Feeling Sad

I’m feeling sad today. That’s all I’ve got.

Devin

This Was Supposed To Be Different

I was just told by my housemate that she was manic when she asked me live here. She is not making me move (YET) but definitely regrets it. I don’t hold it against her because i understand she was in a different state of mind. It does however hurt pretty bad. My aunt was constantly making comments that led me to believe she regretted having me move in too. She didn’t come right out and say it though. I just feel like I’m never going to be in a place where things are good. That things are always going to be a fuck-up for me. I’m tired of trying to make things better, it never works.

FML,
Devin

Early Wake-Up

I was up at 330 this morning. Now it’s 530. I got a bunch of my (old school) pictures sorted through, and in the album. Through away a lot of doubles. Got other doubles organized to be sent to people, who might be interested. I have once more set that needs to go in the album. I still have a couple rolls of film that need developing. They are pretty old so probably won’t come out the best, but at least then I’ll know what’s on them. Then they can be entered into the album. After working on photos, I had a bowl of cereal and now it’s time to go back to bed for at least 4 hours.

Ciao,
Devin

Nonfunctional

Today, I was nonfunctional. I woke up in a funk, and was in a funk most of the day. I talked to my friend and Pastor S this evening. That helped me to see things a little differently, though I’m still funky. S said that I need to figure out what my needs are so that I can figure out how to fulfill those needs. So now I’m thinking about that, and am hoping to come up with some ideas. Maybe I’ll post them when I do.

Now it’s time to watch a show and then head to bed.

Night all!
Devin

Cutting Back…

I’m trying very hard to cut back on my cigarettes. Last week I was doing better and only having half a cigarette at a time. I was smoking every couple hours, and then Saturday and Sunday I was very stressed, and now this week has been harder. So today I am trying to have one every 3 hours instead of 2. I have 23 minutes to go, so thought I would post about it. I’ve been watching Lost on Netflix, to help me get through the hours. Today is my relax day so am doing whatever it takes to make it through the hours, and keep my mind off it. It’s a struggle and something I am continuously asking God for help with. Only His strength can help me now. I can’t do this alone.

A couple of songs that help me get through my hard times.

Love & Peace
Devin

New Job

Yay! I pretty much got the job. I will be working at another Assisted Living Facility as a caregiver. I just have to pass the background check and pee test. And if I don’t pass those, there’s something wrong. I could be starting as early as Friday or Monday. I’m kind of hoping for Monday, then I can start out on a fresh week. I will also get Sunday’s off for church, which was a BIG deal for me. I will also get to start out part time and then go to full time. This is also a good thing. Then I can get into it without being stressed to the brim right away. This is the best thing for me right now. I am really excited as the manager that interviewed me was really awesome! Now I just have to wait for the call for paper work portion. Whoo-Hoo!

Love & Peace
Devin

Depression Story

Tonight I was craving to write, so I took a story that I had started in a writing for depression group, and rewrote it. I’m not quite ready to share it yet, and want to check the ending later. Then maybe I’ll share it. It felt good to write it though.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far.
Devin

Gratitude

So I still don’t have a post in me, so am making a decision to post anyway. I have decided to make a gratitude post. This is going to be a list post, which just feels easier at this time. So here goes…

1) My new place to live. A much more positive atmosphere. A room that I can make my sanctuary, that actually feels like MY room.
2) My housemate’s pets. Especially Roma, their dog. This morning when I came upstairs, I said good morning. As soon as I spoke, Roma got up and came to say hi, squeaking with excitement. It made me feel REALLY good!
3) I have some very supportive family, especially my Aunt K. I always appreciate our talks, and look forward to them. I always enjoy our time together too.
4) My very supportive church. Everyone is so uplifting and encouraging. They are there for me and have my best interests at heart.
5) All the friends I met in therapy. It was so good to be around people who understood what I was going through. Their support and encouragement was amazing, and helped me a lot!
6) My friend D, who is very special to me. He also makes me feel special. Whether we just stay friends or move into something more at some point, I really hope that it can be a life long relationship.
7) That my housemates love to cook (so I don’t have too), and know how to make REALLY good vegan food. It’s so good, I don’t even miss bacon as much as I did at my aunt and uncles.
8) My orchids, bamboo and spider plants are still alive.
9) I am creative. This is something I enjoy and it helps to de-stress me.
10)I’ve been sleeping well the last few nights.

Whew, I didn’t know if I could make it to 10, but I did. These are things I need to remember today so that I can get out of this darkness.

Love & Peace
Devin

Emotionally Drained…

I’ve been feeling pretty emotional the last few days, and don’t have a post in me. Just wanted you all to know I’m still here and alive, just not posting at the moment.

Love & Peace
Devin

It Just Hit Me!

About an hour ago, the fact that I am done in therapy, hit me hard. And all of a sudden. I got really sad and just wanted to cry, which I did a little. I am going to miss everyone, the support, and encouragement, they all gave.

Now it’s time for bed! I can barely keep my eyes open!

OH and D IS coming tomorrow around 10-1030am. I can’t wait!

Devin