Tag Archives: Belief

God’s Protection & My Job

Tonight I was driving home from Recovery Group, and the sun was really bright in my eyes. I’m guessing it was for this other person too. Anyway, this car in front of me stopped at a green light. Had I not gotten over to my right, I would have rear ended them. When I got over though, I didn’t even think to check my blind spot, and another car went around me and honked. I am thankful that God gave me fast reflexes but also the other car who honked at me.

I am done with the computer training now. It took me 2 1/2 days to get it all finished. Today was my first day on the floor. It was good and actually went fairly fast. At least, once I got past the first two hours where I was trying to stay awake. So far, everyone is so friendly at this community. It’s very refreshing! I am thankful for this job.

I will also be moving soon. Either this weekend or next week. I will be moving into a transitional housing program. It is coming together and I know God is in the works.

And now it’s time for bed. I was going to take a 30 minute nap when I got home, but it ended up being at least an hour. I couldn’t believe I slept that long but my body needed it. And I still feel tired and ready for bed now.

Night all and God bless!
Devin

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Feeling Better…

I would say my mood is about a 4 or 5 right now. I decided I needed to keep my promise and write a post tonight.

So last night my mood was a 1. I was not in a good place. A friend R that was in my program texted me to see how I was doing. When I told her my mood was a 1, she invited me over. I got to her place at 9 pm last night, and was there until about 10ish. It was really good to have her encouragement and support. And her dogs and cat loved me, which she said the cat and bigger dog, doesn’t usually like strangers. Most animals are like that with me though. The smaller dog was funny because she kept coming up by my shoulder. She would put her paw on my shoulder and stare at me. It was like she knew I wasn’t in a good place and was trying to comfort me. So that is how my mood went up to a 2 1/2.

Then this morning I woke up depressed. I was not in a good place this morning. I texted my pastor ¬†as a way to reach out, and we talked via text briefly this morning. Then I went back to bed. I had to force myself to stay up the rest of the day. Then since I had slept late, I just ate a bowl of cereal when I got up. I however, forgot to take my meds until an hour or more later. Since I didn’t have a hearty breakfast, and it was MUCH later, the meds gave me an upset stomach. I got sick and then felt REALLY tired, so then did lay back down to try and rest. Once I got up and took a warm bath, I felt a little better. My mood was starting to pick up, as I was really looking forward to church tonight. My mood improved between 3 and 4 pm. Church is at 5 pm. After church I stayed after and visited with G, who held church at her house tonight. My church is a house church, so we meet in members homes. I stayed and visited for about two hours. We had a good time and at the end, both G and her husband R said to come back more. So I may take them up on that.

I just arrived home, so now it is time to head to bed. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me.

Night Peeps!
Devin

Almost Done Packing!!!

I’ve got most of my stuff that is going to my new home, packed. Still a few things I will come back for Saturday. And then I will also need to clean the room/bathroom, I was living in. I will also need to do a few hours of cleaning that I didn’t get done this week. Then I will be on to unload at my new home. After that, I have a house sitting gig, so I won’t actually be staying at my new home until the 13th of the month.

God is SO amazing how He has taken care of my living situation in my life and other things too. The way He worked it out, is AWESOME! Our God is an Awesome God!!!

Devin

Angry At God…

I am feeling pretty angry at God lately. I am angry that He allowed me to have a mother who hated me. I am angry that He allowed me to have BPD, Depression, Anxiety, and other mental issues. I am angry that He allowed me to get a job that I am not getting hours at. Which means I need to find something else. I am angry that I had to live with an aunt and uncle who don’t like animals, so I had to have someone else care for my dog. I am angry that I am so stressed and depressed, I can’t look for another job. I am angry that I don’t have a clue as to what I want to do with my life. I want to be an author but am not motivated to figure out how to publish my books. I am angry that because of how I was raised and other people that have been in my life, I have such low self-esteem that I can’t believe that I am any good or worth anything good. I am angry that God won’t heal me. I know it takes time, but I’m sick of time. I’m sick of trying my best, which is never good enough for anyone else. And it’s not good enough for me either. I should be out there tackling the world, and I don’t know how. I’m just angry that God doesn’t show Him self in an obvious way so that I know He is there. I know there are little things and I see them once in awhile, but right now I need to see Him, because I don’t feel like there is any other hope. I’M ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY!!!

Devin

D is for…DISTRESSING!

In my time zone, I still have 50 minutes to get my D blog in, so I’m going for it.

