To My Mother,
I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.
I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!
A lot of times that I talk about the thoughts BPD causes, I will say MY BPD. I need to stop claiming it as mine. From now on I want to try and say that I’m being attacked by BPD or BPD thoughts.
Today I’m being attacked by these thoughts. There’s a little back story so I will put that first. While I was in the hospital, I meant someone pretty special. D, is a 38 yr old male. As soon as he was admitted I had a major crush on him. I never thought we would connect and hit it off so well. We both have our own issues to work on, so have talked about the next year. We have decided we will work on ourselves for a year and then see where we are. We will still be friends during this time. We will work on getting to know each other as friends, and see where it leads from there. We have both been in some pretty shitty relationships and want to do this one right. I don’t know how I will last a year, but it will probably go by faster, then I think it will, now.
So that brings me to those evil BPD thoughts. I talked to D last night, and then he had to go as his aunt was calling and it was long distance. He said he would call me right back but didn’t. Then this morning I called him before my group therapy started, and he answered and then said he had to make a quick phone call and would call me right back. He still hasn’t called me back. So the BPD thoughts attack hard. They tell me that he doesn’t really like me, or that I must have said or done something wrong. I try to attack the BPD thoughts back, by voicing reality. Reality is that he has a lot of crap going on in his life too. Reality is that he probably just got busy with things in his life. Reality is that it probably has nothing to do with me. He lives with his mom right now and is using her phone. Reality could be that he is unable to use her phone for awhile. There are a lot of different realities it could be. Most of them probably have absolutely nothing to do with me.
Reality is real. BPD thoughts are lies and falsehoods. They should not, under any circumstances, be believed. They are only trying to get in my head and tell me bad things about myself. These bad things are most likely NOT reality.
BPD EXIT MY MIND NOW!!!!
I’m not sure at which point I should start this post. I’m not sure which came first, the egg or the chicken? The dream or the depression? I have weird dreams a lot. Ones where I wake up with major anxiety or depression. I’ve been down a lot lately. The last couple of days, I woke up with headaches. Last night I had another weird dream. I woke up really depressed and not caring, today. I’m not sure, really how to explain the dream. I was with a group of people and writing a note to a friend across the room. One girl (who was from my childhood church) S, was there and told on me. The woman who came over wasn’t really a security officer but was something in that area…? S told her she was concerned that I was going to fail. Then the woman came over and talked to me, and she was actually crying about it. Then she walked out and came back. Then I got in an argument with S, and told her I didn’t trust her or her family. Then the Woman came over and hugged me. She was standing and I was sitting so I had my head on her stomach area. Then she told everyone in the group that they needed to support me. So people (it seems like they were all women), came up to me and started talking to me. I don’t remember anything else about it. I woke up depressed. All day I kept getting the same feeling, I get when someone is really concerned about me and sincerely ask me how I am. It’s kind of like a self-conscious, I’m-in-trouble, embarrassed feeling, but yet feels good in a way. I have no idea how to explain that feeling. Anyway the dream and that feeling has been bothering me all day and I needed to talk about it. Since I don’t, at the moment have someone I can explain it to in person, I thought I would post it. I wish there was a better way to explain it. I wish I had someone who would just hold me and cry for me, like that woman did. I just so badly want someone to just hold me, until I’m better. I’ve always needed that, and never really got it.
That is all!
Love & Peace
I’m not even sure how to start this post out. I’ve been in a funk lately. When I get into a funk like this, I believe that everything nice, people say about me is a lie. Even when I’m not in a funk I don’t totally believe it, but it’s even worse when I’m in a funk. People at work tell me, that most of the residents like me a lot. A lot of the residents tell me that I’m their favorite caregiver. They tell me that I do a good job. People from my church tell me nice things. They tell me that they’ve adopted me as family. These people tell me these things over and over again. I just can’t bring myself to believe it. Somewhere deep inside of me is a bad root that tells me these are lies. This root tells me that these people are just trying to be nice. That they pity my sensitivity and so tell me these things, so as not to hurt my feelings. For some reason it is easier to believe this bad root, then all the people telling me good things. It makes me hate myself because either all these people are liars and lying to me, or I can’t figure out how to believe the truth.
It doesn’t help that I have a couple people who say they want to hang out but when it comes right down to it, they are too busy. Or I always have to take the initiative which is really tiring. Or they make plans within earshot or right next to me, and then I just feel left out. I just need one friend who wants the same from me as I do from them. Someone who will call ME up, and say, “let’s go get coffee.” My best friend who I could do this with is in WI and too far away.
I guess I’m just lonely and wishing for someone to want to actually be my friend and not just in words but also in actions. Sometimes I think I am just to much for people and they can’t handle me, so just put up a front when I’m around.
So I’ve been watching the last couple seasons of Friends on Netflix. I had the first 9 seasons on DVD and now it’s on Netflix so I can finish it there. I’ll still buy the last seasons, but for now this will work.
Anyway today I was watching the end of Season 9. One of the episodes was where Rachel was helping Joey practice his lines for Days of Our Lives. She told him to remember when he was in love, and let that help his reaction for how he was supposed to be in the show. He started describing to her about how when he loved her. One thing he said was that it was hard to see her, because he just wanted to kiss her. How it was hard being around her because of his feelings. I don’t remember word for word what he said, but it brought up a bunch of emotions about Dani. I can SO relate to what he was saying because that is how I felt about her. It was even harder to see her with her boyfriend. I think if we still hung out, I would still be feeling that way. Or if we were to start hanging out again. A lot of those feelings aren’t as strong because I don’t see her all the time, so I’m not constantly thinking about her. The feelings are obviously still there once she is in my head.
Then I start thinking about if I will EVER fall in love with someone who also loves me back. Right now it doesn’t seem possible. I don’t know if I could ever love someone like I loved her. We had such a great connection. I don’t know if that will ever happen again. I just feel so lonely sometimes. And I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I want to be with someone who loves me the same way I love them. I try to be patient that God has someone, somewhere for me. But sometimes it is really hard to see that.
Here’s to hoping!
Love & Peace
Today was a big day for me. I was supposed to meet up with a friend this evening to go see a movie. She canceled on me though, and I was looking forward to going to see a movie, so kind of thought I could just go on my own. I wasn’t sure though as I’ve never gone to the movies alone. I have a hard time doing things alone and being OK with it. Eating at fast food is one thing but going to fancy restaurants, movie theaters, and the like; just felt weird and awkward. I met with my friend and pastor though and she suggested going to see the movie Frozen. So I did, ALONE. And nothing bad happened. It was really cool!
Frozen was a good moving about liking yourself. I definitely recommend it. Still processing the whole concept though so don’t know what else to write about it. I will write this quote from the movie; “Love melts a frozen heart.” Go see it!
Here’s a video I found on Youtube a long time ago. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs Its OK to do things alone. I am still learning this but I think today was a good start. And maybe it was good that my friend canceled. Had I not had plans to go to the movies I probably wouldn’t have even thought of doing that today. The thought of doing it alone probably wouldn’t have crossed my mind in a serious way. I’ve thought about it in the past but was to afraid to take it seriously.
Love & Peace