Tag Archives: Church

Feeling Better…

I would say my mood is about a 4 or 5 right now. I decided I needed to keep my promise and write a post tonight.

So last night my mood was a 1. I was not in a good place. A friend R that was in my program texted me to see how I was doing. When I told her my mood was a 1, she invited me over. I got to her place at 9 pm last night, and was there until about 10ish. It was really good to have her encouragement and support. And her dogs and cat loved me, which she said the cat and bigger dog, doesn’t usually like strangers. Most animals are like that with me though. The smaller dog was funny because she kept coming up by my shoulder. She would put her paw on my shoulder and stare at me. It was like she knew I wasn’t in a good place and was trying to comfort me. So that is how my mood went up to a 2 1/2.

Then this morning I woke up depressed. I was not in a good place this morning. I texted my pastor  as a way to reach out, and we talked via text briefly this morning. Then I went back to bed. I had to force myself to stay up the rest of the day. Then since I had slept late, I just ate a bowl of cereal when I got up. I however, forgot to take my meds until an hour or more later. Since I didn’t have a hearty breakfast, and it was MUCH later, the meds gave me an upset stomach. I got sick and then felt REALLY tired, so then did lay back down to try and rest. Once I got up and took a warm bath, I felt a little better. My mood was starting to pick up, as I was really looking forward to church tonight. My mood improved between 3 and 4 pm. Church is at 5 pm. After church I stayed after and visited with G, who held church at her house tonight. My church is a house church, so we meet in members homes. I stayed and visited for about two hours. We had a good time and at the end, both G and her husband R said to come back more. So I may take them up on that.

I just arrived home, so now it is time to head to bed. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me.

Night Peeps!


Nicotine Free!

So today I am nicotine free. I have two cigarettes left, but woke up this morning and felt like I didn’t need to finish my pack. So I didn’t go have any this morning. I’m not really craving it too much, though I am sweating it up a storm. On top of quitting smoking, my body decided it was also time for my monthly time of joy, so I also had major cramps this morning. I got up and had breakfast and then ended up going back to bed for awhile. I have church this evening. If it wasn’t for Easter Sunday, I would probably stay home. I am an emotional wreck today and don’t feel like going anywhere. I do want an Easter Service though, so am going regardless of how I feel. Maybe I will feel better afterwards.

That is all!

Feeling Loved!

So after being SO depressed yesterday, I still didn’t have the energy to go to church today. There are days when I’m down and don’t want to go, but will still attend. Today the idea of getting off work at 2pm, rushing home for a quick nap, shower and then to drive 40 minutes to church, to get there by 5pm, was extremely overwhelming. So I decided I needed to just stay home and do nothing tonight. One reason I haven’t looked for another church just because it’s closer, is because I work most Sundays and then can still go to church in the evening. Another reason is the idea of trying a new church by myself is overwhelming. My church is small and we meet in member’s homes, so it wasn’t quite as intimidating to me at first. Anyway, back to my story. So tonight I didn’t go to church. Normally, I would text someone and tell them I wasn’t coming. Usually my Pastor/Friend S or friend D. Anyway, tonight I guess I kind of wanted them to worry about me. I wanted to know that someone cared about me, and even if that made them mad that I didn’t let them know, I didn’t care. And I know this sounds really bad, but I think it is still the BPD showing it’s ugly head right now. So I didn’t text. After a little bit S texted me and said she was missing me. Then D also texted and said she missed me and hoped everything was alright. I responded to both saying I was tired and had a hard last couple of days. After Church, S texted me and asked if she could call. I said she could. So she called and then passed the phone around to the rest of my church family. It was very uplifting to hear everyone’s voices and to hear that they missed me and were thinking of me. Quite a few said they loved me and missed my hugs. My Pastor’s husband who is also a pastor, told me that he was proud of me, for taking care of myself today. It was nice to get the validation. So even though I’m tired and still feeling a bit off, I will be going to bed tonight, knowing I am loved and cared for. I really needed that phone call tonight! S has no idea, what it REALLY meant to me.

