I’m not even sure how to start this post out. I’ve been in a funk lately. When I get into a funk like this, I believe that everything nice, people say about me is a lie. Even when I’m not in a funk I don’t totally believe it, but it’s even worse when I’m in a funk. People at work tell me, that most of the residents like me a lot. A lot of the residents tell me that I’m their favorite caregiver. They tell me that I do a good job. People from my church tell me nice things. They tell me that they’ve adopted me as family. These people tell me these things over and over again. I just can’t bring myself to believe it. Somewhere deep inside of me is a bad root that tells me these are lies. This root tells me that these people are just trying to be nice. That they pity my sensitivity and so tell me these things, so as not to hurt my feelings. For some reason it is easier to believe this bad root, then all the people telling me good things. It makes me hate myself because either all these people are liars and lying to me, or I can’t figure out how to believe the truth.
It doesn’t help that I have a couple people who say they want to hang out but when it comes right down to it, they are too busy. Or I always have to take the initiative which is really tiring. Or they make plans within earshot or right next to me, and then I just feel left out. I just need one friend who wants the same from me as I do from them. Someone who will call ME up, and say, “let’s go get coffee.” My best friend who I could do this with is in WI and too far away.
I guess I’m just lonely and wishing for someone to want to actually be my friend and not just in words but also in actions. Sometimes I think I am just to much for people and they can’t handle me, so just put up a front when I’m around.
I have been having a hard time lately. I don’t sleep well at night. I’m emotional during the day, probably because I’m not sleeping. I’m not sure all of why I’m not sleeping. I toss and turn and wake up, or can’t get to sleep to begin with. During the day I am having a lot of memories lately about my mom and the abuse from when I was a child. I don’t know why this is coming up now but it is. I wish I could go to bed and sleep forever because then I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. I dream about it at night, so this wouldn’t be able to just be a nights sleep but a forever sleep. Yes I wish this but its not something I can go through with. I have to keep going but I don’t know how to make the swirling thoughts stop.
I don’t know why she hated me so much. I was just a child and didn’t deserve to be treated that way. My brothers were not treated this badly. I was the oldest and only girl. Someone suggested once that maybe she had wanted me to be a boy. They did have a boys name picked out for me. It would make sense on one aspect because of what I have been told about how she was raised, but that still doesn’t merit what she did to me. Tonight I saw a mother and daughter at work. The daughter was in distress and the mother was comforting her. That is what a mother is supposed to do. I didn’t get that. I get so mad that God didn’t give me that. People say that God allows bad things to happen to good people. They also say that these bad things that have happened to me will make me a better person. I try to keep in mind that the things I have been through can some day help someone else. But how can any of that be true. If what has happened to me makes me so depressed all the time, to the point of such self-hatred, how in the world can I help anybody? I can’t even help myself! I know. Depend on God right? He will help me. I really don’t even know if I believe that right now. I ask Him to help me sleep. I ask Him to show me how to love myself, forgive myself, and have patience with myself. Then I saw the mother and daughter today, after asking Him for that this morning. It just points out what I didn’t get as a child that every child should have. I am 30 now. Yes I am still young and (should) have a long life ahead of me; however I feel old. I feel like things should at least be starting to come together, and they are not. I’m tired of trying, to no avail. I’m tired.