To My Mother,
I am angry with you! The way you treated me as a child was WRONG! How could you tell me the things you did? And treat me like a piece of shit? What made you think that was OK? I was just a child. All I ever really wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t you love me? Was I that horrible of a child? You called me a worthless, failure. You called me ugly and fat. You made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right. How could you do that? You beat me up a lot too, but that pain heals. The words hurt the most. The beatings put such fear in me that I never knew what to expect when I came home. Would you be partially nice or would you be going off your rocker? Would you chase me around with a knife or hit me? Thankfully I eventually got stronger then you. I could hold your wrists until you calmed down. I could hold my door shut so you couldn’t come in my room, when you were angry. I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD TO DO THIS! You were my MOTHER! You should have been protecting me, not the person I needed protection from. How could you treat your child, your own flesh and blood this way? I understand now that you were projecting your insecurities onto me, but I still don’t understand. I am insecure. I hate myself. I cannot love myself because I was never shown how, but I would NEVER treat someone the way you treated me. You don’t understand what you did to me. If you did, you would have to admit that you were wrong, and you would never do that. The only time you ever wanted to spend time with me was if I was spending it with someone else and their mom. Then you got jealous. Then you wanted to spend time with me. And you were really good at taking care of me when I was sick, but otherwise, you didn’t have a clue! You wouldn’t even get me help, when I started cutting myself. Instead you yelled at me. Do you remember what you said? You yelled at me, “what is WRONG with you?” Do you know how that made me feel? It made me feel like every single thing about me was wrong. Do you know that I still feel like everything is wrong with me. Even the things I’m good at, I can’t be proud of. I believe if it’s easy for me, then it must be easy for everyone. Now I have to learn how to grieve the childhood, you took from me. I have to go through times of being hospitalized and having intense therapy, to deal with all the shit you put me through. Do you know that because you couldn’t give me affection, I crave it all the time? Do you know that because of what you did, I will always have a hole in my heart, even once I have dealt with a lot of these things. That hole, that missing piece will always be there. Do you know that I HATE mother’s day with a passion? I hate that all the cards are mushy and everyone talks about how their mother was such a rock in their lives. I can’t ever say that! You were a thorn in mine. So you get a phone call, and even that is a pain for me. You have no idea what you’ve done to me.
I could write so much more, but I have to stop. There’s no point, because you will never get it!
This morning was really good, but the afternoon was hard. In our CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) group, we talked about Automatic Negative Thoughts and switching them around. I talked about how my theory is that once everyone gets to know me, they won’t like me. I have always felt this way and had this fear. I shared this as a generalization thought. Then another woman J, was talking about feeling like a burden to her family, and the word projection came up. S, the therapist asked if J was projecting that onto her family, and then talked about that. Some how the realization came to me, that my mother must have been projecting her insecurities onto me. I still don’t understand how someone can use their insecurities to abuse others, because I would never do that, so can’t understand it. I do, however, feel like it’s a break through and maybe I AM actually working through some of this crap. I was very thankful for a couple of good therapists, and my friend C. who were there for me. After I got home, I was so emotionally drained, I had to take a cat nap. Now it’s time to start working on some packing things.
Love & Peace
A lot of times that I talk about the thoughts BPD causes, I will say MY BPD. I need to stop claiming it as mine. From now on I want to try and say that I’m being attacked by BPD or BPD thoughts.
Today I’m being attacked by these thoughts. There’s a little back story so I will put that first. While I was in the hospital, I meant someone pretty special. D, is a 38 yr old male. As soon as he was admitted I had a major crush on him. I never thought we would connect and hit it off so well. We both have our own issues to work on, so have talked about the next year. We have decided we will work on ourselves for a year and then see where we are. We will still be friends during this time. We will work on getting to know each other as friends, and see where it leads from there. We have both been in some pretty shitty relationships and want to do this one right. I don’t know how I will last a year, but it will probably go by faster, then I think it will, now.
So that brings me to those evil BPD thoughts. I talked to D last night, and then he had to go as his aunt was calling and it was long distance. He said he would call me right back but didn’t. Then this morning I called him before my group therapy started, and he answered and then said he had to make a quick phone call and would call me right back. He still hasn’t called me back. So the BPD thoughts attack hard. They tell me that he doesn’t really like me, or that I must have said or done something wrong. I try to attack the BPD thoughts back, by voicing reality. Reality is that he has a lot of crap going on in his life too. Reality is that he probably just got busy with things in his life. Reality is that it probably has nothing to do with me. He lives with his mom right now and is using her phone. Reality could be that he is unable to use her phone for awhile. There are a lot of different realities it could be. Most of them probably have absolutely nothing to do with me.
