So today I brought my computer in, so I could show my blog to my counselor, H. I had H read my “Lies…” post. She had a few good points. Others have pointed this out in the past and I’m never sure how to answer it. I’m also never sure how to turn it around. One thing H asked me, was, “why is my self-worth dependent on what others think?” She compared it to if I had spinach in my teeth, and I asked her if I had spinach in my teeth and she lied and said no, would I then hate myself? And if she lied to me, how would that be dependent on my self-worth? There are a lot of reason’s as to why she could lie to me. Like maybe she didn’t feel comfortable telling me there was spinach in my teeth. Or maybe there wasn’t spinach in my teeth when she asked me. Or maybe she thought I looked good with spinach in my teeth. Anyway, I feel like that’s different, but don’t know how to explain how.
The other thing H pointed out was, “why do I hate myself so much and feel I’m worth that self hate?” This one I can’t figure out. I am not torturing animals or people. I’m trying to be good. I try to do my best at my job. I am good with people. I am trying to be closer to God and have a better relationship with Him. And if I’m trying to do my best, why do I hate myself so much? Why do I think I’m such a bad person? I’m not sure how to figure this one out. My mother was very abusive growing up and told me I was a worthless, failure, and worse; but that was in my past. I am better then what she made me believe. So why can’t I see myself that way? A week or more ago, I was searching online about ways of suicide. H asked me why I am worth suicide, if I’m not an evil person. I don’t know how to answer that. Sometimes I just really wish I could die. I wish that a car would come speeding around the bend and hit me when I’m on the road. I sometimes just don’t feel like I’m worth living. I don’t feel like anyone should love me. I feel like if everyone REALLY knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I think I’ve talked about this in past posts. I feel like I’m wearing a mask for everyone and that if I took off that mask, they would see how truly bad I am. I don’t know why I feel that way. I’ve told my deepest secret to both my pastor and counselor and they were very accepting of it. So why can’t I see what everyone else sees? I wish I could.
I know God is transforming me. I’m a lot farther then I used to be, at figuring these things out. I know it’s a process of life though, and it seems to take forever. Sometimes, I just feel very impatient.
Love & Peace