Tonight I was driving home from Recovery Group, and the sun was really bright in my eyes. I’m guessing it was for this other person too. Anyway, this car in front of me stopped at a green light. Had I not gotten over to my right, I would have rear ended them. When I got over though, I didn’t even think to check my blind spot, and another car went around me and honked. I am thankful that God gave me fast reflexes but also the other car who honked at me.
I am done with the computer training now. It took me 2 1/2 days to get it all finished. Today was my first day on the floor. It was good and actually went fairly fast. At least, once I got past the first two hours where I was trying to stay awake. So far, everyone is so friendly at this community. It’s very refreshing! I am thankful for this job.
I will also be moving soon. Either this weekend or next week. I will be moving into a transitional housing program. It is coming together and I know God is in the works.
And now it’s time for bed. I was going to take a 30 minute nap when I got home, but it ended up being at least an hour. I couldn’t believe I slept that long but my body needed it. And I still feel tired and ready for bed now.
Night all and God bless!
This morning was really good, but the afternoon was hard. In our CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) group, we talked about Automatic Negative Thoughts and switching them around. I talked about how my theory is that once everyone gets to know me, they won’t like me. I have always felt this way and had this fear. I shared this as a generalization thought. Then another woman J, was talking about feeling like a burden to her family, and the word projection came up. S, the therapist asked if J was projecting that onto her family, and then talked about that. Some how the realization came to me, that my mother must have been projecting her insecurities onto me. I still don’t understand how someone can use their insecurities to abuse others, because I would never do that, so can’t understand it. I do, however, feel like it’s a break through and maybe I AM actually working through some of this crap. I was very thankful for a couple of good therapists, and my friend C. who were there for me. After I got home, I was so emotionally drained, I had to take a cat nap. Now it’s time to start working on some packing things.
Love & Peace
This morning I woke up with anxiety. I also woke up with only a half an hour to get ready. Thankfully, I had showered and made my lunch last night. All I had to do was get a breakfast ready. I made my breakfast to go. I left only about 5 minutes late. So I was still having anxiety and then on the way to work, I got tearful and I’m not sure exactly why. I know part of it was that I went into work last night to talk to HR and saw a lot of my residents. This made me miss them. I was also still concerned that D hadn’t called me back yet. As I arrived to the treatment center (I was my usual early, so on time), my pastor texted me that she was praying for me. I know she prays for me but she doesn’t usually text me. So that made me feel a little better. We texted back and forth for a bit, and then shortly after we finished, D called. I felt instant relief and we talked for about 15 minutes. We had our community group for 30 minutes and then went back to our regular group. This put me at about 0945 am. We were getting ready to check in and all of sudden I had a migraine. I asked to go first to get it out of the way. I explained how I was feeling, and then was able to just try to listen to everyone else. It was hard though because the fluorescent lights were bright, and my eyes were hurting. My stomach felt upset, and I finally got up to get a wet paper towel or something for my eyes. I went to the front desk and asked if they had any clothes, which they didn’t. Then my stomach was feeling more upset, so I went to the bathroom and made myself throw up. I don’t normally do that. I don’t normally have a migraine to this extent. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown up from a headache before. So the relief from the migraine went away, but the head achy, tired blah feeling was still there. So I went back to group and waited until break, at which time, I decided to go home for the day. I hated leaving but I just couldn’t sit there any longer. So I talked to my therapist and then headed home. I had to stop and pick up my prescription and some Orchid Mix. I have some Orchids to save. Will talk about that on another post. I came home and took a nap, and woke up with a headache. Not as migraine-y, but still just as bothersome.
So that is my day so far. I was proud of myself this morning because instead of going through drive through when I was late getting going, I made a breakfast. That’s not the norm for me. I was also proud that I made the decision to take care of myself. I’m trying to look at things I did well each day. I am planning to start writing these things in a journal, so I can go back and look them over, to help remind me that I do, do things well.
Love & Peace
So today I brought my computer in, so I could show my blog to my counselor, H. I had H read my “Lies…” post. She had a few good points. Others have pointed this out in the past and I’m never sure how to answer it. I’m also never sure how to turn it around. One thing H asked me, was, “why is my self-worth dependent on what others think?” She compared it to if I had spinach in my teeth, and I asked her if I had spinach in my teeth and she lied and said no, would I then hate myself? And if she lied to me, how would that be dependent on my self-worth? There are a lot of reason’s as to why she could lie to me. Like maybe she didn’t feel comfortable telling me there was spinach in my teeth. Or maybe there wasn’t spinach in my teeth when she asked me. Or maybe she thought I looked good with spinach in my teeth. Anyway, I feel like that’s different, but don’t know how to explain how.
