In my therapy session on Thursday, we talked about the hours I work for my rent, at my aunt and uncles. Upon moving in, we agreed I would do 10 hours a week of cleaning or yard work. Now because I am behind, I am trying to do 12 hours a week. It was hard for me to get the 10 hours done a week, especially when I was working full time. I was talking to my counselor, H about how it was hard for me to get things done, and that 12 hours was overwhelming. H came to the conclusion that the reason it is hard for me to do these hours is because of my frustration towards my aunt and how she treats me. I had agreed at the time because I didn’t really know what else to say, and H was convinced of this. As I’ve been thinking about it over the last few days, I disagree with her. I think yes at certain times this is the case. When my aunt throws me another curve ball, I do go through a time of frustration and digging my heals in. I do say though, that the majority of the time, I just don’t have the energy. In the beginning of every week, I think, “I’ll get things done right away, so at the end of the week I can relax.” This doesn’t happen though. I usually get a few hours done in the beginning and then have a lot of hours in the end to rush and get done. At the beginning of the day, I think, “I’ll do 4 hours today, that will be a good chunk done in one day.” Then 3 hours later or so, I’m just done. I’m irritable and just want to sit down and watch a movie and veg out. This doesn’t have to do with my aunt. This has to do with my depression. This has to do with my lack of energy and motivation. This has to do with the fact that any time I do anything, besides sitting or laying down, I have to absolutely force myself. This has to do with my long habit of procrastination due to the above. This isn’t an excuse, this is my reality. Some people (my aunt included) say that when you have depression, once you get started the energy will come as you go along. For me that is not the case. I don’t get energy as I get going. It is exhausting! All I can think about while I’m working on things, is when I get to be done and sit down and chill out. Or when I’m at work, all I can think about is when I get to go home and take a nap.
My best friend M, has told me over and over that she thinks I should try and get on disability. I was raised to believe that this is the easy way out. There was a time when I was having major back problems and the depression, that I did try to get on disability. I wasn’t able to get on, and never pursued the lawyer part. Now the majority of the back problems are gone. I still have the chronic major depression, anxiety and BPD. Sometimes I wonder if my friend is right. Being raised the way I was though, I haven’t had the nerve to try again. Besides now, I’m working. I would have to quit working in order to pursue it again, at least that is my understanding.
Is there anyone else out there with these issues, who has gotten on disability? What was your experience? Any other thoughts on this issue? Please comment below or send me an email.