I just called my Dad for Father’s Day. We had a nice talk. He told me though, that my brother and his girlfriend just bought a house. He also told me that my brother is trying to start his own Roofing business. My brother is 4 1/2 years younger then me. I am 31 and barely surviving. I woke up depressed this morning because of some triggering dreams. The transitional housing fell through, for now. I might be able to do it in the future but for now, it’s not an option. This has created more tension here, as my roommates really want me out. Almost every time I go upstairs she asks me if I’ve been looking or found anything out yet. I’m just really depressed and need to talk to someone but don’t know who to talk too. Lately I just haven’t had the energy to blog. I would say my mood is about a 2 this morning.
I was thinking a lot about how my Neurosis is 99%. I have wondered for a long time, how I can be so messed up but hold things together. How am I keeping this job? Or having my own apartment (In the past)? Why am I not going off the deep end? Sometimes, I feel like such a fraud. And I’m constantly thinking about what would happen if someday I completely lost control. These thoughts were on my mind A LOT tonight. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I kept going back to the black and white thinking of everyone must hate me. It’s really driving me nuts!
I worked the 2-10 pm shift tonight. When I was getting off my shift, I went downstairs to the nurses station, and night shift, med aid S was there. She said hi to me and I was like, “Hey! How’s it going?” Then all of a sudden she says, “I just love R (me by my real name), whenever R comes around it just makes me so happy. There are no complaints about R and everyone loves her.” Ummm…what? I’ve heard this a lot that residents really love me and never complain about me. I don’t understand it! Why can’t I just believe it. I always feel like everyone is just saying these things, that they aren’t really true. And I am always terrified that people will get to know me and then not like me. Of course I already think they don’t like me. That they are just being nice because they know I’m sensitive, or something. Why can’t I just believe them???
I feel like I’m 2 different people. The person they see, or think I am; and then the person inside my head, who is bat-shit crazy.
I really just want the craziness to stop!