Tonight I was driving home from Recovery Group, and the sun was really bright in my eyes. I’m guessing it was for this other person too. Anyway, this car in front of me stopped at a green light. Had I not gotten over to my right, I would have rear ended them. When I got over though, I didn’t even think to check my blind spot, and another car went around me and honked. I am thankful that God gave me fast reflexes but also the other car who honked at me.
I am done with the computer training now. It took me 2 1/2 days to get it all finished. Today was my first day on the floor. It was good and actually went fairly fast. At least, once I got past the first two hours where I was trying to stay awake. So far, everyone is so friendly at this community. It’s very refreshing! I am thankful for this job.
I will also be moving soon. Either this weekend or next week. I will be moving into a transitional housing program. It is coming together and I know God is in the works.
And now it’s time for bed. I was going to take a 30 minute nap when I got home, but it ended up being at least an hour. I couldn’t believe I slept that long but my body needed it. And I still feel tired and ready for bed now.
Night all and God bless!
Today started out as my mood being a two. By lunch it was up to a four. Having the group to support me, helped a lot. Then at lunch, I talked to D, who has contacted me again. He’s fine, was just taking care of a lot of his own stuff. So by the end of our phone call, my mood was up to a 7. After therapy, I met with my Pastor/Friend, S, for Coffee. I also had an interview for food stamps, since I’m not working at this time. AND I also have an appointment for a new counselor, closer to where I’m now, living. Now I would say my mood is probably a 5 or 6. I’m not way down, and not way excited. I’m just in a good space.
I’ve got most of my stuff that is going to my new home, packed. Still a few things I will come back for Saturday. And then I will also need to clean the room/bathroom, I was living in. I will also need to do a few hours of cleaning that I didn’t get done this week. Then I will be on to unload at my new home. After that, I have a house sitting gig, so I won’t actually be staying at my new home until the 13th of the month.
God is SO amazing how He has taken care of my living situation in my life and other things too. The way He worked it out, is AWESOME! Our God is an Awesome God!!!
This morning was really good, but the afternoon was hard. In our CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) group, we talked about Automatic Negative Thoughts and switching them around. I talked about how my theory is that once everyone gets to know me, they won’t like me. I have always felt this way and had this fear. I shared this as a generalization thought. Then another woman J, was talking about feeling like a burden to her family, and the word projection came up. S, the therapist asked if J was projecting that onto her family, and then talked about that. Some how the realization came to me, that my mother must have been projecting her insecurities onto me. I still don’t understand how someone can use their insecurities to abuse others, because I would never do that, so can’t understand it. I do, however, feel like it’s a break through and maybe I AM actually working through some of this crap. I was very thankful for a couple of good therapists, and my friend C. who were there for me. After I got home, I was so emotionally drained, I had to take a cat nap. Now it’s time to start working on some packing things.
Love & Peace
Wow! Where do I start? I get to move!!! Last night I signed a contract for a new place to live. C is in my group program. We hit it off really well. Yesterday we were talking and it just came together. I told her to ask her husband G first, and he was fine with it. I will be trading cleaning and such for rent, like I am here. We will be going by job not hours. I think that might be better. They are also pretty flexible about things, so I think it will be a good fit. Even though I’m a little nervous because it’s always nerve-racking living with people, I am only a little nervous. As I was driving home last night, I felt so much lighter. I felt relieved and like there was a huge burden off my shoulders. I am so thankful that God has led me to C and G. I am hoping we can be a good fit for each other and accent each other in positive ways. This, at this point, is a temporary thing, but I think it will give me the boost I need to start looking at things differently. Now I just have to start searching for a new job up in that area.
Please continue to keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I make more transitions in my life.
This morning I woke up with anxiety. I also woke up with only a half an hour to get ready. Thankfully, I had showered and made my lunch last night. All I had to do was get a breakfast ready. I made my breakfast to go. I left only about 5 minutes late. So I was still having anxiety and then on the way to work, I got tearful and I’m not sure exactly why. I know part of it was that I went into work last night to talk to HR and saw a lot of my residents. This made me miss them. I was also still concerned that D hadn’t called me back yet. As I arrived to the treatment center (I was my usual early, so on time), my pastor texted me that she was praying for me. I know she prays for me but she doesn’t usually text me. So that made me feel a little better. We texted back and forth for a bit, and then shortly after we finished, D called. I felt instant relief and we talked for about 15 minutes. We had our community group for 30 minutes and then went back to our regular group. This put me at about 0945 am. We were getting ready to check in and all of sudden I had a migraine. I asked to go first to get it out of the way. I explained how I was feeling, and then was able to just try to listen to everyone else. It was hard though because the fluorescent lights were bright, and my eyes were hurting. My stomach felt upset, and I finally got up to get a wet paper towel or something for my eyes. I went to the front desk and asked if they had any clothes, which they didn’t. Then my stomach was feeling more upset, so I went to the bathroom and made myself throw up. I don’t normally do that. I don’t normally have a migraine to this extent. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown up from a headache before. So the relief from the migraine went away, but the head achy, tired blah feeling was still there. So I went back to group and waited until break, at which time, I decided to go home for the day. I hated leaving but I just couldn’t sit there any longer. So I talked to my therapist and then headed home. I had to stop and pick up my prescription and some Orchid Mix. I have some Orchids to save. Will talk about that on another post. I came home and took a nap, and woke up with a headache. Not as migraine-y, but still just as bothersome.
So that is my day so far. I was proud of myself this morning because instead of going through drive through when I was late getting going, I made a breakfast. That’s not the norm for me. I was also proud that I made the decision to take care of myself. I’m trying to look at things I did well each day. I am planning to start writing these things in a journal, so I can go back and look them over, to help remind me that I do, do things well.
Love & Peace
Today, I start the Intensive Outpatient Program after being hospitalized. It is from 9 am to 315 pm. It is 5 days a week, for 3-4 weeks. It is actually a blessing that census is down at work. I wouldn’t be working much anyway, so I can focus on ME. I am having faith in God to provide the rest.
I am a little anxious this morning, about my program. It’s something new and will surely be a BIG change for my thoughts, actions, and future. This is a good thing, even though it’s a scary thing. I want to learn how to overcome the thoughts that people hate me or are mad at me, when I know it’s an irrational fear. A lot of times I have to ask for reassurance, and then feel like I’m being a drama queen. That’s not what I’m trying to do, it’s just that the fear is SO strong, without reassurance, the thoughts won’t leave. Even sometimes after reassurance, they don’t leave, but usually they do.
Anyway I feel that I am ready for a new chapter in my life. As scared as I am, right now, it’s exciting and I can’t wait!
Love & Peace