Love & Peace

I Just Feel LIke Crying

I got back a little while ago from visiting Wyatt. He was SO very excited to see me, and jumped up and down. We went for some good walks over the weekend. Not very long ones but long enough. We went farther Saturday noonish, but a big, black dog came out of one of the neighboring yards, just past the usual turn around point. Because of the dog bite I received last August, any large dog, unsupervised and barking, makes me nervous. The big dog came out but we had passed far enough that he didn’t follow. He stayed out in road for awhile, so we continued farther, hoping he would go back to his yard. Finally Wyatt wanted to cross the road, so we headed back. I started praying that God would send the dog home. I really didn’t want to have to deal with another big dog. Finally, I saw the dog go back towards his yard. Then when we got back to that area, I saw a black cat in the ditch on the other side of the road. So I’m not sure if it was the dog I was seeing the whole time or the cat too. My eyesight isn’t good from a distance, so I’m not sure. I did thank God though that the dog had gone away by the time we got back to the area.

So the weekend went fairly well. I got some great snuggles from Wyatt. He slept by me at night, which was nice. This morning, after taking my shower, I took everything out to the car. I let Wyatt come out with me so he could pee, as I wasn’t ready to leave yet. As soon as I opened the door to go out, he bee lined it to my car, like “OK, Mom! Lets go!” I put my stuff in the car and waited for him to explore a bit and do his business. Then we went back inside for a bit. I laid on the couch with Wyatt for a little bit and was feeling some anxiety so decided it was time to get it over with. I got ready and took Wyatt for another walk. Then when I came back in, talked for a little bit longer before leaving.

While I was sitting on the couch talking to J&L. Wyatt was sitting on my lap. I was petting him and then all of a sudden he jumped down and went over to J. J started giving him some pets. Wyatt was looking at me with this really sad expression in his eyes. I felt like since he went to J, it was a good time for me to go. I got up and petted Wyatt good bye. And then said my other good byes and left. I cried most of the way back to town, which is roughly an hour and a half drive. I kept picturing his sad eyes. I made a connection on the way back to town which was this. When I moved from WI to OR, my brother J was about 7 yrs old, and I was about 23. He had those same sad eyes, and I felt horrible for leaving him behind. I felt the same way today, when I left Wyatt.

I then went to my friend T&D’s house before church. It was good to have that distraction after leaving Wyatt. Then at 5pm, I went to church. There were quite a few times where I felt like I just wanted to cry during church. I also always enjoy singing but tonight just didn’t have the energy. I just listened to everyone else sing instead.

I got home a little before 9pm tonight. G&C were home and in their bedroom, doing some work on their laptop. I said hi and told them how my weekend was before taking my stuff to my room. I then went back to ask them how their weekend had been. G had been gone all week for work so I haven’t seen him in awhile. I went into their room and asked them if they were busy. C said, “Yes! But…” So I asked them how their weekends were and then said goodnight. I feel a lot like she is too busy for me to talk. I really just wanted to talk some. Not necessarily about specifics but I guess I just wanted some validation or something. I don’t really know what I wanted. I just feel kind of emotionally lost right now, and felt like I needed something….

L sent me a message and said that Wyatt did OK when I left. He whined a little but not much, and then went and sat on the couch where I had been sitting.

That is all for this post…

Love & Peace

God Takes Care of Me…

So even though I was having some rough patches last week, some really good things happened. So on like Monday or Tuesday, I was offered a permanent position at my job. It was a full time position and would have Tuesday, Wednesday off. I was really wanting Sundays off, so I could go to church. I really wanted a full time position because then I could get benefits, but church is my only social life right now and I really didn’t want to give it up. I went back and forth about it all day. My boss wanted an answer at the end of my shift. So after mulling it over in my head, I decided to pass by this full time shift and stay oncall for awhile.

Then on Thursday, I was offered a second position. In this position, I would have Sunday, Monday off. I had no idea this job position would be coming available. I just knew I wanted Sundays off. The shift wasn’t the issue, I just needed to be able to go to church. I was so thankful that I had put my faith in God, knowing that He would provide the shift I needed. I had no clue it would be so soon. I was thankful I hadn’t impulsively grabbed the first shift I was offered. Sometimes it really pays to wait.

Love & Peace

Emotionally Drained…but Good!