D is for Distressing. I worked the 2 pm to 10 pm shift tonight. It stunk! The girl who was on as manager tonight is not a nice person. Oh she’s very nice to her buddies, but to me she’s not. She made tonight horrible, and I am very thankful that I don’t work this shift all the time. Then when I only had three hours left and was sort of holding things together, I went into one residents room. M started talking about Easter and what it means, which led to a conversation about different denominations. It was a good conversation though, so I was OK with it. He never at all said that one denomination is better then another, which is good. Anyway as I was getting ready to leave, I took his hand, and he just started praying for me and my life. I wasn’t expecting this, and it of course made it harder to hold things together. I made it out of there, and through the rest of the evening, though there were a few other times, where I almost lost it. Then night shift came in and the night manager is really nice.S told me that H shouldn’t talk to me or treat me the way she does. She suggested that I talk to head administration about it. I haven’t fully decided what I’m going to do yet, but am considering it. I guess there have been some other issues with this person too. I just hate having to be a whistle blower and really just want a job where I can, just chill out for once. My last job I got someone fired because he was being inappropriate to me. Thankfully, for me, it was his third offense, so they sent him on his way. I’m just tired of being the one who has to stand up to people all the time. I mean it’s either stand up about this or just deal with it, and go home crying every time I work with her. This isn’t the first time she has treated me this way. So anyway, when S was talking to me, I almost broke down, but barely held it together. Then I made it to my car and let it go. I’m home now, showered and ready for bed.

On another note, I have two cigarettes left in my pack. Tomorrow, after I smoke them, I am quitting. My cough is getting a lot worse. I went to my doctor a week, or two weeks ago (I can’t remember). She gave me an inhaler, and some cough pearls, and more sudafed (the good kind). Nothing seems to be doing much. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with smoking. I had issues last time I smoked, where I was waking up in the middle of the night wheezing. I was hoping that it was because I was smoking menthol cigarettes at the time. I was hoping that I could get away with smoking this time. Evidently not! Anyway, so I’m going to quit. Now I know, I just can’t smoke. In the long run, this is good. I just feel like I need a vice but it can’t be smoking. I know, I know…exercise! I hate exercise!!! Unless I’m walking my dog, who I don’t have right now, or walking/exercising, with someone else.

Sometimes, life really stinks!
Devin

A Positive Day…

Last night I went to my friend N’s house to spend the night. Today was a Pray and Play church program in Portland. I spent the night at N’s so that I would already be closer and could ride with her. The big bonus to this was spending some extra one-on-one time with her, which I always enjoy. The Pray and Play was a big blessing. We had some small group activities. The pastor leading, C, always tries to get us to get into groups with people we don’t know a lot about. I ended up in a group of just me and one other person, K. I was thankful for only the two of us being in a group, and it seemed like she did too. K is a very special person and we seemed to connect well. When we first got into a group, we were sitting in front of a few women who thought they needed to talk, while C talked up front. As soon as we got a chance, K turned to me and said, “we need to move.” I was like, “Yeah, we do!” So we relocated. I then told her I wished I could say something to the women behind us, but didn’t have the guts. So we did our group activities, which focused on prayer and three women from the Bible, who saw Christ. Anna who saw HIm as an infant, The Bent Over Woman who needed healing, and the women who went to the tomb after Jesus had been risen. We then had to tie these women into our lives and talked about how we can see Christ in even small things, if we are looking. After we came back together, we again ended up sitting in front of the women who thought they needed to talk. I thought it was funny because K and I both turned at the same time and said, “Shh..” The women were quiet after that. One thing I really appreciated about K was that she had healing hands. I am the type of person that if I know you, I will put my hand on your shoulder when I talk or touch your arm. I do this a lot where I work. One resident told me I had healing hands, by doing this. It felt nice to be on the receiving side of this. It was also nice that K felt comfortable doing this, when she didn’t know me well. I will say that not everyone who does this, I feel comfortable with; but in this case, it made me feel good.

So after Pray and Play, I rode home with N, and then got my stuff and headed back to my home. When I got home, I took a nap. Then I decided I REALLY needed to stop procrastinating and mow the lawn. When I was out doing yard work the other day, I had done some pruning on the rose bushes out back, but hadn’t picked up the branches. So I needed to do that before mowing. I went over to start picking up the yard. I bent over and all of a sudden heard this, what I thought, was loud buzzing. It was really loud and I thought it was a big bug. I kind of jumped and looked to see what it was. There was a hummingbird drinking from the blueberry bush flowers. I wished I had my camera and then decided to just enjoy it while it was there, instead of stressing about having my camera. I watched it for a couple of minutes before it flew off. I got a big warm feeling in my chest as I watched it. I felt thankful that God had blessed me so much today.

Then about half an hour ago, I decided to go get the mail, as I hadn’t gotten it since Thursday. In the mail was a letter from the little boy I sponsor in Columbia. It put another big smile in my heart.

God blesses me everyday, but today I was watching and saw so many blessings. I am so thankful tonight!

Now it’s time to go take a relaxing bath and head to bed.

Nighty-Night,
Devin