So now I’m going through another one of those BPD episodes. The one where, everyone MUST hate me. I had to work 4 hours this evening. At one point, I walked up to Res P, who was sitting and doing puzzles in the loft. I was just heading to her room to say ‘hi’. I said, “Hey, P! I was just coming to your room to see how you were!” I sat down to visit and she said she was waiting for Jo to weigh her. I started to offer to weigh her and Ju walked up. P said to her, “You could weigh me.” Ju said she would let me do it. P said, “no, I’ll wait for Jo.” I was like, “well I can do it, I don’t mind.” She said, “No, I’ll wait for Jo.” I went into her room after dinner and asked her if I did something wrong. She said, “no, she just wanted to talk to Jo.” But then in my head it doesn’t make sense that she asked Ju to do it. So now I’m going through the whole, “everyone must hate me,” mode. I hate feeling this way, and I know it’s irrational, even if P does hate me. And it shouldn’t matter my self-worth, whether or not she likes me. So why do I care? And why can’t the racing thoughts of “everyone hates me, so what’s the point of living” just go away and leave me alone? For the first time in a long time, I want to cut myself. I’m not going to because I haven’t done it since August, but the temptation is there. And thoughts of suicide are there too. Again, I’m not going to do it. But they are going through my head.
Time to go take a hot lavender bubble bath. Maybe some pampering will help. Also on a positive note, I have the house to myself this weekend. So hopefully I can have some time to enjoy some peace and quiet before I have to off to work tomorrow evening.
Love & Peace