The other thing H pointed out was, “why do I hate myself so much and feel I’m worth that self hate?” This one I can’t figure out. I am not torturing animals or people. I’m trying to be good. I try to do my best at my job. I am good with people. I am trying to be closer to God and have a better relationship with Him. And if I’m trying to do my best, why do I hate myself so much? Why do I think I’m such a bad person? I’m not sure how to figure this one out. My mother was very abusive growing up and told me I was a worthless, failure, and worse; but that was in my past. I am better then what she made me believe. So why can’t I see myself that way? A week or more ago, I was searching online about ways of suicide. H asked me why I am worth suicide, if I’m not an evil person. I don’t know how to answer that. Sometimes I just really wish I could die. I wish that a car would come speeding around the bend and hit me when I’m on the road. I sometimes just don’t feel like I’m worth living. I don’t feel like anyone should love me. I feel like if everyone REALLY knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I think I’ve talked about this in past posts. I feel like I’m wearing a mask for everyone and that if I took off that mask, they would see how truly bad I am. I don’t know why I feel that way. I’ve told my deepest secret to both my pastor and counselor and they were very accepting of it. So why can’t I see what everyone else sees? I wish I could.
I know God is transforming me. I’m a lot farther then I used to be, at figuring these things out. I know it’s a process of life though, and it seems to take forever. Sometimes, I just feel very impatient.
Love & Peace
So I have a lot of people telling me lately how I look to them. That I am Positive, compassionate, patient, and more. I don’t feel these things so thought I would blog about it.
How it Feels To Be Me
You say I’m beautiful and strong
Kind and caring
You tell me what an inspiration I am
That some day I will make it
And see things differently
What you don’t realize
Is I don’t see it that way
But complete opposite
I see the familiar mask
That is upon my face
Day after day
I see the things I hide
Deep within my mind
You would run far away
There is no way
Those nice things you say
Can possibly be me
For I am too broken
And torn apart inside
To ever be fixed
OK, so its been a LONG time since I’ve written a poem and this is rough draft, written just now but I tried. I don’t understand why I feel this way. The people I am talking about know pretty much all of my secrets. I have told them the things of my dark past. They tell me these nice things about me. I can’t get out of my head, that …if only they knew. I just feel like I have this mask that shows me as a good person but deep down I’m not. I don’t know why I can’t just believe them. I mean I know I’ve been told bad stuff about me for most of my life and its just a couple years in, of hearing good things. But I’m tired of feeling like I have everyone fooled. That if they only knew me, they wouldn’t want to be around me. I don’t know how to fully accept their love and positive affirmations. I don’t know how anyone could love someone like me.
That is all
Today was kind of a rough day. My back has been bothering me the last few days so I just kind of started off in a pissy mood. I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with people today, but since that’s the majority part of my job, I didn’t have much of a choice. I made it through the day and then the worst part was on my way out the door at work.
So there are a few people, that when we aren’t busy at work I will go talk too. One woman is up a few floors and I had gone to say hi earlier but both times she was kind of busy, so I didn’t stay long. Then I had to go up to her floor to complete a couple of tasks at the end of the day so said hi. Then I was walking out at the end of the day and we happened to meet up in the hall leading out of the building. I said hi to her and she kind of half turned, said hi and kept going. I just felt kind of slighted, because if felt like she didn’t want to talk to me. I’m sure she was just in a hurry to get home and just wanted to get out of there. That is probably reality. The problem is that my beliefs and self-doubts tell me that people don’t really care about me or want to talk to me. My mind tells me that I’m a bother when I go to talk to people. People tell me they are interested and like talking to me but I don’t believe them. I don’t believe anyone could think I’m interesting. And its worse when I’ve had a hard week and bad day. It makes my self doubts a lot more apparent and on the surface.
There is this other girl at work who works in my department. She is a few years older then me but sometimes acts like a 10 year old. For example she will come up to me and if I’m in a conversation with someone, she will just start poking me, or click her pen in my ear, or things like that. I try to ignore these and she eventually stops. Another thing she has done in the past, is when I’m eating lunch or something, she’ll just take some of my candy or cookies, without asking. One time I finally said, “have you ever heard of asking?” Then the last time she did it, She did ask. When people get in my space or think that I’m a nice person so won’t care, it really gets on my nerves. If you want something, just ask. I’ll more then likely give it to you. Anyways I find this girl very annoying a lot of the time, she doesn’t understand boundaries. So my mind is always thinking that other people think of me this way. Even though I don’t overstep these boundaries, I’m afraid people find me annoying. They always tell me they don’t but I don’t believe them. I don’t know how to believe that anyone actually likes spending time with me.
I have asked God to help me love and accept myself recently, but I haven’t seen any changes yet. I know its a process and I have to do some hard work to get there. I’m just tired of doubting myself and hating myself so much. When someone tells me I’m a good person and they like being around me, I want to be able to believe it and feel good about it.
That is all for today…
Love & Peace