I’m not even sure how to start this post out. I’ve been in a funk lately. When I get into a funk like this, I believe that everything nice, people say about me is a lie. Even when I’m not in a funk I don’t totally believe it, but it’s even worse when I’m in a funk. People at work tell me, that most of the residents like me a lot. A lot of the residents tell me that I’m their favorite caregiver. They tell me that I do a good job. People from my church tell me nice things. They tell me that they’ve adopted me as family. These people tell me these things over and over again. I just can’t bring myself to believe it. Somewhere deep inside of me is a bad root that tells me these are lies. This root tells me that these people are just trying to be nice. That they pity my sensitivity and so tell me these things, so as not to hurt my feelings. For some reason it is easier to believe this bad root, then all the people telling me good things. It makes me hate myself because either all these people are liars and lying to me, or I can’t figure out how to believe the truth.
It doesn’t help that I have a couple people who say they want to hang out but when it comes right down to it, they are too busy. Or I always have to take the initiative which is really tiring. Or they make plans within earshot or right next to me, and then I just feel left out. I just need one friend who wants the same from me as I do from them. Someone who will call ME up, and say, “let’s go get coffee.” My best friend who I could do this with is in WI and too far away.
I guess I’m just lonely and wishing for someone to want to actually be my friend and not just in words but also in actions. Sometimes I think I am just to much for people and they can’t handle me, so just put up a front when I’m around.