeling Loved!

So after being SO depressed yesterday, I still didn’t have the energy to go to church today. There are days when I’m down and don’t want to go, but will still attend. Today the idea of getting off work at 2pm, rushing home for a quick nap, shower and then to drive 40 minutes to church, to get there by 5pm, was extremely overwhelming. So I decided I needed to just stay home and do nothing tonight. One reason I haven’t looked for another church just because it’s closer, is because I work most Sundays and then can still go to church in the evening. Another reason is the idea of trying a new church by myself is overwhelming. My church is small and we meet in member’s homes, so it wasn’t quite as intimidating to me at first. Anyway, back to my story. So tonight I didn’t go to church. Normally, I would text someone and tell them I wasn’t coming. Usually my Pastor/Friend S or friend D. Anyway, tonight I guess I kind of wanted them to worry about me. I wanted to know that someone cared about me, and even if that made them mad that I didn’t let them know, I didn’t care. And I know this sounds really bad, but I think it is still the BPD showing it’s ugly head right now. So I didn’t text. After a little bit S texted me and said she was missing me. Then D also texted and said she missed me and hoped everything was alright. I responded to both saying I was tired and had a hard last couple of days. After Church, S texted me and asked if she could call. I said she could. So she called and then passed the phone around to the rest of my church family. It was very uplifting to hear everyone’s voices and to hear that they missed me and were thinking of me. Quite a few said they loved me and missed my hugs. My Pastor’s husband who is also a pastor, told me that he was proud of me, for taking care of myself today. It was nice to get the validation. So even though I’m tired and still feeling a bit off, I will be going to bed tonight, knowing I am loved and cared for. I really needed that phone call tonight! S has no idea, what it REALLY meant to me.

Love & Peace
Devin

LIES! It’s All Lies!

I’m not even sure how to start this post out. I’ve been in a funk lately. When I get into a funk like this, I believe that everything nice, people say about me is a lie. Even when I’m not in a funk I don’t totally believe it, but it’s even worse when I’m in a funk. People at work tell me, that most of the residents like me a lot. A lot of the residents¬†tell me that I’m their favorite caregiver. They tell me that I do a good job. People from my church tell me nice things. They tell me that they’ve adopted me as family. These people tell me these things over and over again. I just can’t bring myself to believe it. Somewhere deep inside of me is a bad root that tells me these are lies. This root tells me that these people are just trying to be nice. That they pity my sensitivity and so tell me these things, so as not to hurt my feelings. For some reason it is easier to believe this bad root, then all the people telling me good things. It makes me hate myself because either all these people are liars and lying to me, or I can’t figure out how to believe the truth.

It doesn’t help that I have a couple people who say they want to hang out but when it comes right down to it, they are too busy. Or I always have to take the initiative which is really tiring. Or they make plans within earshot or right next to me, and then I just feel left out. I just need one friend who wants the same from me as I do from them. Someone who will call ME up, and say, “let’s go get coffee.” My best friend who I could do this with is in WI and too far away.

I guess I’m just lonely and wishing for someone to want to actually be my friend and not just in words but also in actions. Sometimes I think I am just to much for people and they can’t handle me, so just put up a front when I’m around.

Devin

Best Friends

Tonight I was watching an episode of Gilmore Girls where Paris and Rory get into a huge fight. They get called into Headmaster Charleston’s office, for a talk. It reminded me of 6th grade when my best friend M and I got called to the principal’s office.

So MW and I were best friends in 6th grade.¬†We were in the same grade and in the same homeroom. We played together at recess and told all of our secrets to each other. We hung out at each other’s houses and had sleepovers. MW and I were in inseparable.
Then one day we got into this huge fight. I don’t remember what it was about or how long it lasted, but it was big. I was so mad at MW and she was so mad at me. Then one day I got an idea. I wrote a note to myself. It wasn’t a nice note and I used my left hand. I asked Mr. V if I could go to the principals office, and give the note to the principal. I gave the note to Mr. A and thought for sure that MW would be in the worst trouble. Instead Mr. A had both of us sit in his office and we got a big lecture about friendship, and how important friends are. After the lecture, I don’t know how long it took us to make up, but we eventually did. That wasn’t our last fight but we got through it. We were still friends on Facebook until I deactivated mine.

Friendship IS important and I wish I had understood how important in 6th grade. I’ve learned a lot since then, and know now, better how to appreciate my friends in my life. My friends now aren’t just about what they can do for me, but what we can do for each other.

Love & Peace
Devin