Reality is real. BPD thoughts are lies and falsehoods. They should not, under any circumstances, be believed. They are only trying to get in my head and tell me bad things about myself. These bad things are most likely NOT reality.
BPD EXIT MY MIND NOW!!!!
Today, I start the Intensive Outpatient Program after being hospitalized. It is from 9 am to 315 pm. It is 5 days a week, for 3-4 weeks. It is actually a blessing that census is down at work. I wouldn’t be working much anyway, so I can focus on ME. I am having faith in God to provide the rest.
I am a little anxious this morning, about my program. It’s something new and will surely be a BIG change for my thoughts, actions, and future. This is a good thing, even though it’s a scary thing. I want to learn how to overcome the thoughts that people hate me or are mad at me, when I know it’s an irrational fear. A lot of times I have to ask for reassurance, and then feel like I’m being a drama queen. That’s not what I’m trying to do, it’s just that the fear is SO strong, without reassurance, the thoughts won’t leave. Even sometimes after reassurance, they don’t leave, but usually they do.
Anyway I feel that I am ready for a new chapter in my life. As scared as I am, right now, it’s exciting and I can’t wait!
Love & Peace
I am feeling pretty angry at God lately. I am angry that He allowed me to have a mother who hated me. I am angry that He allowed me to have BPD, Depression, Anxiety, and other mental issues. I am angry that He allowed me to get a job that I am not getting hours at. Which means I need to find something else. I am angry that I had to live with an aunt and uncle who don’t like animals, so I had to have someone else care for my dog. I am angry that I am so stressed and depressed, I can’t look for another job. I am angry that I don’t have a clue as to what I want to do with my life. I want to be an author but am not motivated to figure out how to publish my books. I am angry that because of how I was raised and other people that have been in my life, I have such low self-esteem that I can’t believe that I am any good or worth anything good. I am angry that God won’t heal me. I know it takes time, but I’m sick of time. I’m sick of trying my best, which is never good enough for anyone else. And it’s not good enough for me either. I should be out there tackling the world, and I don’t know how. I’m just angry that God doesn’t show Him self in an obvious way so that I know He is there. I know there are little things and I see them once in awhile, but right now I need to see Him, because I don’t feel like there is any other hope. I’M ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY!!!
So I have a lot of people telling me lately how I look to them. That I am Positive, compassionate, patient, and more. I don’t feel these things so thought I would blog about it.
How it Feels To Be Me
You say I’m beautiful and strong
Kind and caring
You tell me what an inspiration I am
That some day I will make it
And see things differently
What you don’t realize
Is I don’t see it that way
But complete opposite
I see the familiar mask
That is upon my face
Day after day
I see the things I hide
Deep within my mind
You would run far away
There is no way
Those nice things you say
Can possibly be me
For I am too broken
And torn apart inside
To ever be fixed
OK, so its been a LONG time since I’ve written a poem and this is rough draft, written just now but I tried. I don’t understand why I feel this way. The people I am talking about know pretty much all of my secrets. I have told them the things of my dark past. They tell me these nice things about me. I can’t get out of my head, that …if only they knew. I just feel like I have this mask that shows me as a good person but deep down I’m not. I don’t know why I can’t just believe them. I mean I know I’ve been told bad stuff about me for most of my life and its just a couple years in, of hearing good things. But I’m tired of feeling like I have everyone fooled. That if they only knew me, they wouldn’t want to be around me. I don’t know how to fully accept their love and positive affirmations. I don’t know how anyone could love someone like me.
That is all
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my fears and insecurities. There are a lot of them. I am trying hard to figure out how to overcome them. I do make friends easily, but am always afraid they will get sick of me or abandon me. I am afraid that if they truly knew what I was feeling or thinking, they wouldn’t like me anymore. People tell me all the time that I am a talented, amazing person but I don’t see it. I know I’m creative but always feel everyone else is better then me. I’m tired of comparing myself to others but I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to be ok with who I am. I don’t know how to stop putting my value in what others think. Though a lot of my recent friends say that I’m a special person, I don’t see it. I wish I could just see a fraction of what others saw in me. I wish I could have the confidence that I show on the outside (at times). I don’t want to see this in a prideful way but a humble way. Just enough so I can believe in myself.
Love & Peace