Wow! Three Months! >WARNING: MAY TRIGGER<

Hello All,
Sorry I haven’t written in 3 months. Things have been tough for me emotionally and I’ve been doing some isolating. I still go to church and meet with my Pastor, so that is helping me get out a little bit. I thought about writing but just didn’t feel like I had anything good to say. I still don’t know if I do or not, but wanted you to know I’m still alive and kicking.

I have been really good about taking my meds and checking up with my doctor. She has raised my Zoloft and also put me on Vitamin D and Fish Oil. I started seeing a counselor, H, and she wanted me to go on Fish Oil. I am hoping these will help me. H is REALLY cool! As soon as we walked into her office, I knew I would like her. The first thing she did was take off her shoes, and that is what I do too. There were a lot of things I like about her and I’m hoping this can be a good fit. Something has got to be figured out here. I’m SO tired of feeling this way. H explained some things to me and validated some feelings I didn’t even realize, why, until I saw her. One conversation we had was this… I had told her that I hadn’t wanted to go back on medication or see a counselor because I wanted to fight this on my own. I didn’t want to have to have help. H asked me, “So when you go to your doctor and take the medication, who is giving that to you?” “Me.” “And when you come here to see me and I give you homework and you go home and do it, Who is doing it?” “Me.” OK. I get the point. So I am really doing the work towards getting better. I am trying to see that in a different light. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

One counselor I had in the past hospitalized me for something I had written. What I had written pertained to wanting to be taken care of. I wasn’t suicidal or self-harming. Anyway, for some reason that I don’t understand T took me to the hospital. So I am going to have a conversation with H, next time I go see her about this. I need to know from the beginning, at what point she would hospitalize me. I need to know if it is safe to openly talk about if I feel the desire to hurt myself or if I need to hide that. I am able to talk to my Pastor openly about it and she lets me talk it out. If I can’t talk to H about it, I’ll just keep that part for my Pastor.

So the last month or so has been SUPER hard! The last two weeks I was in a really deep funk. I was just so depressed and wanting to hurt myself a lot. I did hurt myself once. I talked to my Pastor about it afterwards. A lot of times I will text my Pastor, S and tell her that I’m promising to be safe. This time I didn’t. S asked me why I didn’t tell her. I told her, because I didn’t want to be safe. Which was the truth. If I had wanted to be safe, I would have reached out. Anyway so this week, I don’t feel the deep depression but I am still tired and completely unmotivated. I don’t know how to describe the difference. Both places, I don’t feel like caring. I don’t feel like I want to do anything but watch Netflix or sleep. But they are a bit different.

So yesterday was the last day for unemployment. I have an interview tomorrow for a possible personal assistant position. It would only be 10 hrs a week at $15 an hour, but at least its something. I am hoping to get it, just so I can keep up with my bills and get necessities. I am down to $15 a month for food stamps because of the amount I was getting on unemployment. I’m thinking now maybe I can get a little more. I’ve got to call and talk them next week. Once I figure out what’s happening with the interview tomorrow.

I am completely stepping back from the friendship with Dani. I’ve taken her off Facebook. After we hung out last time, I had messaged her a couple of times but she didn’t respond. And her Boyfriend was constantly tagging her in pictures of the two of them. It was just really hard seeing the pictures and thinking about her. I still think about her quite a bit, especially when I read a love story. I hate when people talk about ever ‘being in love.’ I have, she just wasn’t in love back.

I went up and dog sat, for the family that has Wyatt. They were gone last weekend so I went and took care of the animals. That is three dogs and two cats. It was SO nice to spend all that time with the animals, especially Wyatt. Plus I had the house to myself, so had my own space to do what I want, when I want. It was a nice break from being around people all the time. I went and got Pizza Hut for supper Friday night. It was so delicious!

I am also no longer dancing at this point. It’s a long story, but I feel OK about it. I may go back to it some day, just not right now.

Well I think that is all for now. I hope you are all well.

Love & Peace,
Devin

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