I just called my Dad for Father’s Day. We had a nice talk. He told me though, that my brother and his girlfriend just bought a house. He also told me that my brother is trying to start his own Roofing business. My brother is 4 1/2 years younger then me. I am 31 and barely surviving. I woke up depressed this morning because of some triggering dreams. The transitional housing fell through, for now. I might be able to do it in the future but for now, it’s not an option. This has created more tension here, as my roommates really want me out. Almost every time I go upstairs she asks me if I’ve been looking or found anything out yet. I’m just really depressed and need to talk to someone but don’t know who to talk too. Lately I just haven’t had the energy to blog. I would say my mood is about a 2 this morning.
This morning I am having anxiety chest pains. At least that’s what I think they are. I have them every once in awhile. Usually it’ll just be one and then go away. Today it’s coming and going. I’ve only had one major anxiety attack in my life. It felt like a heart attack. It was horrible! Today is my last day in therapy, and I believe that has a lot to do with it. Also, since it’s my last day, it means I have to tackle the job thing next week, which causes anxiety. I finally received an email from my aunt about when I can go pick up the rest of my stuff, and I think that is also causing anxiety.
So that is how I’m doing right now.
I was thinking a lot about how my Neurosis is 99%. I have wondered for a long time, how I can be so messed up but hold things together. How am I keeping this job? Or having my own apartment (In the past)? Why am I not going off the deep end? Sometimes, I feel like such a fraud. And I’m constantly thinking about what would happen if someday I completely lost control. These thoughts were on my mind A LOT tonight. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I kept going back to the black and white thinking of everyone must hate me. It’s really driving me nuts!
I worked the 2-10 pm shift tonight. When I was getting off my shift, I went downstairs to the nurses station, and night shift, med aid S was there. She said hi to me and I was like, “Hey! How’s it going?” Then all of a sudden she says, “I just love R (me by my real name), whenever R comes around it just makes me so happy. There are no complaints about R and everyone loves her.” Ummm…what? I’ve heard this a lot that residents really love me and never complain about me. I don’t understand it! Why can’t I just believe it. I always feel like everyone is just saying these things, that they aren’t really true. And I am always terrified that people will get to know me and then not like me. Of course I already think they don’t like me. That they are just being nice because they know I’m sensitive, or something. Why can’t I just believe them???
I feel like I’m 2 different people. The person they see, or think I am; and then the person inside my head, who is bat-shit crazy.
I really just want the craziness to stop!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my fears and insecurities. There are a lot of them. I am trying hard to figure out how to overcome them. I do make friends easily, but am always afraid they will get sick of me or abandon me. I am afraid that if they truly knew what I was feeling or thinking, they wouldn’t like me anymore. People tell me all the time that I am a talented, amazing person but I don’t see it. I know I’m creative but always feel everyone else is better then me. I’m tired of comparing myself to others but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to be ok with who I am. I don’t know how to stop putting my value in what others think. Though a lot of my recent friends say that I’m a special person, I don’t see it. I wish I could just see a fraction of what others saw in me. I wish I could have the confidence that I show on the outside (at times). I don’t want to see this in a prideful way but a humble way. Just enough so I can believe in myself.
Love & Peace
So this morning I had the worst possible dream ever. I dreamt, I had gone to visit the people working at the doggy daycare, I used to work at. I took Wyatt along with me. This is weird for starters, because he is not the friendliest dog. He is a chihuahua mix and definitely has their personality type. For some reason in my dream though he was fine. Which is also weird. So I went around and said hi to all the people I still knew there. During this time, Wyatt wasn’t with me. After visiting for a couple of hours, it was time to head out, so I went looking for Wyatt. I couldn’t find him anywhere. We were all looking but couldn’t find him. Then the one Dog Attendant N., was on the phone. When she got off the phone, she said that the vet thought a big Saint Bernard, Chancellor had eaten him. The leash was with the dog and they were going to take him in for an XRAY to find out. I of course started crying, and then woke up. I didn’t hear what the verdict was. When I woke up, I had a very heavy heart. I talked Wyatt into coming under the blankets for some cuddles before we got up, which helped a lot.
I’ve heard that your subconscious can come out in dreams. I do know that I have a fear of something happening to Wyatt. I don’t know what I would do without him. We are each others world, though I do have a world outside of the house and he doesn’t. I live to come back home to see him. He is also what keeps me sane. He keeps me on track, as I know I have to keep a job to keep a roof over our heads, and so forth. Not saying that I would plan on leaving my job now, but when I worked my old crappy job, I had to stick with it until I found another. I couldn’t just quit, like I’ve done at past jobs.
Now I’m feeling a little better, and it’s time to go and get ready for work.
Love & Peace