I was thinking a lot about how my Neurosis is 99%. I have wondered for a long time, how I can be so messed up but hold things together. How am I keeping this job? Or having my own apartment (In the past)? Why am I not going off the deep end? Sometimes, I feel like such a fraud. And I’m constantly thinking about what would happen if someday I completely lost control. These thoughts were on my mind A LOT tonight. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I kept going back to the black and white thinking of everyone must hate me. It’s really driving me nuts!
I worked the 2-10 pm shift tonight. When I was getting off my shift, I went downstairs to the nurses station, and night shift, med aid S was there. She said hi to me and I was like, “Hey! How’s it going?” Then all of a sudden she says, “I just love R (me by my real name), whenever R comes around it just makes me so happy. There are no complaints about R and everyone loves her.” Ummm…what? I’ve heard this a lot that residents really love me and never complain about me. I don’t understand it! Why can’t I just believe it. I always feel like everyone is just saying these things, that they aren’t really true. And I am always terrified that people will get to know me and then not like me. Of course I already think they don’t like me. That they are just being nice because they know I’m sensitive, or something. Why can’t I just believe them???
I feel like I’m 2 different people. The person they see, or think I am; and then the person inside my head, who is bat-shit crazy.
I really just want the craziness to stop!