Tag Archives: Death

It’s Bedtime!

Now that I’ve been in bed for 45 minutes, I thought of something to write. I was thinking back over the day, and remember something that really gets under my skin. If I don’t write it out, I won’t be able to sleep. One of the residents at my facility, is pretty much mean to everyone, at least all of us caregivers. She will talk with her table mates but otherwise sticks to herself. So at lunch today, while we were serving drinks, I asked her what she wanted, and she told me. At each setting place, there are two glasses (different sizes) and a cup for coffee. Most residents will turn over and specify which cups/glasses, they want their drink in. This resident didn’t do that. I asked her which cup she wanted me to put her drink in. It was like a bother to her that she would need to tell me which glass. She handed me a glass, sighed loudly and said, “stupid!” under her breathe. I took the glass, bit my tongue and went to get her drink. My coworker B, said, “just smile at her, that’s what I do.” Yeah I’ve been doing that ever since I started here. This resident also has a fit if we don’t fill the glass right to, below the rim. When getting her cereal, if I ask her how much milk, she will scowl and glare at me. So I don’t ask anymore. One day I was walking down the hall and passed her. I noticed she had a book on her walker by one of my favorite authors. I commented, “Oh I love her! She’s an awesome author.” To which I got a glare, scowl and shake of the head. Then this resident just kept walking. I was just trying to be nice and make conversation with her. Most residents even if they hate the world, are usually a little nice if I try to make nice conversation with them, but not her. Anyway, it pisses me off that she is allowed to treat people this way. Maybe it’s because she called me stupid for asking her which cup she wanted me to fill, which excuse me, does not make me stupid! I wanted to be like, “excuse me? I don’t help those who treat me that way!” But for fear of making a scene and getting in trouble, I held my tongue. I’ve dealt this way a lot in my life situations. I’m always afraid of making a scene, even in really hard situations, that shouldn’t be happening. This is minor compared to those. I think this pisses me off even more today, because she called me stupid. I know I’m not stupid, but being called that most of my life, it brings up flashbacks from my childhood. Which pisses me off even more.

We also lost one of my favorite residents yesterday. It was her time to go. I’ve gotten used to people passing on, as usually they are in a lot of pain, and I know they are in a better place. This woman though was really sweet and would joke with us all the time. She had fallen and I guess went downhill. She was moved to the rehab side but we all thought she would be coming back to our side soon. It was sudden and unexpected. The other thing that was weird is that on Monday, I was just asking the med aide, if she knew how this woman was doing. And then that afternoon/evening, she passed away. Why was I suddenly thinking about her specifically that day?

Maybe it’s because all of this happened at once, that I am feeling extra emotional about it. I’m not sure. I just had to write it to get it out of my head. Now I need a smoke break and then maybe I can sleep. Here’s to hoping my aunt and uncle are back in bed (they are home again), and don’t come out of there room. It’s not been confirmed whether they know I’m smoking again, and I’m still a bit paranoid about what their reaction will be when and if it gets confirmed.

Here’s to hoping sleep comes fast!
Devin

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Too Much For A Title

Hello All,

Sorry it’s been awhile again since I’ve written. A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. About 2-3 weeks ago, I deactivated my Facebook account. I was feeling the need for a much required break. So I sent my info to a few people who I wanted to keep in contact with and posted that I would be leaving for a little while and then a week later, I deactivated my account. Not sure how long I will be gone, or if I will come back, but will play it by ear.

Last week was a rough one emotionally. We lost two residents at work and I am still getting used to the death part. It was the main reason I didn’t want to be a caregiver. I get way to attached too easily, and then have to hold myself together until I can get to a private place and let it out. I have always had a hard time with that. The two residents we lost, I wasn’t as close too, and I don’t know what is going to happen when one passes that I am close too. It’s going to be really hard!

I have been attending this mindfulness class at the same place, where my counseling is. This last Monday, our exercise was to meditate on a stressful situation and think about how we could step back and respond to it differently. At first I  went through some stressful situations that didn’t really click. Then I came to one I thought I had dealt with. With everything going on, I felt really emotional and had a hard time holding it together. After the exercise, there was a big ball of emotion on my chest and I didn’t talk the whole class, for fear of loosing it. After class, I booked it to my car and cried on the way home. Then I got home and was still emotional and cried myself to sleep. Tuesday I had off from work, thankfully, and woke up still feeling emotional. I had called my friend M, and talked to her some but then she went into her stuff, so that didn’t help much. Then later in the day, I talked to my Pastor even though we had a time set to talk on Thursday. That helped a lot and I was able to get past the emotional part of the week.

I have also been missing Wyatt A LOT the last couple of weeks, which has added to my loneliness and emotional state.

Now I have today off and am doing a bunch of cleaning and then I work again tomorrow for 5 days in a row. I have hope that this coming week will be a much better one!

Love & Peace
Devin