Crazy or Not???

I was thinking a lot about how my Neurosis is 99%. I have wondered for a long time, how I can be so messed up but hold things together. How am I keeping this job? Or having my own apartment (In the past)? Why am I not going off the deep end? Sometimes, I feel like such a fraud. And I’m constantly thinking about what would happen if someday I completely lost control. These thoughts were on my mind A LOT tonight. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Then I kept going back to the black and white thinking of everyone must hate me. It’s really driving me nuts!

I worked the 2-10 pm shift tonight. When I was getting off my shift, I went downstairs to the nurses station, and night shift, med aid S was there. She said hi to me and I was like, “Hey! How’s it going?” Then all of a sudden she says, “I just love R (me by my real name), whenever R comes around it just makes me so happy. There are no complaints about R and everyone loves her.” Ummm…what? I’ve heard this a lot that residents really love me and never complain about me. I don’t understand it! Why can’t I just believe it. I always feel like everyone is just saying these things, that they aren’t really true. And I am always terrified that people will get to know me and then not like me. Of course I already think they don’t like me. That they are just being nice because they know I’m sensitive, or something. Why can’t I just believe them???

I feel like I’m 2 different people. The person they see, or think I am; and then the person inside my head, who is bat-shit crazy.

I really just want the craziness to stop!

Devin

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2 thoughts on “Crazy or Not???”

  1. I feel the same way at work. The person that I act like at work is somewhat different that the other person that is simultaneously in my head, crazy. I like your ” bat shit crazy” phrase. It made me smile for some reason. I guess because of the raw truth.
    Some days i do not know how long I can keep working four days.
    I think i would be better to change to just weekends and teach guitar lessons instead. I feel like i can be myself and i am calm when i am working with people one on one.
    It is the group social interactions that I feel like I have to avoid or act in
    thanks for this post
    Annie

    1. You’re welcome! I have been working a lot of 4 hour shifts lately. Then I get a random 8 hour shift here and there. It’s more stressful that way because then I’m out of sink with the routine, when I only work that day once in awhile. I went in and told them to just schedule me for the 4 hour shifts, if they can. I figure I’m doing a lot more split shifts anyway and that actually equals to more hours in a day then the 8 hour shift because we don’t get paid for lunch. So as long census stays where it needs too, I’m needed.

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