Holy Wow! What a day! I am so emotionally drained, I wish it was bedtime now! Last night I had so much going on in my head that I stayed up until almost 1am. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 1225am. I went to bed somewhere shortly after but I’m not even sure the exact time. I was in such a bad place, I figured I would get up this morning, take Wyatt out and go back to bed. I really just wanted to sleep most of the day. I had church in the evening and was planning on going to my friend’s house a little before hand. I was going to sleep until I had to get up and get ready for that.

Boy did God have another plan! Wyatt got me up at 830am. “Fine, we’ll go for a walk and come home and go back to bed.” That was my thought and what I told Wyatt. I get up, get dressed, get Wyatt ready and we head out.

Now here is a little backstep. So the Pastor at my church, S is married to Pastor D at another church about 45 mins away on a good day of traffic. My church is in the evening which helps so that D can join S at this church too. So sometimes I go out to D’s church if I want a little bit of a different service or if I happen to be working in the evening and can’t go to my church.

So I’m not even sure how far on the walk I got this morning, before a little voice in my head told me I should go out to church. Now remember I got up at 830am. Church is about 45 mins away and starts at 1030am. Wyatt needs his morning walk and its sunny out so we go our usual morning route through the park, which is about 20-30 mins, depending on how many times he stops to sniff or mark, or whatever. We get back to the house roughly 915am. I really quick eat a Greek yogurt because its quick and has 2x the protein. I am one of those people who HAS to have breakfast in the morning. I get headaches and shaky if I don’t. So I was hoping the yogurt would do. I scarfed that down and got my coffee going. I ran to the bathroom and jumped in the shower, for a quick wash. I get out, get ready, grab my coffee and go. As I walk to my car, I kick myself for not getting gas last night. I probably could have made it but I didn’t want to push it. I don’t recall the time of leaving the house but it was 0957 when I pulled out of the gas station.

So I didn’t mention above, but shortly after I had the thought to go to church, I texted S to tell her I would be coming to church this morning. Now I’m not sure if I’m going to be on time and I’m really wishing I hadn’t texted S. I am thinking, I should have just stayed home in bed. I am feeling very rushed at this point and its my day off. I should be relaxing. I’m thinking how do I know I’m supposed to go to church when now I just want to stay home. Why didn’t I just follow my original plan? But I told S I was coming, and so I feel I better go.

I was so worried I was going to be late. When I walk into a group of people late, I feel extreme anxiety. I don’t like people to notice me that obvious and I always try very hard to avoid it. Thankfully, Traffic was great! I may have gone a little faster on the freeway than the posted speed limit, but I had to get to church. I arrived about 5 mins before the service started. The only way I can explain that, is by God’s power. It takes me 25 min to get work on a good day, and this is way past my work. 

So we go in and the service starts. Pastor D preaches a sermon today that I was SO meant to hear. D compared Joshua and Jesus from the Bible. He talked about how Joshua was in the wilderness for 40 years and Jesus for 40 days and nights. He then compared this to our lives when we are in a spiritual and emotional wilderness. I’m not even going to try to explain it because it wouldn’t compare to how he spoke it. I cried through the whole sermon. The way he spoke it, spoke to how I was feeling last night.  I feel like I am in a spiritual wilderness right now. I have to look for the good things that come my way because they may be hard to see but they are there if I take the time to notice them. Some day I will get out of this wilderness to the promised land. God will show me where to go when I need to and when I need to stop. I just need to listen to Him and He will lead me. I will get out of this. I just need to give it time. And not my time but GOD’s time.

So after church I was talking to D & S, and telling them what had been going on this past week. I told them about the memories. D suggested that maybe I was being allowed to see these memories now because I have supportive people in my life. Before I didn’t have very many supportive people. And those that I though were, weren’t always. It has been truly amazing! When I really look at what God has done for me, I still can’t believe it. Both of these churches are so full of love and acceptance, and its astonishing. I don’t believe I deserve all this love they give me, but for some reason they do. And they show it to me on a regular basis. I could never describe into words what these people mean to me; and what God is showing me through these people.

Now to get some sleep and I should be good!

Love & Peace