To My Mother,
I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.
I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!
Last night I called my parents. They are in Wisconsin and I am in Oregon. Being sick, I had the whole, “I want my mommy,” feeling. Those were the main times that my mom was nurturing. She was very good at taking care of us when we were sick. I started remembering how, once I got on my own, I lived 45 minutes from my parents. I was working at a grocery store at the time. One day I got sick at work, and had to leave early. I called my mom up and told her I was sick. I asked her to bring me some jello and 7-up, and she did. I didn’t think she actually would because it would have been easier for me to just go to the store, but I didn’t want to make jello. I know you can buy jello cups but it’s just not the same as having it home made when you are sick. So my mom brought me jello and 7-up. I don’t remember how long she stayed that day, but just having her come made things better. I was living alone, and it seems that I get loneliest when I’m sick. I think that I mostly wanted someone with me, while I was sick. So last night when I called my mom, I reminded her about that time, and told her I wanted to talk to her because I was sick. I really think it made her night. I could hear in her voice that she appreciated hearing that. In the past, I probably wouldn’t have told her that, but would have just visited about other stuff. It felt good to be open about how I was feeling, with my mom.
Today I am doing better then yesterday, but still pretty sick. My temp was 99.3 last night. It went down today but now it’s back up a little. It’s 98.4 right now and normal for me is 97.6. It seems like it goes up at night. I really need to head to bed but am procrastinating it. I guess I need to just go already and get some more rest. I have tomorrow off, but Monday it’s back to work.
It’s interesting to me how our perspectives on things change as we get older. I grew up in the Seventh-day Adventist church. Friday night at Sundown was the beginning of Sabbath for us. It went until sundown on Saturday. We did all of our cleaning and shopping before Sabbath started. Once Sabbath arrived, my parents would play christian music, usually hymns. They weren’t into the contemporary christian music but the more conservative stuff. I actually enjoy both sides of the spectrum when it comes to Christian music.
Growing up, Sabbath was an annoyance to me a lot of times. I enjoyed it on some level but it also meant I couldn’t go to school functions at the public school during that time. I had to listen to Christian music and watch Christian programs on TV. We could only play Sabbath games and read Sabbath things. As a child, this was annoying as I wanted to rebel and enjoy the Non-Sabbath approved things.
The things I did enjoy about Sabbath was the music. Most Sabbath mornings, I would wake up to a record playing downstairs. I would lay in bed and listen to it before getting up. I loved that feeling in the morning.
There are a lot of things about the Adventist church that I don’t now currently agree with. I’m not going to go into that here. I have my own church now that I feel much more aligned with. I never realized or thought about how much I miss the Sabbath until tonight. I’ve thought about how that is one thing I do agree with the Adventist Church. I believe in the Sabbath but no longer follow it. I feel like God would want me to be in a church that spiritually feeds me, not just because of the Sabbath following.
So tonight I realized just how much I miss the Sabbath. My aunt’s parents are here for the month and they are Adventist. They are listening to Christian music, mostly hymns on the TV. I was in my room, playing on the computer and listening to it. Then I decided to bring my dishes downstairs and V invited me to join them, so I did. It is so peaceful listening to the songs and it takes me back to those early Sabbath mornings, when I was just waking up to the music downstairs.
So it is interesting how my perspective could change so much. The one thing I really enjoy and wish I could follow now about Sabbath, is having the time to slow down. I do that on one of my days off, but not like during Sabbath. I don’t focus on God as much as I would if I actually kept the/a Sabbath.
I need to contemplate this some more. Maybe I could take that day on my day off and use it more like a Sabbath. It’s not the same day every week so it wouldn’t be as consistent but it would at least help me to slow down and focus on God more.
Love & Peace